Morgan Failure

After his unexpected walk-out earlier this week, the Popbitch inbox has been swamped with people eager for us to cover the week’s biggest story. Although there’s not really a huge amount we can add to what’s already been reported, we realise it would be weird for us not to address it at all. So let’s just get it out of the way early and then move on.

After seven months in the job, Peter Foot suddenly stepped down from his role as Finance Director of ShoeZone this week – and was replaced by… Terry Boot.

Even the sternest critics of cancel culture have to admit there’s the occasional fringe benefit to it. For instance, it may have finally got us shot of Mumford and Sons.

This week, their banjo player (ffs…) announced he’ll be stepping back from the band for a bit after his endorsement of a book by controversial US right-wing pundit Andy Ngo caused a huge backlash. Not just from their fan(s), but within the band too.

Don’t put the champagne on ice quite yet though, as Winston Marshall has an easier route out of #cancellation than most. His dad, Sir Paul Marshall, is one of the major funders of GB News – and they’re bound to need a jingle soon enough.

Which political journalist has inspired a secret, off-menu speciality at their local kebab shop? (Kept off-menu because the owners don’t want to write “The ‘Fuck Off, [X]’ Special” anywhere that families might see.)

Which? Recommended four years in a row

There’s been speculation this week that Piers Morgan’s big flounce on Good Morning Britain was actually some sort of staged publicity stunt.

While it’s true that he’s been telling friends for months he’s had an offer from GB News (albeit one he’s apparently reluctant to accept, as he’s in talks to do a show he’d prefer elsewhere) his implosion was off-the-cuff enough to have caught quite a few people at ITV on the hop.

Some of the channel’s other flagship shows received instructions this week to remove him from any upcoming VT packages he features in – including one that had been lined up for the weekend. Sources at the channel tell us that the unusually swift decision to let him go might have been slightly influenced by one of his bosses at ITV being told to fuck off.

One of the things that Prince Harry seemed most angry about in his Oprah interview was the fact his dad didn’t want to fund him any more when he decamped to North America. It’s not hugely surprising this rankled, as Harry’s tightness with money is legendary.

His ex, Cressida Bonas, told friends that one of the most difficult things in their relationship was his expectation that she’d buy a lot of their dinners, even when he was a multi-millionaire prince and she was a dance student. Like most of the Royals, he very rarely carried cash so even when they did something as cheap as go the cinema, she generally ended up paying.

FYI: One of the few times Harry did handle cash was on his birthday. Charles used to ask the boys if they’d like a “blue granny”, a “brown granny” or a “pink granny” (fiver, tenner or fifty, respectively).

FYI 2: One of Harry’s cousins is also keen on the “granny” joke. Every time they do a line with friends, they like to unroll the note and say “HELLO, GRANNY!” before re-rolling it and getting stuck in. Now that’s how you show respect to the crown.

Unmasking the Royal who voiced ‘concerns’ about the skin tone of baby Archie is almost certainly going to play out like Murder On The Orient Express: at some point or other, it’s going to transpire they all had a hand in it. But as fingers flit between the obvious suspects, one person who’s been getting a fairly easy ride is William.

Remember the whole “Prince Harry Nazi Costume” story? It almost didn’t happen. The source who approached the Sun with those infamous shots of Harry at a “Colonial And Native” party didn’t initially realise that they’d be the ones of interest. The person they’d originally been trying to shop a story on was William, who they claimed to have pictures of dressed up as a gorilla.

Luckily for whoever it was behind that gorilla mask, it obscured their face to such a degree that the Sun hacks couldn’t make a positive ID. So they ended up running the Nazi shots instead.

It was interesting to note the exact moment Piers Morgan decided he’d had enough on Good Morning Britain: when Alex Beresford reminded him that Meghan had ghosted him. If only he could learn to keep his vanity in check, he might have a bit more luck holding down a job.

Piers has often said it was his campaigning on gun control that cost him his CNN show in the States. True though that might be in a broad sense, it was really his ego that tripped him up.

In early 2013, someone filed a petition asking the White House to deport Piers Morgan for his “attack on the Second Amendment”. Always keen to make himself the centre of any story, Piers figured it would be a good wheeze to get the petition’s creator on his show and have it out with him, live.

Sadly for Piers, that person turned out to be Alex Jones: the then-little-known host of InfoWars. Within seconds, the ‘debate’ became a runaway train; a 15 minute, nationally-aired primetime tirade that Piers was absolutely helpless to stop, bleating “Alex… Alex…” while Jones ranted about tyranny and 1776, working in multiple promotions for his conspiracy website, before eventually challenging Piers to set up a boxing ring in the studio so the two of them could fistfight.

Even worse for him? This little stunt backfired during his (now ex-)boss’s first week.

Robin Van Persie isn’t the only footballer to have an unusual run-in with his home-delivery supermarket service.

After unexpectedly winning a game with a last-minute goal, Crystal Palace star Andros Townsend found himself being whisked aboard the team coach and headed out on the town to celebrate. In the middle of all the celebrations, it dawned on Andros that he had a delivery due and he wouldn’t be home in time to receive it, so he called them from the coach to tell them to just leave his order on his doorstep.

Legally, they informed him, they weren’t allowed to leave anything that needed refrigeration unattended (in case the customer later ate it and got sick) but – over the sound of his teammates singing – Townsend told them that shouldn’t be a problem.

And as the order was for £300+ of Regaine For Men, and nothing else, it wasn’t.

Newcastle United manager Steve Bruce hasn’t got much to be happy about at the moment and his mood turned from bad to worse last week after a huge bust-up at the training ground with one of his players was leaked to the Daily Mail.

Things could have exploded last Friday had he arrived at the NUFC training centre early and found that around 100 cabbages had been strewn all over the place, stuck on spikes of the perimeter fence and generally rolling around.

Steve has a bit of history with cabbages, after one was infamously chucked at him by an angry fan during his time at Aston Villa – which means this was clearly a targeted attack.

Hopefully he can take solace in the fact that there are still some people at the club who are looking out for him. Even if it is only the cleaners, who managed to clear the ground before he found out.

If we’ve given the impression in recent weeks that Anne Robinson hates mingling with civilian contestants on set, then it’s only fair that we try to provide a bit of balance. She doesn’t much care for meeting celebrities either.

During a celeb edition of The Weakest Link, the star guests were all called for a promotional photoshoot. When they were all in position, Anne walked in at the last second to stand at the front, without saying a word to anyone.

Pat Sharp bravely attempted to break the icy silence with a chirpy “How are you, Anne?” Everyone waited with bated breath for a reply – but none came. Just a long, awkward silence. And then she left.

The UK’s 2021 Eurovision entry is out
[Hear it here]

Fancy a Scenic Rim Job?
[They’re hiring…]

Local News of The Week: Thrusting Pope Edition
[Read on Wales Online]

Modem noises throughout the ages
[Listen on YouTube]

How to avoid Piers Morgan in the movies
[A timeless guide]

Har Mar Superstar is a postman in Minneapolis now
[Read on Star Tribune]

How to measure yourself for a male chastity cage
[Learn the basics]

The most filmed locations in each country of the world
[An interesting map]

Still Bored?
A brand new Popbitch Popquiz is out: The Amethyst Edition. Eight more rounds of pop culture trivia, music, gossip and guesswork, ft. Celebrity Price Is Right, A Question Of Sunday Sport, a Royal Bombshell wordsearch and more…
[Perfect for the weekend]