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Issue 815 – Snatch, Crackle and Flop

 The Power of Film & Moving Image:
 A One Day Symposium, Thu 9th Feb,
 London, W1. Come and see some of
 Britain's leading thinkers and
 speakers, inc. the fascinating
 Michael Gunton (producer of Planet
 Earth) and loads of other well-
 known names and faces. 10% discount
 with code "Popbitch" here:
 "If I was on Twitter, I would be
 fucked. Fucked. Five minutes."
 – Martin Freeman
 POPBITCH           _     _ _       _
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 |_|         |_ 19.01.17 ISSUE 815
 Free email every week
 Email stories
 * Patrick Moore's happy ending
 * The golden boy of Downing St
 * Charts: Ed Sheeran is No. 1
      >> Swagger's delight <<
      Andre the bagsnatcher
    We joked about Peter Andre's
    East Grinstead coffee shop
    closing last week, but he
    may actually have hit upon
    some really hard times.
    Just before Christmas, Peter
    went to see Disney On Ice at
    the O2, where he was spotted
    snaffling not one, not two,
    but eight goodie bags from
    the VIP reception.
    Pete, if you need to borrow
    a few quid:
 It's the 20th anniversary of Brian
 Harvey's career-ending comments on
 ecstasy. (20th anniversary of the
 Baked Potato Incident will be 2025)
      >> Book squirm <<
      Gove's got a new friend
    Since he was sacked from the
    Cabinet, Michael Gove has had
    a lot more time on his hands.
    As his new writing gig at the
    Times only requires eight hours
    work a week (for a handsome
    annual salary of 150K), he's
    finally been able to catch up
    on some reading.
    Gove has got two biographies
    on the go at the moment.
    One is on Wagner – Hitler's
    favourite composer.
    The other is on Donald Trump.
 FYI: Little tip, Mike. Journalists
 normally research their subject
 *before* the big interview. Makes
 for a more interesting article.
 Gove's Times salary is impressive,
 but the MP who commands the highest
 hourly rate for his 'journalism'?
 Simon Danczuk gets about GBP700p/h.
      >> Big Questions <<
      What people are asking?
    Which former men's magazine
    cover star had a bit of an
    interest in astronomy and The
    Sky at Night, so leapt at the
    chance to meet its elderly
    presenter, Sir Patrick Moore?
    The girl in question hit it
    off so well with the monocled
    old stargazer that all the talk
    of Andromeda, Hubble and Orion's
    Belt soon led to Sir Patrick
    unbuckling his own belt – and
    receiving a relaxing blowjob
    from the young fan. 
 Gossip, trivia and the filthiest
 arts and crafts tasks in London –
 the Popbitch Popquiz returns to
 Smiths Of Smithfield on 8th Feb.
 Ltd tables left, 5GBP per person:
      >> Golden boy <<
      Rainman to the rescue!
    Downing Street may not need
    to rely on Farage to strike
    up a good relationship with
    Donald Trump. Westminster
    insiders think they might
    already have someone who'll
    be able to bond with the
    President: Theresa May's
    chief of staff, Nick Timothy.
    His secret nickname at Tory
    HQ is Rainman. And it's not
    because he's good at maths.
 George Washington spent 7% of his
 Presidential salary on booze.
      >> Brain drain <<
      Supermarket Schweep
    Germany manager Joachim Low's
    nickname for World Cup winner
    Bastian Schweinsteig was "The
    Brain", supposedly because he
    was the mastermind behind all
    of Germany's best plays.
    But as Jose Mourinho helps him
    into semi-retirement at Man U,
    there's not much for The Brain
    to do these days except to
    shop with his wife, ex-tennis
    star, Ana Ivanovic.
    Residents of Hale village
    often see them in the local
    supermarket. While Ana shops,
    The Brain likes to amuse
    himself by whizzing around
    the aisles like a child,
    pushing himself around with
    his feet up on the wheels
    of the trolley.
    Something tells us the nickname
    isn't really going to catch on.
 Sky Sports viewing figures for the
 Premier League down 25% since 2010.
      >> Casting ouch <<
      Snatch, Crackle and flop
    The TV version of Guy Ritchie's
    film Snatch is just wrapping up
    filming in Manchester and we're
    pleased to report that the whole
    shoot was entirely professional,
    pleasant and harmonious.
    Just kidding.
    Here's a Facebook status from
    one of the cast:
    (*Updated* - It seems as if the
    actor and producer involved in
    a little spat kissed and made
    up. He removed his Facebook 
    post and therefore in the 
    interest of on-set harmony
    so have we. Always nice in
    TV to see a happy ending)
    Coming to Crackle in April,
 Justin Bieber's Sorry was the 10th
 biggest song in the UK in 2015.
 And still popular enough to be
 the 16th biggest in 2016.
      >> Museum peace <<
      Frying pan/fire for Tris
