Fanny DeVito

For years now, Popbitch has been Britain’s leading authority on which famous people don’t wash their hands after using the loo – and never has there been a clearer moment where our expertise is required. So, in order to help stop the spread of coronavirus, these are the celebrities you need to keep an eye on until Covid-19 is contained.

SPOTTED SINK-DODGERS: Madonna, Nick Knowles, Rochelle Humes, Natalie Portman, Frank Skinner, Julian Assange, Tom Watson, Dominic Raab, Sadiq Khan, Christina Aguilera

FASTIDIOUS HAND-WASHERS: Robbie Williams, Sandi Toksvig, Simon Amstell, Al Gore

HIT-AND-MISS: Kay Burley (a little patchy with soap and water apparently, but very consistent with moisturiser)

Have anyone else to add to the list? hello@popbitch.com The fate of the planet might depend on it…

Last week, we mentioned a well-paid ITV host who complained about a line of coke that a co-worker offered them saying “Oh my god! Are you POOR?” – but not everyone in the ITV stable is such a snobby little glutton for gak.

Someone who once racked out a line for one of the Real Housewives Of Cheshire remembers their criticism being a lot more constructive. Upon seeing the amount she’d been offered, she squealed “What are you doing? You could get four lines out of that!”

Which recent Hollywood wedding was a blessing for more than just the happy couple? The groom’s godson managed to clear a few dangling drug debts with the money he made from selling the inside story.

Obviously Priti Patel has a fair bit on her plate right now, but once her bullying scandal has blown over, perhaps she could address a bit of confusion regarding her schooling?

A common line in articles about Priti’s early life is that she went to Watford Grammar for Girls with Liz Kendall and Geri Halliwell. Because the claim has appeared in a number of well-established publications, there are plenty of sources for her Wikipedia page to cite. That Wiki page is then plundered by journalists looking to crib a quick detail to put in an article – and so the cycle starts.

But Popbitch has seen an email seemingly sent from Priti’s constituency office to the school in question apologising for any confusion caused, admitting they are aware that reporters have “incorrectly” cited her as a former pupil in the past, but claiming they are powerless to correct the editorial content of media outlets and Wikipedia. Priti’s own website is unhelpfully vague on the matter too, saying she was “educated at a comprehensive girls school in Watford” stopping short of actually naming anywhere specific.

There could be a perfectly innocent explanation for this. We’d be interested to hear it if so, because currently it looks suspiciously like the UK’s Home Secretary – one of the Great Offices of State – has knowingly let a fib circulate uncontested for years, allowing the public to believe she was at school with a Spice Girl.

Rest assured, we’re searching for answers.

After a 14 year career exploiting the poor, needy and emotionally delicate, Jeremy Kyle has announced he’s signed with CAN Group: the celebrity management agency that once represented the famously dignified and undramatic clients Katie Price and Kerry Katona.

The behind-the-scenes story of CAN could have filled a full season of Kyle’s show by itself. The two partners behind it, Claire and Neville (C-A-N), blew up both their romantic and professional relationship in the most spectacular fashion in 2011, with the pair going on a very public backstabbing spree, breaking up contracts, pouring industry poison, making threats, making accusations of threats – all while dragging multiple third parties’ names through the mud in a vicious legal battle that dragged on for ages, racking up bills that some never quite recovered from.

So we’re looking forward to seeing where this fruitful new relationship ends up.

(Court, probably…)

Jane McDonald’s surprise announcement that she was cutting ties with Channel 5 caused quite a stir this week. Some even wondered if it meant there was a huge tabloid scandal brewing behind the scenes, a la Schofe. Although it would have been amazing to discover that McDonald’s entire cruise career was actually a front for a shadowy crime syndicate she was running from international waters, it seems the truth is a little more prosaic.

Jane had been lined up to host a rebooted version of Blankety Blank that C5 was planning and her heart was so firmly set on it that she turned down a number of offers from other channels because she didn’t want to do anything that might jeopardise it.

Sadly, the reboot end up getting canned because of budget issues elsewhere and poor Jane was so disappointed that her steadfast loyalty to the channel began to falter. Bless.

Remember the Icelandic tip we gave you for Eurovision a couple of weeks back? Well, last weekend that song was announced as their official 2020 entry and it’s quickly become the bookies’ favourite to win.

If you haven’t seen the video yet, you should sort that immediately. And if you want to be an unbearable hipster twat about loving them before everyone else got on board, their 2017 national entry is great too.

[Hear ‘Is This Love?’]

This week’s shuffle through the archive takes us to 2006, a year in which Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes icked everyone out with their three-minute wedding kiss; a Paris Hilton look-alike became a celebrity in her own right (even spawning her own look-alike); Mr Blobby came back from the grave; Joan and Jackie Collins were the unwitting costume suppliers for a ‘Vicars and Tarts’ party in a Bristol lock-up; and Natasha Lyonne was called to appear in court on charges of threatening to sexually molest a dog.

Good old showbusiness…

[Read more]

2006 saw Take That reunite for a huge greatest hits tour, which ended up kicking off a 14-year second act to their career. They’re lucky they got a chance to polish up their between-song banter before the Yewtree era kicked in though, or things could have been very different.

A brief sample from their gig at the NEC that April:

Howard Donald “The best thing about coming back to Birmingham after 12 years is that last time we were here all the girls had pancakes, and now you’ve all got massive boobs”

Mark Owen (under breath) “We said in rehearsals we weren’t going to do that one”

We were blessed with one of the all-time great publicist statements in 2006, thanks to Paris Hilton’s PR Elliot Mintz. When asked about the white substance that was spotted around Paris’s nostrils when leaving a New York restaurant, Mintz had this to say:

“I can tell you Paris does not use narcotics. I would imagine it’s something like whipped cream or a sugary substance from dessert. Something that naturally might have found its way onto her face if she touched her nose or whatever.”

Before landing the killer line…

“I’d label it a ‘stray dessert’.”

Pharrell’s Mulholland Drive mansion is up for sale
[$17m, if you want it?]

2020’s hottest style accesory: the Danny DeVito bum-bag
[aka the ‘Fanny DeVito’]

Harder Better Faster Stronger on 74 tromboness
[Hear on YouTube]

Aerospace engineers trying to figure out how fast a fart will propel you through zero gravity
[Comprehensive discussion]

Cyndi Lauper’s isolated vocals on Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
[Worth a listen]

Mascots acting out
[See on Imgur]

This week’s mechanical item joining in with an 80s hit
[A garden sprinkler does Blue Monday]

The Doctor Who theme in various improvised jazz piano styles
[Ragtime at 1’22]

Violent rabbits in medieval art
[See on Sad And Useless]

Still Bored?
Last chance to book in for the Popbitch Popquiz at Smiths Of Smithfield next Tuesday, March 10th…
[Get your team signed up]