Orderly Conduct

David Beckham is currently in possession of an OBE: the same honour that was apparently afforded to Katherine Jenkins for “singing opera, visiting the troops and taking coke”. We didn’t realise they gave awards away for that sort of things, but it explains a hell of a lot about the rest of the people who have one…

Hugh Laurie – Services To Radio Jargon

Many moons ago, when Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry were just becoming ‘known’, they were interviewed on a BBC radio show.

Fry asked what the foam covers on the end of the mics were called, to which Laurie said, “They’re called ‘spoffles’ and they prevent what’s known as ‘popping'”. Fry, the host and the engineer were all very impressed by Mr Laurie’s knowledge and the interview continued.

Years passed and, once again, Fry and Laurie were in a radio studio. The engineer told the pair he just needed to adjust their spoffles. Laurie asks, “The what?” And the engineer explains that this is what the foam things are called.

“Good Lord,” laughs Laurie, “I made that word up on the spot years ago in a studio!”

Gary Barlow – Services To Bingo Calling

Once upon a time Gary Barlow used to be the compere at a bingo hall in Preston. He went by the name of Gary Starlight.

Cilla Black – Services To Target Practice

Many years ago, Cilla Black bought a house bordering the fancy Denham Golf Club in Buckinghamshire. Despite the garden very obviously bordering one of the club’s fairways when she purchased it, for years after moving in Cilla would frequently complain to the club and harangue golfers if they accidentally shanked a ball over the fence into her massive garden.

She even went as far as demanding that the club restructure their entire fairway to steer the direction of play away from her property. Needless to say, after a while, regulars at the club would intentionally hit a mulligan into her garden to spite her – and got quite good at it too…

(After many years of living there, and realising that she was onto a losing thing, she stopped complaining to the club and instead submitted an application for membership herself. It was met with a very prompt “fuck off” from the typically polite club secretary.)

Brian Blessed – Services To Chat Up Lines

Being of such proud and hearty voice, Brian Blessed is not the type to whisper sweet nothings into a loved one’s ear (he’d risk perforating their eardrum…) Instead, dear old Bri has had to adapt his mode of seduction to suit his boisterous voice.

Which is how we know exactly what lines he uses to chat up the ladies. Once at a party, after enjoying a decent share of the liquid hospitality, Brian directed this line towards a cute brunette:


Duncan Bannatyne – Services To Chesney Hawkes

Duncan Bannatyne is such a big Chesney Hawkes fan that he hired him to play his 60th birthday party.

Geoffrey Boycott – Services To Foreign Diplomacy

In 1997-98, the England cricket team toured the West Indies. Geoffrey Boycott was out there covering it and got talking to a British expat who was living in Barbados. The two of them got on so well that the man ended up offering Boycott the use of his luxury hilltop house for the duration of the winter tour.

On the open market such a rental opportunity would have cost a fortune, but the old chap was delighted to play host to Boycs, as he had other properties he could stay in while Geoff took over his house.

After the tour, the expat moved back into his house. There was a neatly folded letter from his recent guest waiting for him. To say thanks for the hospitality? To offer a small donation? To say hope to see you again?

Not quite. The text of the letter was:

“Next time I stay here, make sure there are cereal bowls. I don’t like eating my breakfast from flat dishes.”

Will Carling – Services to the Royal Family

Q/ Why is Will Carling’s willy blue?
A/ Because he dipped it in Di.

Judith Chalmers – Services To Basil D’Oliveira

One Popbitch reader remembers having a drink with the late cricket great Basil “Dolly” D’Oliveira. He apparently had fond memories of a certain orange-skinned holiday show presenter.

His exact words? ‘Judith Chalmers. God, she could fuck.’

James Corden – Services to Self-Obsession

Though he is currently wooing America with his cheeky chappy act, people who had dealings with Corden back when he was in Britain were slightly less charmed by him.

James once appeared as a guest on Gordon Ramsay’s cookery show, The F Word, with his mum and dad. The recording was overrunning and producers were starting to worry about getting his parents a cab back to the train station in time.

James didn’t seem to share their concern though as when his parents’ cab turned up he nicked it for himself, saying he had to go to a party in Soho – almost causing his dear old mum and dad to miss their last train home.

And if you think he’s just like that with his family, think again. Out one night for a meal with an attractive female companion a few years back, Corden pulled out this line. He pointed to himself and said, “You look at this… and you see James Corden.”

He then pointed down at the enormous, expensive-looking watch on his wrist and said, “You look at this… and you see James Bond”.

Alan Cumming – Services To Sexual Narration

One lucky Popbitch reader got to have sex with Alan Cumming in New York a few years ago. Alan was described as being “remarkably quiet” during the sex itself but, immediately after, sat on the end of the bed and adopted what was described as a “tragic-little-boy-lost look’, making demands in a very faint voice.

Like “Alan wants water now”. And “Alan wants chips now”.

Idris Elba – For Services To Poultry

A number of years ago, a young drama student in need of a bit of cash took a job at porn-supremo David Sullivan’s warehouse – helping to pack and ship a bunch of dildos and other sexual accoutrements.

For reasons that are now lost to the mists of time, the new kid earned himself a nickname from the old hands there. They called him “Chicken Fucker” – and they still do whenever they see him out and about.

Even though he is now much better known to most people as Idris Elba.

Richard Wilson – Services to Drug Slang

Richard Wilson refers to cocaine as “boosty-woosty”.

Joanna Lumley – Services To Widows

A reader once told us of the time their mum used to work in Victoria and became firm friends with local charity shop staff. This particular branch was frequented by well-meaning famous types, who regularly donated their wares.

She was having her usual cup of tea and chat with the staff one day, and was getting a bit emotional as she had recently came back from burying her husband abroad. A well spoken lady approached her and said she couldn’t help overhearing and was sorry for her loss. She sat down for a chat, said a few warm, kind words and then slipped the woman two £50 notes.

The staff told her the lady was famous but she hadn’t recognised her at all. So the staff noted her name down on a piece of paper and told her to show it to her kids when she got home as they would know who she was…

It was Joanna Lumley.

(FYI: She spent the money on two bras, a fish supper and a couple of bottles of Nigerian Guinness.)

Gordon Ramsay – Services To Single Innuendo

Long predating the popular emoji, Gordon Ramsay’s first restaurant was named Aubergine. Why? As Gordon was very keen on telling people at parties: “After my purple bell end…”