Strictly Embargoed

If you’re out trick-or-treating in the Henley area tonight and see the shadow of a huge, hairy beast charging around the country lanes, don’t panic. It’s not some hell-demon come to feast on human souls. It’ll be Russell Brand taking his dog Bear out for a walk.

Rather than walk his dog in the traditional manner (out on foot; dog on a leash, etc) Russell prefers to drive his Mini along the roads near his house and have Bear run out ahead of the vehicle.

All of which looks bizarre enough in broad daylight, but it’s even weirder when Brand takes him out at night. Onlookers report having seen the silhouette of a gigantic hound charging towards them, while being simultaneously blinded by Brand’s headlights.

If you’ve ever heard the phonecall that Prince Charles had with Camilla Parker Bowles about being reincarnated as her tampon, you’ll know he has a filthy mind – but we didn’t know he had a mouth to match.

Prince Harry was supposed to do an event with Charles recently, but ended up pulling out at the last minute. This caused some unhelpful complications for the event staff but when an organiser complained about it, Charles suggested they cut the boy a bit of slack.

Why? Because, he said, Harry is a little “cunt-struck” right now.

FYI: It’s not a one-off. Prince Charles is supposedly a big fan of the C-word.

Which BBC star has a very fancy habit of douching with rosewater to ensure that they’re always smelling as sweet as possible?

Everyone here may be thoroughly sick of UK politics, but it’s really starting to pique the interest of people in North Korea.

Tour guides in Pyongyang have recently been asking British visitors all about our new prime minister as it seems Boris’s infamous “letterboxes” and “watermelon smiles” soundbites have made it to the DPRK.

Every year the press likes to float some sort of confected “Strictly Come Dancing fix?” story in order to fill their showbiz pages. This year is no different – except that Strictly’s own PR people appear to be helping fan the flames.

On Sunday afternoon, two emails were sent out to journalists within 20 minutes of one another.

The first read “Strictly Embargoed Until 20.00 on Sunday 27th October 2019. Mike Bushell is the fifth celebrity to depart the dance floor…”

And the second? “Apologies for the incorrect headline. Correct version below. Strictly Embargoed Until 20.00 on Sunday 27th October 2019. Catherine Tyldesley is the fifth celebrity to depart the dance floor…”

As John Bercow packs up his stuff and prepares to leave his post as Speaker of the House, a quick point of order.

A recent Radio 4 profile of Bercow stated that somebody once “allegedly” tipped a pint over his head when he was a student at the University of Essex. We can tell you there was nothing “allegedly” about it. One of our readers was present to witness it.

It happened in the student union bar and the person pouring the beer was Janet Pringle, sister of famous cricketer, Derek Pringle.

A few weeks ago, we mentioned a possible reason why the Vardys may have felt a little beholden to the Sun, selling their autobiography rights and ratting their friends out in order to help stave off any negative coverage of them. Perhaps they felt as if they had no choice – but they should know that a tabloid’s bark can often be worse than its bite.

Earlier this month, Jamie’s Leicester teammate James Maddison was withdrawn from the England squad for illness but was subsequently pictured on a night out in a Leicester casino. The Sun tried to tear him a strip for this, saying he should be embarrassed about his conduct. Maddison quickly shot back, saying that being caught in a casino was less embarrassing than getting caught with a copy of the Sun would be.

Hacks at the Sun were appalled by his impudence. Last year, they nixed a story they had on him going out to a fancy party on the same night as the tragic helicopter crash at Leicester’s grounds.

They had expected this would have been enough to have him to fall in line. Clearly he hasn’t. The question is: will he suffer the consequences? Or is the Sun’s power starting to fizzle?

A year after they were granted their decree nisi, the divorce of Ant McPartlin and Lisa Armstrong is still rumbling along. Reports last month suggest the couple’s settlement proceedings had hit a deadlock. Word around TV insiders is that that’s because Lisa has been itching for a day in court and is taking her time to make her case absolutely bombproof.

From the sounds of it, she’s pretty well up on everything that went on while the two of them were married. Including the stuff that ITV, management and the tabloids had triangulated on to keep out of the papers.

Will be interesting to see what sort of price tag comes with stories like that…

Elsewhere in royal drama news, Thomas Markle is looking to see if he can sue the paparazzi agency that staged the pre-wedding photos that cemented his rift with Meghan.

Word from his camp is exactly as you’d expect it to be: that he’s furious about being stitched up, he had no idea they’d be used the way they were, he feels ripped off, etc, etc. We have no idea if that’s truly the case – but there was one interesting comment that caught our ear.

Apparently Markle Senior has been advised that his suit might have some extra merit because the pap agency that set up his pictures (Coleman-Rayner) was the same one working on a retainer for the National Enquirer to dig up dirt on Rose McGowan for Harvey Weinstein.

The tales of David Walliams continue to pour in, furthering our theory that he’s only nice to deal with after he’s had a swim.

One reader on the other side of the world says that Walliams was charm personified when they caught him emerging from the surf in Wollongong, Australia – and was only too happy to take photos with a crowd of fans wearing only his swimwear and dressing gown.

Whereas another reader a little closer to home says that Walliams was the only celebrity guest they ever had a problem with during their time at a West End theatre. Normally everyone in the theatre’s audience would be asked to leave through the front of house. Even Hollywood A-listers who had friends in the cast were asked to leave through the front, then re-enter backstage through the stage door. But Walliams threw such a hissy fit when he was asked to walk outside with the regular ticket-holders that they eventually relented and relaxed their otherwise ironclad rule.

Last Popbitch Popquiz of the year: Tuesday 12th November at Smiths Of Smithfield.
[Come and play with us]

Japanese Mundane Halloween is back again
[Costume inspiration for 2020]

Tom Selleck in Indiana Jones
[Watch on YouTube]

Did Elizabeth Taylor spark a Hollywood craze for AC in the shower – and make a millionaire in the process?
[Read on Quora]

Does someone want to apply for this celebrity PA position and tell us who it is?
[Take a look at the listing]

Blockchain sucks: it’s official
[Read on Wired]

A metal cover of the Addams Family for Halloween
[Watch on YouTube]

Local News Of The Week – and contender for headline of the decade…
[Romanian Circus Stole My Chihuahua!]

James May slowed down is Jeremy Clarkson
[Hear on Twitter]

Still Bored?
A coincidence that Media Masters’ guest for Halloween is Julia Hartley-Brewer? Who knows. Maybe it was supposed to be Brexit related. Either way, if you want to give yourself a chill, you can listen and download it here…
[Listen/Download on Media Masters]