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Issue 829 – We Heard Guzzling

 ***********************************
 Irish comedian Al Porter (as seen
 on Michael McIntyre's Big Show) is
 going to be HUGE. Catch him now,
 Soho Theatre 28 April - 6 May.
 10GBP tickets with code PINKTIE:
 http://bit.ly/2pGoO2i
 ***********************************
 
 
 "There's no such thing as a
 sexy clown" - Goldie Hawn
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 | |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
 | .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
 |_|         |_| 20.04.17 ISSUE 828
 Free email every week
 Subscribe http://eepurl.com/XSZoP
 Email stories hello@popbitch.com
 * Farewell, Kelvin MacKenzie!
 * Top Gear's pap attack!
 * Charts: Ed v Harry v Bandit
 ------------------------------------
 
 
      >> Girl shower <<
      Court and courtship
 
    Mel B and Stephen Belafonte have
    a divorce hearing in court next
    Monday and all signs point to it
    being extremely messy.
 
    Mel went on the offensive early,
    trying to pin the more salacious
    sexual stuff on Stephen. However,
    while he is undeniably awful
    and controlling, it seems that
    a fair few girls are lined up to
    back his claims that Mel was the
    dominant force in the bedroom.
 
    Either way, it seems we're going
    to be hearing a lot more about
    their antics in the coming weeks.
    Whether anyone is prepared to
    testify that Mel's big 'thing'
    was to retrieve Stephen's spunk
    from the girls once he had
    finished with them remains
    to be seen.
 
 
 FYI: The word used to describe this
 habit of Mel's to us was "guzzling"
 so the court reporter is going to
 want to get a good night's sleep
 before this all starts. It might
 be their last one in a while...
 
 
 ------------------------------------
 The two showbiz reporter threesomes
 we mentioned before? Turns out it
 was actually one big foursome.
 ------------------------------------
 
 
      >> Snooze like Jagger <<
      Bianca's big night out
 
    The Index on Censorship held
    their Freedom of Expression
    awards last night.
 
    Bianca Jagger turned up and very
    kindly expressed her solidarity
    for all of the journalists who
    have been arrested over the
    last year. By falling asleep.
 
 
 ------------------------------------
 Harry Styles once brought carrot
 cake to a Fleetwood Mac concert
 to give Stevie Nicks. He even
 piped her name onto it.
 ------------------------------------
 
 
      >> Big Questions <<
      What people are asking?
 
    Which Hollywood ex-teen star is
    following in the footsteps of
    celebs like Sophie Anderton
    and Anna Kournikova by getting
    paid to holiday with a certain
    sheikh in the Emirates? He's a
    long way from high school now.
 
 
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 ***********************************
 
 
      >> The spurn of the Mac <<
      Kelv's fall from disgrace
 
    The day after we told you that
    News UK chief Rebekah Brooks
    was itching to ditch Kelvin
    MacKenzie's column from the
    Sun, Kelv went and made her
    dreams come true by doubling
    down on his Liverpool attacks
    (on the eve of Hillsborough's
    anniversary, no less) and
    tossing in a racially dubious
    garnish to top it off.
 
    He was suspended immediately
    and an announcement about his
    future is expected soon. He's
    going to get the boot, possibly
    as early as tomorrow (his next
    column was due on the 21st)
    though the snap election has
    perhaps bought the paper a
    little more breathing space.
 
    Murdoch has already had to
    sack one big beast this week
    in Fox News's Bill O'Reilly.
    Will he shoot down a second
    in the same week? With News
    Corp's bid to buy its remaining
    share of Sky now hanging in the
    balance, of course. We wouldn't
    be surprised if the knife comes
    out sooner rather than later.
 
    Murdoch already shut down a
    whole newspaper to protect
    his Sky bid. A mate like Kelv
    is small fry in comparison.
 
 
 ------------------------------------
 Why didn't we spot the acronym of
 Kelvin's business, A Spokesman Says,
 before? It is, of course, ASS.
 ------------------------------------
 
 
      >> Gallagher bothers <<
      Brooks ready for phase two?
 
