Steven Seagal vs. Everyone

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Sort of, anyway.  Jet Li, Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Bruce Willis, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Roberts, Randy Couture, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Terry Crews, Mickey Rourke, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Brittany Murphy, Charisma Carpenter and Gary Daniels all star in The Expendables. So that’s everyone. Well, everyone except Steven Seagal.

Now pick your jaw up from the ground (or your pants, whichever dropped first) and read on in order to find out why The Expendables might be the best film you’ll ever see.

UPDATE: Here’s the trailer.. it’s even better than you expected

Fresh from the old-school carnage of Rambo, Stallone decided that it wasn’t enough for just one major action star to blow the shit out of everything – but that the world would benefit from a dozen or so more arse-kickers being invited to the party.  So he picked up the phone and did just that.  He rounded up the hardest, toughest, meanest mofos from the world of wham-bang cinema and put them in a movie which will surely render any future action film obsolete.

The Expendables concerns a tough (we mean really tough) group of mercenaries sent into South America to find a Bolivian dictator and probably punch him loads of times in the face, or something.  Story doesn’t really matter (although evidently it did to Jean Claude Van-Damme – who turned it down due to a lack of character development, and instead went on to play a mindless, personality-free killing machine in Universal Soldier: Regeneration), as all you need to know is that every hard bastard who has ever kicked someone really hard in the nuts in a movie is probably in this film.

Apart from Steven Seagal.  Where is Steven Seagal?  Why isn’t he in The Expendables?  Well, that’s because he’s going to be in Machete – the other best film of all time.

In Machete, Seagal will be joined by Robert De Niro, Danny Trejo, Jessica Alba, Lindsay Lohan, Cheech Marin, Jeff Fahey, Don Johnson, Rose McGowan, Tom Savini and Michelle Rodriguez.

Pick up whatever it is you’ve dropped again.

Robert Rodriguez’s suitably OTT jamboree is set to give The Expendables a run for its money in the action and ensemble stakes.  Machete is based on Rodriguez’s own fake trailer that appeared in between the two parts of 2007′s Grindhouse.  As with Stallone’s opus, we’re not really bothered about the story (something about Trejo’s renegade out to hunt some people who double-crossed him), but are more looking forward to Trejo extracting seven various hues of excrement out of numerous bad guys.  Oh and it’ll be the first chance to see Steven Seagal on the big screen since 2001′s Exit Wounds – so that’s worth the ticket price right there.

So which one is going to be better?  Well we’ve had a think and provided a quick list of pros and cons for each film, so that you can decide for yourselves.

The Expendables


Rambo was awesome: If Stallone can deliver the same quality of action as he did with Rambo then we’re in for a treat.

It’s going to bring back action stars who don’t exactly have the biggest careers any more: Actors like Gary Daniels, Eric Roberts and Dolph Lundgren aren’t as big as they once were – but a part in the biggest action film ever might prove the needed remedy to this predicament.

Gary Daniels is in it: Statham’s not the only English fighter in this – there’s ‘The Brit’ too, played by kickboxer and veteran action movie star Gary Daniels.  Also to be seen in the upcoming Tekken film.

Eric Roberts is in it: Even though his sister Julia Roberts is far more successful, she certainly couldn’t roundhouse kick someone in the head with the same amount of professional conviction as Eric.

Charisma Carpenter is in it: Stallone’s had the sense to put a few nice-looking ladies in amongst all the men – he’s not sexist.

The cameos: If the principal cast wasn’t testosterone-fueled enough, Bruce Willis and ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER will appear in cameo roles.  Even if he’s not blowing stuff up, seeing Ahh-nurld on screen once more will surely be every action fan’s wet dream.

The cast contains real martial arts experts: Li, Couture, Daniels, Statham, Lundgren and Roberts all have great experience with martial arts in their lives outside of film.

It’s going to be amazing: IT’S GOING TO BE AMAZING.


There might not be enough explosions in it: You can never have too many explosions.

Jessica Alba is not in it: But don’t worry – she is in Machete.


Note: This is the fake trailer that appeared with Grindhouse – the final film will be slightly different


Steven Seagal is in it: THIS IS A GOOD THING.


There might not be enough Steven Seagal in it: THIS WOULD BE A BAD THING

So there you go, the two best films of all time coming out in the same year – but which one will be the greatest?  Well you’ll have to wait till later this year to find out.


Hell yeah! Machete rules!


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