    You'd think fans of dusty
    old relics would be supportive
    of the current Labour party,
    but Tristram Hunt's appointment
    as director of the V&A has
    pissed off a ton of people
    in the museum business.
    In all the talk about Hunt
    quitting because Corbyn's
    Labour party doesn't want him,
    no-one has asked whether he's
    going to get a warmer welcome
    at the V&A. Staff are up in
    arms about how Hunt got the
    job with zero museum experience.
    The V&A has always been seen
    as the pinnacle of a career,
    a position taken after years
    running other museums, but now
    it's been given to someone as
    their first job.
 George HW Bush hospitalised in
 Houston. Clever way to get out of
 attending Trump's inauguration.
      >> Where are they now? <<
      A turnip for the books
    Football grounds across Britain
    were showing their (belated)
    appreciation last weekend for
    the integrity of ex-England
    boss, Graham Taylor.
    It's interesting to note what
    happened to Brian Alexander,
    the Sun's Sports Editor who
    oversaw the whole "Swedes 2,
    Turnips 1" story.
    He went on to be the media
    adviser to... Sepp Blatter.
 Clay Aiken tweeted that Joe Biden
 should be worried about losing his
 Secret Service minders this week
 because "if I ever meet him, I might
 hug him and never let go". Awww.
      >> The mating dance <<
      Flatley's failed overture
    Over Christmas we unearthed an
    old Popbitch server with a load
    of emails from 2002 on it. We
    didn't think we'd get much of
    a chance to revisit any of the
    unused stories on there. Then
    Michael Flatley said he's going
    to dance for the inauguration.
 anon writes:
    "A very glamorous friend of
    mine was in the Met Bar a few
    years back and Michael Flatley
    sent one of his henchmen over
    to ask if she would like a
    drink. She politely declined.
    "The henchmen returned minutes
    later to try and re-persuade
    her but, again, she declined.
    "After a few minutes, the
    exasperated henchmen turned
    to her and said in tones of
    outrage 'But he is the Lord
    of the Dance!'"
 Props to whoever has redirected the
 URL to Michael
 Flatley's website.
      >> Money talks <<
      Where there's a will...
    Ever since his death, lots of
    stories about George Michael's
    secret kindness and generosity
    have been coming to light. It's
    thought that much of his money
    and royalties have been left to
    deserving causes like Terrence
    Higgins, Childline and assorted
    homeless charities.
    In fact, the only blot on his
    copybook was in 2012 when it
    was revealed that he invested
    six million quid in the now-
    infamous Liberty film tax
    avoidance scheme.
    Many of the stars caught up
    in that scheme blamed it on
    investment advice from their
    accountant, Stephen Marks.
    As Marks is the executor of
    George's will, let's hope
    that it was a one off...
 Nominative Determinism of the Week:
 Ticketfly's lawyer... Jeremy Liegl!
      >> Beyond the fringe <<
      The unpaid workers' party
    A political events company,
    The World Transformed, emailed
    around London media types this
    week offering some new jobs.
    They describe themselves as a
    "Momentum spin off... the ones
    behind the Momentum fringe
    festival at the Labour Party
    They're looking to hire a
    videographer, a designer,
    a writer/editor and a web
    developer, and they are
    encouraging "female, BAME
    and LGBTQ+ applications" for
    the 10-hours-per-week roles.
    And how much are they going
    to pay the black genderfluid
    content creators who apply?
    Absolutely nothing.
    Power to the people.
 Media Masters podcast with Michael
 Hodges, editor-at-large of the Radio
 Times, former exec ed at Time Out,
 and writer of Slice Of Life column:
      >> Hmmms <<
      Bo, Magnum, CaveWatch
    Eurovision season has begun
    as Sasha Bognibov (the man
    from Moldova behind I Love
    The Girls Of 13 Years Old)
    releases his entry for 2017:
    Nick Cave spotting is
    back in full swing:
    All Star by Smash Mouth,
    with every note retuned
    to C:
    The Tube map, redesigned
    with each station's most
    used Instagram tag:
    Seeing as that Cilla statue
    made the news this week:
    Magnum's Ferrari is up
    for sale:
    Want a pair of Trump protest
    pants? On Kickstarter now:
    Bo and Sunny get their final
    run around the White House:
 Thanks to: AM, PRT, O, CMH, monstris
 JF, EN, BD, posh_duckhunter, EC,
 deep_stoat, ulysses
 Old Jokes Home:
 I've just accidentally swallowed
 some scrabble tiles.
 My next shit could spell disaster.
 Still Bored?
 Last week's joke turns out to
 be wrong. It seems people do
 pay a lot to have lentils on
 their face:

Fancy Another?


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