Razorburn

The big whisper out of the Brits this year is that Adele secretly got engaged and was signalling the news to fans by wearing a massive diamond ring.

This became a huge story in part because Adele’s marital status is fully intertwined with her career. It’s also partly because – as we briefly mentioned last week – searches for engagement rings drive such massive amounts of internet traffic that click-chasers will piggyback on any story that revolves around an engagement ring to help scoop up some numbers.

But there’s some interesting chatter from certain A-listers close to the heart of things that suggests the story is a little off the mark. They’re adamant Adele isn’t secretly engaged. Because, they say, she’s already secretly married…

On Tuesday afternoon, Radio X announced that Madonna stacking it on the stairs at the 2015 Brit Awards was officially the Most Embarrassing Moment In Brits History (research presumably funded by Sam Fox and Mick Fleetwood).

Hours later, Anne-Marie staged something of a tribute by stacking it on the stairs herself. We have some sympathy. It can’t be easy to sing in front of a huge crowd, both in the arena and on telly, while navigating black stairs in black boots, all under blinding stage lights.

But there’s one handy tip we can offer any star looking to avoid a similar accident themselves. Don’t use a stand-in for your camera rehearsal.

Which fashion designer has taken his love for horses to the next level, by designing some very specialist erotic strapping – useful for both man and beast?

The WAGatha Christie case took a turn for the absolutely fucking outstanding this week when the court heard Rebekah Vardy’s list of excuses for why she couldn’t hand over devices containing relevant communications.

Jamie Vardy’s WhatsApp has apparently been hacked and deleted. Rebekah’s laptop from that time has completely packed up. Her WhatsApp somehow managed to strip all the media files from her chats while she was exporting it for solicitors. And her manager’s phone? It accidentally fell over the side of a boat and plopped into the North Sea shortly after Coleen Rooney’s lawyers asked to see it.

You have to wonder: who the hell is she getting advice from? Former News Of The World journalist and noted phone-hacker, Ian Edmondson? The man whose own communications helped spark Operation Weeting, a police investigation into hacking that resulted in 32 arrests, charges brought against eight, and led to a hugely revealing, high-profile court case?

Erm, actually… yes. She is.

David Baddiel told a little story at a recording of Radio 4 series Heresy earlier this week that seems unlikely to make it to broadcast. According to Baddiel, David and Victoria Beckham once approached him and Frank Skinner at a party, to chew them out about encouraging a particularly filthy football chant about Posh.

Victoria was convinced the dirty song started on Fantasy Football League and it was their fans who were singing it, but Baddiel denied that he and Skinner were the ones responsible for it.

“Well, just for the record,” Victoria snapped at them, “I don’t take it up the arse.” And then stormed off. Leaving David alone with the pair of them.

The original line-up of Razorlight are back together and currently hard at work on album five. Sure, it might not be the most highly anticipated release of 2022 but it’s kind of miraculous that it’s happening at all, given the ice-cold shit that’s gone down between the boys over the years.

Back when they were first together and touring, the entire band and crew (minus Johnny) all went out to get some dinner together after a show. While they were in the restaurant, they each received a call from Johnny. One by one, he tried them. And one by one, they took out their mobiles, saw his name on the screen – and then ignored the call, letting it ring out.

What they didn’t realise – and wouldn’t until a little bit later – is that Johnny was out on the street, watching them do this through the restaurant window.

The Captain Tom Foundation has taken a bit of flak this week as an audit on its accounts revealed that of the £1,000,000 in donations it took, just £160,000 of it was given to charitable causes – while £230,000 went on various management and consultancy fees (including some pretty tasty slices given to companies owned and operated by Captain Tom’s family).

They certainly have a way with numbers. On her LinkedIn page, his daughter boasts that the “Captain Tom 100” campaign she spearheaded raised £1.3million in just three days and had a reach of 12.8 billion. Which is some going, seeing as the world’s population is currently hovering around the 8 billion mark.

Who knows? Maybe Captain Tom has been spreading the word up in heaven?

Of all the things a good communications director is supposed to do, “Not Become The Story” is the all-caps, double-underlined, circled-in-red No.1. So our congratulations to Guto Harri on managing to somehow totally fuck that before lunch on his first day by giving an interview in which he called his new boss, the Prime Minister, a clown.

Obviously Guto has unparalleled form at stumbling into the spotlight like this. His stint at GB News famously came to an end six weeks in when he was suspended for taking the knee live on air in solidarity with black footballers, plunging the entire network into a huge, existential crisis.

Although it was a hot topic of conversation on social media, the actual number of complaints GB News fielded before they got nervous and decided to suspend Guto? About 50.

Last week, after mentioning that Calvin Harris and Andy from Groove Armada had both put music on ice to become organic farmers, we asked you if you knew what other DJs and dance acts were up to these days.

* Jon Carter now runs a country retreat in Etchingham, East Sussex

* Eddy Temple-Morris recently hosted his first vegan pop-up kitchen to great success. (Eddy made a Mexican feast, his son provided the cocktails.)

* El Hornet was running a deli in North London for a while (Harringay Local Store).

* MC Dynamite is now a sommelier at the Clove Club.

* Harry from Oceanic now has a YouTube channel reviewing tech.

Know of any other former celebs doing interesting things these days? hello@popbitch.com

Turns out the Queen is a massive gossip fiend
[She gets her own daily newsletter]

What it’s like to be the safety supervisor on Jackass
[Read on Vice]

What it’s like to make prosthetic penises for Hollywood
[Read on Dazed]

“I’m constantly doing risk assessments, which drives everybody crazy, trying to predict every single element that could possibly happen. And then, at the end of it, just being like: ‘Ah, fuck it! I’ll just play a lighthouse keeper who fucks a mermaid! I think this is the right move!'”
[Robert Pattinson in GQ]

Daily snippets of Nadine Dorries’ novels
[Enjoy/endure on Twitter]

Otter spotting in the snow
[See on TikTok]

What it’s actually like on Raya: the world’s most ‘exclusive’ dating app
[A report from The Fence]

A repository of 8-bit Steely Dan covers
[Niche, admittedly]

CORRECTION: Thanks to everyone who reminded us that the Eurovision pussy-eating funk song is Latvian – not Estonian

Still Bored?
Mad Story Of The Week: the rapping hipster couple and the $4.5billion crypto heist
[Read on The Daily Beast]