Nonce Upon A Time

There’ll have been some frantic finger-counting going on behind closed doors at No.10 this last week with rumours doing the rounds that one of Boris’s former conquests is pregnant.

By our count, it doesn’t seem as if there’s much for him to worry about though. The alleged hook-up is probably a little too historic to put him properly in the picture (although a man of his obvious potency can never fully relax…)

Still, it might be just the scare he needs to tidy up his act once and for all. He certainly can’t afford for the “Children” section of his Wikipedia entry to get any more vague than it currently is.

A new series of Bake Off starts next week, marking Noel Fielding’s third year in the tent. It still hasn’t got any less weird to see him host such a clean-cut show.

Back in his hellraising days in the late 2000s, Noel got turned over by the News Of The World and was coaxed into giving one of those big “MY DRUGS SHAME!” tell-all interviews. After that, he kept his partying a little more low key, hanging out with pals or at private members’ clubs after hours.

He turned up to one such Soho club in the wee small hours shortly after that tabloid run-in to find that friends there had racked up the club’s infamous Yard Of Gak. In honour of the recent press intrusion he’d suffered, everyone thought it was only right that Noel get the first sniff.

But Noel mistook the situation, thinking that the communal coke was a personal challenge – and tried to hoof the whole thing up himself.

He managed about a third of it before someone intervened.

Which Scottish footballer won (and then lost) a six figure sum betting on football this week? Let’s hope he keeps it quiet, as that’s a life ban staring him right in the face.

Dermot O’Leary told a story at the taping of The Lateish Show with Mo Gilligan earlier this week that is unlikely to make the cut for tonight’s broadcast, and it feels like a shame to let it go to waste.

Remember the infamous moment on X Factor when he mumbled what sounded like “Good luck, cunt” to Katie Waissel? Dermot says that a lot of people called up to complain to ITV about his disgusting use of language.

Among those lodging a complaint? The woman herself… Katie Waissel!

FYI: Dermot still maintains he said ‘hun’

Seasons change. Years fly by. Empires rise and empires fall. Yet through it all, Geri Halliwell remains constant.

Geri paid a visit to the Cotswold Wildlife Park recently, where staff offered her the extremely exclusive opportunity to name one of the new zebra foals that was born onsite (getting to name one of their animals is an honour previously only bestowed upon David Cameron and Ruby Wax).

The name she picked out for the little baby zebra?

“Geri”

Last week, we started a new four-part series on another arm of the embattled American Media, Inc. empire: the National Enquirer’s online sister publication, Radar.

In Part One we explained how one of Radar’s first investors, the world-beating sex pest Harvey Weinstein, used his print media interests to help suppress stories about his sexual misconduct from breaking in the wider press.

This week, for Part Two, we switch our focus to look at one of Radar’s second major investors: the dead, disgraced paedophile… Jeffrey Epstein!

[Read ‘A Social Animal’ here]

As we continue to work our way through Jeffrey Epstein’s little black book, one of the names we chanced upon this week was Ralph Fiennes’. It’s highly unlikely that a man like Ralph would be wrapped up in any of that sordid business though. He’s far too timid for that type of thing.

His big technique when trying to woo a publicist he once took a shine to was to wait until he heard her running a bath in the hotel room next door. Then he nipped round to knock on her door in the hopes she’d answer in her robe.

When she did, he started making lots of small talk to keep her there, all the while trying – she couldn’t help but notice – to catch a glimpse of her tits.

September is shaping up to be a big month for Princess Diana fans. Not only is a new crowdfunded musical about her life getting a showcase in the West End, disgraced National Enquirer editor Dylan ‘Dildo’ Howard is releasing a new book about her death too.

The esteemed Dr Phil gave a promo quote for the book’s dust cover that reads: “Hang on tight. This is a ride only Dylan Howard can create.”

You might think that phrasing is a little crass, given how Diana died in a high-speed car crash and all – but Dr Phil isn’t wrong. Dylan does have form with this.

The National Enquirer theme park in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee (National Enquirer Live!) features a Princess Diana attraction where you can track her car’s final fateful journey through Paris in a 3D computer simulation.

Sun editor Tony Gallagher has got himself a brand new nickname around the NewsUK offices.

Staff there are calling him ‘Stony Gallagher’ – not just because he’s been firing people ruthlessly over the last few weeks, but because he’s also refusing to take part in the “banging out” processions that are traditional on Fleet Street whenever someone leaves a paper.

Instead of joining in with colleagues to pay his respects to the outgoing hack, Tony sits in the middle of the room with his hands stuck steadfastly to his phone instead.

Although if we didn’t know any better, we’d wonder if this was all just a ploy to be shot of his former nickname: ‘One Trick Tony’.

The Department of Culture wants to work out how to best support the music industry through a No Deal Brexit, if you’ve got any thoughts?
[There’s a survey here]

Eurovision’s Josh Dubovie is now a Mindset Coach
[Watch Wealth Of Self]

More musical tradespeople
[Dusty Springclean]

Join us for a Popbitch Popquiz quiz in September!
[Tuesday 3rd September]
[Tuesday 17th September]

Elon Musk in 2001 A Space Odyssey
[See on YouTube]

Want some infographs detailing the changing use of non-conventional capitalisation in modern pop songs?
[Of course you do]

Local news of the week: Bleak Wigan Takeaway edition
[Read on Wigan Today]

Chinese politics and celebrities
[Read on South China Morning Post]

Extravagant homemade squirrel assault courses
[See on YouTube]

Still Bored?
A photo album of rock idols’ cocks and balls in the tight trousers of yesteryear
[See them bulge]