Una Problema

So much for “Never complain, never explain”. The Royals have been tossing legal letters around like nobody’s business this last little while. The Queen had her lawyers send out a warning shot to the press last week over Prince Andrew’s trip to Balmoral, while Harry and Meghan seem to be keeping Schillings in business single-handedly with all the long letters they’ve been sending US media outlets.

It’s probably not a great PR move for the Queen to be defending her sweatless son so vigorously, but that can always be chalked up to motherly instinct. Harry and Meghan’s tactics on the other hand – those are a little harder to square.

The story the Sussexes are mad about this time is the one suggesting the couple were dissatisfied with the Queen’s response to their Oprah interview. But what’s weird about that is the main source for the story appears to be… Omid Scobie: the Sussexes’ inside guy.

It’s not entirely clear why Harry and Meghan are now having their lawyers bawl out the hacks who took their cues from the Sussexes’ own chosen journalist. Maybe they’re sick of the quiet LA life, and are looking to spice things up again?

About ten years ago, Sean Lock was being considered for a part in a British indie film. The American execs attached to the project had never heard of him, so the director sent over a bunch of TV clips to make a case for his casting.

It worked a treat. The Americans all loved him and got fully behind the idea. The only problem was that Sean was having a bit of trouble making the shoot dates. In the end, despite everyone’s best efforts, they just couldn’t make their schedules align. The Americans were particularly sad about it, as they’d really taken to Sean and were convinced he was perfect for the part.

The actor who ended up taking his place instead? Billy Zane.

Which British film industry figure has been frantically calling around every one of his former PAs trying to figure out which one of them has been speaking to the press about his history of abusive workplace behaviour?

(Unfortunately for him, he can’t narrow it down from the claims that have been put to him as he’s done the same shitty stuff to a number of people…)

The British Establishment Fuck Tree really is an impressive thing to behold. Solid and strong, yet tiny and intricate too – like a sort of sex bonsai.

The latest branch to have sprouted is the one between PR guru Matthew Freud and Zac Goldsmith’s ex-wife, Sheherazade. (Freud previously dated Zac’s sister, Jemima; making this the sort of closeknit interfamily romance Matthew’s great-grandfather Sigmund took such an interest in.)

Six months on and friends of the couple are saying that the romance is starting to get serious. The biggest tell-tale sign? Matthew’s face.

Not that he’s looking happy, exactly. More that he’s been experimenting with increasingly obvious facial treatments as he’s self-conscious of the age gap and doesn’t want people thinking he’s Shazza’s dad whenever they’re out.

The recent announcement that Ian Botham has been appointed as a trade envoy to Australia was met with lashings of mockery – but Beefy’s no stranger to diplomatically handling delicate situations abroad.

On Botham’s first overseas tour, Geoffrey Boycott was dropped halfway through the series. Feeling sorry for him, Botham took a bottle of whisky up to Geoff’s room to commiserate. Upon entering, what should he find but Boycott, standing stark bollock naked – all except for his pads.

Boycott then made Botham sit on the bed, while he got his bat out and started practising his forward defensive, all the while saying to Beefy “Now, tell me. What’s wrong with that stance? Nothing! That’s what!”

If you were at Green Man Festival last weekend and had any cause to visit the box office then it’s entirely possible you were dealt with by Daniel and Natasha Bedingfield’s dad, who put in some hours there.

You’ll have had to have got there early though as he only lasted one shift. After drawing some complaints, managers took him aside and told him not to bother coming back for his next one.

Dungeness Beach: Tonight – Bait. Sat 28th – Paper Moon plus The Dong with The Luminous Nose

Stoke Newington Woodberry Wetlands: Fri 10th Sept – The Last Picture Show

The Mandrake Hotel: Thu 22nd Sept – Halston, w/ intro by Davina Catt

[Information and tickets here]

Steve Wright has been with the BBC for over forty years now, so it’s no surprise he feels completely at home there. So much so that he’s gone and had his own WiFi installed.

There’s some whispers that it’s happened because Steve doesn’t trust the Beeb and doesn’t want them spying on him over their in-house connection. But there’s an equally convincing counterpoint from some colleagues that’s a little less conspiratorial.

Namely: there’s never any explaining anything Steve Wright does and there’s no sense in trying.

Barely a minute after the news about Una Stubbs broke, we got our first message asking if we were going to run ‘The Story’ in tribute.

If you don’t know the urban legend of Una Stubbs and the coffee table, it’s about as Popbitchy as a tribute could be – but we stopped telling it not long after we learned that Una Stubbs’ kids had been trying for years to keep their mum from using the internet so that she’d never stumble across the story herself.

Fearing (not unreasonably) that the first thing any actor would do online is search for their own name, her kids tried everything they could to stop her accessing the net. When that became impossible, they changed tack, telling her never to search for her own name online – warning her it was a classic way to leave herself open to scammers and hackers: a little white lie to stop her from accidentally chancing across the story on one of the dirtier corners of the web.

We didn’t want to add to their woes then, and we don’t now. But we’re assured the story is totally untrue – and Una “wouldn’t hurt a fly, much less [REDACTED]”

As Dominic Raab’s private life is currently of international concern (and there’s no telling when the news will hand us such a ripe opportunity to talk about what he gets up to when staying in hotels away from home) a brief reminder of the Popbitch reader who once hooked up with Raab after a wedding they both attended in the 90s.

The evening is somewhat hazy in her memory, but she remembers a few key things. She remembers him being kind enough to walk her back to the isolated family pub where she was staying, even after she’d spent the whole night laughing at his politics. She remembers him waking up other guests when he started doing some comedy schtick in an extra-loud ‘Tory Boy’ voice.

But the truly indelible memory she has is of him dancing around her tiny hotel room wearing nothing but a frilly shower cap.

The Nirvana Baby v Nirvana lawsuit
[Read on Scribd]

Shane Warne’s signature Covid remedy
[Smoking 100 cigs a day…]

Interpretative dance x hydraulic presses
[Watch on YouTube]

A great Twitter thread on what love song lyrics are like around the world
[“Come on, darling, let’s sell the horse”]

Why gossip is good for you
[The BBC weighs in]

Local News Of The Week: Big Willy complaints in Weymouth
[Read on Dorset Echo]

Baby panda just wants to hug legs
[Watch on YouTube]

The Cursed History Of The Sexy Green M&M
[Read on Jezebel]

We feel like we owe Charlie Watts a better send-off, so if you have any memories/stories to share: hello@popbitch.com

Still Bored?
Tortoise Media has done an episode of Slow Reviews on Popbitch
[Listen here]