The Second Serve: Raining Cats and Dongs

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“I can’t with overhead lighting. Why do they do it to us?” – Mariah Carey

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* It’s raining hardcore porn
* Secretly shagging Tories
* Plus: The ghost of Alex Salmond

>> Ghoulish side-hustles <<

The ghost of Alex Salmond

Suddenly this old Alex Salmond factoid has taken on a new level of poignancy.
In 2001, Salmond appeared in a Punjabi soap opera, filmed around the time he stepped down as SNP leader. (the first time).
The Castle, a 15-part romantic thriller, was produced by fellow SNP MP Tasmina Sheikh and set in the Scottish highlands.
In it, Salmond played… a ghost.
A 2000 Telegraph article reported that Salmond turned to his friend Sean Connery for acting advice.
Sadly, the show seems to have been wiped off the last place it existed on the internet – a Pakistani YouTube equivalent. Luckily there are still photos.

“Are they meant to be comedians?” – Liam Gallagher’s unimpressed reaction to the poorly-accented Oasis SNL parody.

>> Never kissed a Tory <<

Love across the aisles

These days Louise Haigh likes to keep her personal life far away from Westminster (she lives in Sheffield with her lurcher, Milo).
Perhaps she’s been burned by the rough and tumble of the Westminster dating scene.
A few years ago Haigh quietly went out with fellow MP Huw Merriman, but told him while they were together that nobody could ever find out – she didn’t want anyone to know she’d been with a Tory.
He was devastated, she was fine.

Abba: The Movie has been upgraded from U to PG rating due to the film’s language and ‘mild sex references’.

>> Porn on tap<<

It’s raining cats and dongs out there

Now that Tony Livesey has been banished to the 5Live graveyard shift, he’ll no doubt be missing his Daily Sport heyday, where he could get up to a lot more mischief.
One of his favourite practical jokes as editor involved the vast amounts of porn conveniently lying around the office.
He’d cut loads of his favourite pictures from the magazines and drop them into an opened umbrella, so that when someone popped out for a sandwich at lunch and it started raining, they’d find themselves covered in tits.

While editor of the Sport, Livesey appeared on television debating whether to include a story about aliens turning a woman’s son into a fish finger. [Watch]

>> A reel pain <<

A Chrismukkah miracle 

Jesse Eisenberg premiered his new movie, A Real Pain, at the BFI last night. It’s a drama about two estranged Jewish cousins who go on a tour of Poland together in memory of their grandmother, a Holocaust survivor.Introducing the stars of the movie, an excited but confused interviewer gushed “this is like Christmas for me!”

Sabrina Carpenter has just beaten Olivia Newton John’s record as the woman with the most weeks at Number 1 in a single year. (19… equal with Ed Sheeran.)

>> Hatenail <<

Alexa play Break Stuff

Back in 2005, Trent Reznor launched the NIN.com website, meant to promote Nine Inch Nails’s With Teeth album release and tour.
It had a section where fans could send in questions for Trent and the band, so there’d be an occasional page of Q&As published.
With true dedication to his craft, Reznor always read every single question. Which meant he definitely saw the one reading: “Dear Trent, you’re the reason I got into music but I suck!!1!! I’ll never be as good as you!!!1”.
And he definitely saw the address it came from: fred@limpbizkit.com.

Elton John has had the kneecap he had replaced made into a necklace. He had the bone polished and trimmed with gold.

 

>> Knead to know basis <<

Great British take off

In last week’s newsletter we wrote about how poor Paul Hollywood was protecting his privacy by complaining to newspapers who published pictures of him in his brand new helicopter.
Unfortunately Old Blue Eyes decided to give his lowkey new vehicle a personalised tail number. To spare him his blushes, the photo desks had kindly pixelated the number out.
The problem is though, if you file your helicopter under your own name, anyone can search it on the aircraft register website.
Which also brings up Paul John Hollywood’s full home address. So much for his secret chopper.

Nominative determinism of the week: Winner of the Great British Superbike Championship, Kyle Ryde.

>> Popbits <<

This week’s audio quizzes

We’ve now amassed a treasure chest of 700 audio rounds. Some good, some bad. Some difficult, some child’s play. We’re going to take a break from these daily audio rounds but come back with a new fun way to show off about your music knowledge and waste a bit of time.
Bear with us another week? In the meantime – here’s a link to try as many as you like
[Get them here]

Sol Campbell is in Dubai at the moment promoting the Phygital Games of the Future. (They are a physical/digital hybrid, apparently, which launched last year in Russia).

>> Hmmms <<

A few quick things

Oregon police find drugs inside a bag labelled ‘definitely not a bag full of drugs’
[Read on The Guardian]
The woman the Daily Mail mistook for a dying Maggie Smith is understandably not very happy
[Read on Camden New Journal]
For sale: ‘Middlesea’, Billy Joel’s Long Island mansion
[For just $49 million]

Thanks to: RL, J, MDS, The Impish Scribe, MC

Old Jokes Home
I gave my handyman a to-do list, but he only did jobs 1, 3, and 5.
Turns out he only does odd jobs.

Fancy Another?