    That contentious Kelvin column
    might also be the undoing of
    Sun editor Tony Gallagher too.
    There's been spin behind the
    scenes that he was away on
    holiday but, in reality, he was
    back in the editor's chair when
    the blunder occurred – and it's
    given Rebekah Brooks all the
    rope she needs.
 
    Brooks feels that Gallagher's
    hardline stances are a turn-off
    for Sun readers and advertisers,
    so is keen to pivot the paper
    away from politics and towards
    lighter, more showbiz-focused
    stories.
 
    Up until now, Gallagher has
    been sitting pretty because
    Rupert likes having the ex-
    Daily Mail man there to keep
    the Sun's foot firmly on the
    government's neck until they
    deliver full Brexit.
 
    However, now that a general
    election has been called and
    the prospect of an increased
    Tory majority looks all but
    nailed on – the combination
    of last week's little boo-boo
    and a hard Conservative lead
    may mean that Gallagher ceases
    to be quite so irreplaceable
    after June 8th.
 
 
 ***********************************
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 ***********************************
 
 
      >> Sex factor <<
      Louisa fills Lawrence gap
 
    After targeting Hollywood stars
    like Jennifer Lawrence and Miley
    Cyrus, the latest iCloud photo
    hack has brought the nude pics
    of a load of British celebs to
    the internet.
 
    Stacey Solomon, Alex Jones and
    Lacey Bangard have all suffered
    some unwanted column inches over
    it, but one of the victims (X
    Factor winner, Louisa Johnson)
    hasn't had any namechecks in
    the tabloids. Why's that?
 
    Was it down to some expert arm-
    twisting from her label, Syco?
    Or was it the handiwork of her
    manager, Professor "Jonathan"
    Shalit? Hard to tell...
 
 
 ------------------------------------
 Michael Portillo has been filming
 his Great Rail Journeys this week
 at the Taj Mahal, Agra.
 ------------------------------------
 
 
      >> Pap attack! <<
      Reid it and weep
 
    Earlier this week Top Gear had
    their season two wrap party at
    a pub in London. A few hours
    in, an SUV with blacked-out
    windows pulled up opposite and
    a bloke in a green anorak made
    his way over to the crew, very
    intently trying to sell drugs
    to (black) presenter Rory Reid.
    After being told to sling his
    hook, the bloke wanders off.
    Then, all of a sudden, paps
    pile out of the van and start
    taking photos of the party.
 
    A tabloid sting gone awry?
    It was a more than a little
    curious to see pictures from
    that very same pap attack
    appear on the Mail Online as
    part of an otherwise innocuous
    "Matt LeBlanc Steps Out With
    British Girlfriend" story.
 
    Especially as they chose to
    include one picture where the
    only person actually in focus
    was the unknown 'dealer'.
 
    A shame. We're sure they had
    a really good "Top GEAR!" or
    "WRAP party!" headline for
    it. Certainly something good
    enough to warrant ambushing
    Rory like that.
 
 
 ------------------------------------
 Rory Reid's middle name is Ricardo.
 Making his initials RRR.
 ------------------------------------
 
 
      >> The white stuff <<
      Dettori comes up on the rail
 
    Since his 2012 ban for cocaine
    use, jockey Frankie Dettori has
    made a very successful comeback
    in the world of horse racing.
    Earlier this week, he was at
    Newmarket trying to help a
    trainer decide whether or not
    to enter a much-fancied horse
    into the upcoming 2000 Guineas.
 
    Sadly, Dettori's time out on
    the horse in question wasn't
    great. Which is weird because,
    on paper at least, Frankie
    Dettori and Escobar seem like
    a perfect pair.
 
 
 ------------------------------------
 Barron Trump spotted wearing a full
 Arsenal kit at the White House. The
 club's owner also gave his Dad $1m
 for his inauguration. (Man Utd and
 Fulham FC owners ponied up too).
 ------------------------------------
 
 
      >> Opposites attract <<
      Another Hollywood odd couple
 
    Liz Taylor and Colin Farrell.
    Tom Cruise and Cher. Brad Pitt
    and Sinitta. Hollywood often
    specialises in odd couples –
    but Brett Ratner and Danny
    Cohen?
 
