The Daily Tonic: When I Say ‘Lockdown’, You Say ‘Brian’

You’ve probably already received an email from a mad uncle or aunt with the subject line “FWD: High Level Advice For Combatting COVID19” – filled with spurious advice lifted from Facebook about what temperature your cup of tea needs to be in order to keep you safe from coronavirus.

If you work for The Times, you’ll have definitely received it because an all-staff email went out yesterday afternoon with some “useful tips on dodging the virus” – all copied from a viral FB post.

The email suggested that employees of Britain’s paper of record should “avoid eating and drinking cold things”, “take sips of warm water every 20 mins” and “wash your hands every 20 minutes” (which, if they’re awake for a regular 16 hours, would be 48 times a day).

Which office kook was responsible for sending it out? The editor, John Witherow.

First there was Gal Gadot’s Imagine medley. Then there was Madonna’s bathtime sermon. Now? Brian Harvey’s Lockdown. A YouTube channel with its own theme tune, parody songs and thoughts about The Clap For Our Carers.

[Here’s the theme tune]

Some of our favourites are included below. In the meantime, we want to know something else.

Today’s Question: What is the best piece of advice a celebrity has ever given you?

Send your nuggets of celeb wisdom to hello@popbitch.com and we’ll dole out digital trinkets to the winners.

Jem writes:
“Back in the early 80s, Al Pacino rented my parents’ house in Norfolk while he filmed Revolution in King’s Lynn. It’s a very big house with several hundred acres of farmland. My brother and I were mooching about on the estate and, knowing that Al went for a run every morning, we discovered that he left his trainers by the kitchen door. So of course we nicked them.

“We kept one each. I don’t remember what happened to my Al Pacino trainer, but my brother kept his on his window sill for about two years.”

AY writes:
“Back in the 70s, Gary Glitter toured New Zealand and I had a mad crush on him. During the event he kept mopping his face with a hanky that he kept in his tight leather trousers. When he had finished the concert we noticed he had thrown the hanky to the stage floor and, as we were filing out, my brother jumped on stage and nicked it for me.

“I was so excited to have it I kept it for months in the fridge in a sandwich bag and used to bring it out every so often for a rub and a sniff.

“I was only 13. Little did I know what the future held…”

Gruntley writes:
“In the late 80s I worked for Sock Shop and got shunted around all the home counties shops filling in when staff were off. I got sent to the Kingston Upon Thames shop and was getting on with my work when a small young woman with extremely curly hair came in with a couple of heavies.

“I wasn’t senior enough to deal with her so I watched the manager fawn all over her. What the manager didn’t notice was that this person tried on a fancy belt and didn’t put it back on the rack. When I asked the manager why she let the person walk out without paying she said the person was Bonnie Langford and that you couldn’t accuse celebrities of stealing if you wanted to keep your job.

“I also went on to sell Judith Chalmers a T-shirt for her dog. She didn’t try to steal anything though.”

Here’s your tenth audio round. If you gloss over the fact that we accidentally included U2’s Discotheque twice, this will make it a hundred songs that you’ve been asked to identify since we started. A possible 200 points.

Shame they don’t accumulate into anything useful but, still. It’s something to do, isn’t it?

[Play it here]

If you’re having a drink this evening, get the pub atmosphere on your phone
[The Staying Inn]

Everyday items through a macro lens
[Pretty satisfying viewing]

Nine Inch Nails have released hours of free new music. Lil Nas X’s Old Town Road was built around a sample from a previous NIN collection like this – so why not invent a new chart-busting genre while you’re waiting for the pandemic to blow over?
[Download Ghosts V & VI]