    The former BBC big cheese made
    an announcement this week that
    his Access Entertainment had
    bought James Packer's half of
    RatPac Films and will co-chair
    the film financing company
    with Ratner. How will that go?
 
    Ratner is best known as the
    one who lost his gig producing
    the Oscars when he announced
    that "rehearsals are for fags".
    Or maybe as the director who
    told Howard Stern of his talent
    for oral sex (as practiced on
    a young Lindsey Lohan), the
    size of his balls and the
    extent of his sperm count.
    Or possibly as the guy that
    Olivia Munn once saw wanking
    over a plate of prawns.
 
    Cohen, on the other hand, was
    described by the Daily Mail as
    the "metropolitan, metrosexual,
    leftie luvvie”, gained plaudits
    for banning all-male panel
    shows and axed Jeremy Clarkson
    for his boorish behaviour.
 
    What could possibly go wrong?
 
 
 ------------------------------------
 Uganda have announced that they've
 stopped bothering to hunt for
 Joseph Kony. Good job, #Kony2012!
 ------------------------------------
 
 
      >> Mortal wombat <<
      RIP Paddy, hello newbies
 
    Sad news this week. Popbitch's
    favourite wombat, Patrick, died.
    Thought to be the world's oldest
    (certainly one of the biggest),
    the 31 year-old succumbed to
    old age.
 
    So what social media animals
    can fill that wombat-sized gap
    this week? Try these:
 
    * A baby hippo in the shower
 http://bit.ly/2oq2BnV
 
    * The skateboarding dog
    of Stoke Newington
 http://bit.ly/2oq6QzM
 
    * Birds that like La Bamba
 http://bit.ly/2o7r45p
 
    * Red Panda scared of rock
 http://bit.ly/2pj0vKP
 
 
 ------------------------------------
 In the last three general election
 years (2005, 2010 and 2015) the
 Premier League was won by Chelsea.
 ------------------------------------
 
 
      >> Curtain call <<
      Rebirth of a salesman story
 
    Last week we ran a story about
    the recently deceased actor
    Tim Piggot-Smith and a cursed
    production of Death Of A
    Salesman that he was due to
    appear in just before he died.
    Scandal-heavy, the story took
    in inter-cast fighting, broken
    legs, hospital visits, pay-offs
    and ended with the star of the
    show dropping dead three days
    before curtain up.
 
    Within the hour, we received
    a rather stern email telling
    us that there were a number of
    inaccuracies in our story and
    we should correct the record
    as a matter of great urgency.
 
    The list of errors in full:
 
    1/ James Dacre (son of Paul)
    is the artistic director of
    the theatre, not the director
    of the play.
 
    2/ Erm... that's it.
 
    We are happy to clarify.
 
 
 ***********************************
 Fri 21st April is Sexual Happiness
 Day and Lovehoney is celebrating
 with 20% off all its sex toys.
 Offer ends at midnight on Sunday.
 https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/greatsex/
 ***********************************
 
 
      >> Hmmms <<
      Spicer, juicing, Korn
 
    Google v other websites:
 http://bit.ly/2pGtbNH
 
    12 year old Tye (son of Metallica
    guitarist Robert Trujillo)
    debuted in Korn this week:
 http://bit.ly/2oTomNO
 
    Florida's pointless prison
    population:
 http://bit.ly/2opSKP4
 
    Sean Spicer as the Easter Bunny:
 http://bit.ly/2oYU4LH
 
    "The Steve Jobs of juicing":
 https://bloom.bg/2oO7Lgg
 
    Talk like a comedy writer:
 http://bit.ly/2pj5oUc
 
 
 ************************************
 Thanks to: posh_duckhunter, SA, LO,
 whitemaninhammersmithpalais, NW, JG,
 soapy_handerton, SA, KMC, AP, SL,
 IT, TM, AR
 ************************************
 
 
 Old Jokes Home:
 We went bobsleighing the other day.
 Killed a lot of bobs...
 
 
 Still Bored?
 Want to go cruising with the
 Backstreet Boys?
 https://backstreetboyscruise.com/

Fancy Another?

Issue33IgnominiousSmall

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