Come on Charlie, smash it!

The latest issue of popbitch is now available to read online

"I don't think the British public wants to be
told what to watch" - Adrian Chiles

"My favourite place is Sandbanks. I went there and I
didn't even believe I was in England" - Tinie Tempah
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|_|         |_| 17.02.11 ISSUE 533

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* Make your own Duck Sauce
* Redknapp smashes it
* Charts: Lady Gaga will be number one

         >> Redknapp smashes it <<
         Richard Keys would be so proud

    Nintendo Wii launched a new game, Wii Party,
    this week. The advert features their usual
    celebrity endorsers, Jamie and Louise
    Redknapp. The advert starts with Jamie playing
    the mini-game Goal Getters with his son.
    And the first, somewhat unfortunate, phrase
    he uses to encourage him?

    "Come on Charlie, smash it!"


Tamara Ecclestone, whose father just bought her a
45 million pound house, doesn't think she is spoilt.
Because, she says "'spoilt' means ruined, and
I don’t feel ruined". So that's alright then.

        >> Visa teaser <<
        Send for the bloke from Hollyoaks!

    Janice Dickinson was supposed to be a guest
    on Celebrity Juice tonight. About an
    hour before the show was due to be filmed
    all was well. And then suddenly poor Janice
    was seen storming out of the studio in tears.
    Her people hadn't let on that she didn't have a
    working visa for it. Show execs somehow found
    out and had to draft in some bloke from
    Hollyoaks at the last moment. 

Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall is known to neighbours
by the nickname "How Much Hugh". Perhaps not
everyone is impressed by the prices in his shop.

        >> Just dance <<
        Get off the soapbox, get on the floor

    Lady Gaga's over-hyped release of her
    Madonna rip-off, Born This Way, seems to be
    backfiring. Acolytes and mainstream media
    may have lapped it up but many fans are
    complaining that it feels more like a cynical
    marketing tool rather than genuine piece of
    pop. It should never be up to the artist to
    anoint their own work as a gay anthem - that's
    for listeners to decide (and if there's one
    thing that The Gays should inarguably be
    allowed to adopt, it's their own anthems). 

    The problem Gaga has created for herself
    is that by making gay fans feel like they've
    been used as a promotional weapon, everything
    she does is coming under scrutiny. Her S&M
    video stylings, closely linking the concept
    of "being gay" with being a freak, or an
    outcast, for example. Even her previously
    well-received attempt to support the repeal
    of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is being
    questioned, particularly her use of the line
    "We are not asking you to agree with
    or approve the moral implications of
    homosexuality". What moral implications?

    No doubt she started out with good intention
    - she's possibly just a victim of her own hype -
    but Gaga might be advised to stop focusing on
    politics and start focusing on pop again.

Jamelia’s favourite drink is Malibu and pineapple.

       >> Big Questions <<
       Who is asking what this week

    Which Premier League international
    footballer is currently starring in a video
    going round the red-tops? There's him
    (and he's really no oil painting),
    a hooker, and action described by a
    picture desk as "hardcore".

Win a Shane Meadows DVD box set and Dead Man's
Shoes inspired M65 jacket. Perfect for small town
revenge missions. Apparently Paddy Considine has
even ordered one. Follow @saviourprojects and
tweet 'Popbitch' at them to enter:

         >> Back for good? <<
         Lena wants to keep her crown

    Reigning Eurovision winner Lena is coming
    back to defend her trophy and she's drafted
    in some pretty heavy-duty songwriters to
    help her (Errol Rennalls, who was behind
    Mousse T's Sex Bomb; Nicole Morier, who
    writes for Britney; soul singer Aloe Blacc)
    but she told us back in June that she was
    planning to enter a song of her own - a
    German language ditty titled "Ich Bin Der
    Pipimann" ("I Am The Piss Man").

    Someone even went to the trouble of fleshing
    out the a cappella version she sang for us
    with full music.

    Come on Lena! It's got 12 points written
    all over it:

With only 12 of the 43 songs out there, it's probably
too soon to predict a winner but so far our money
is on Norway. Listen here

Ashley Young has booked The Grove hotel
for his upcoming wedding. It's where the England
team stay before Wembley games. Very imaginative.

         >> Sooty thinks it's shit <<
         RIP the man behind the Cinzano ads

    Advertising agency legend, Ron Collins,
    (the C in WCRS) died last week. He was probably
    most famous for being the man behind those
    iconic Cinzano ads of the 1970s, starring
    Leonard Rossiter and Joan Collins.

    When Ron interviewed creatives for a job
    he had a strange habit, particularly when
    he was unimpressed by the interview.  He'd say
    that he'd have to confer with somebody else,
    but rather than bring in a colleague, he
    produced a Sooty hand puppet. Ron would then
    whisper to it, pretend to listen to a
    reply and, say to the interviewee
    "Sorry, Sooty thinks it's shit."

FYI 1: Joan Collins was only supposed to star in one
Cinzano ad, with Joanna Lumley and Felicity Kendall
in the frame for two others, but it worked so well she
did them for five years. 

Popbitch's favourite new fast food executive?
Burger King's European marketing supremo...
John Schaufelberger.

         >> Olympic hand-over <<
         Limp wristed porn king shakes it up        

    At an event to celebrate West Ham's
    successful bid to take over the
    Olympic Stadium, joint-chairman David
    Sullivan surprised the young crew of a
    local TV station by using what was described
    to us as a kind of "soul brother" overhand
    grip to shake their hands.

    Was this some sort of hamfisted attempt
    at trying to appear cool and 'with it'
    in front of the kids? Apparently not.
    Sullivan explained it was because he has
    difficulty grasping hands in the normal
    way, because he suffers from a weak wrist.

FYI: David Sullivan made his millions
flogging porn. Is this any wonder?

Joe Klein is reporting that Glenn Beck is close
to being canned by Fox News.

         >> Basement jizz <<
         Partying in Fritzl's cellar

    Austrian authorities have been called in
    to seal up the door to Josef Fritzl's sex
    cellar after it became a hot new party venue
    in the town of Amstetten. Officers called
    to the property found smashed-up chairs, a
    mattress, drug paraphernalia and alcohol
    bottles littered in the basement dungeon.

    Fritzl, obviously, has not been available
    for comment, but we can assume he approves
    of this sort of behaviour. Sounds exactly
    like the sort of hijinks that the star of
    the show he famously said was his favourite
    would get up to - Two and a
    Half Men's Charlie Sheen.

Newt Gingrich, at last week's Conservative Political
Action Conference, arrived on stage to
the sound of Eye Of The Tiger.

        >> Access all areas <<
        Brings new meaning to flash your pass

    Anyone thinking of applying to work at
    the 2011 Edinburgh International Film
    Festival ought to be very careful. Someone
    has had an idea this year to have staff
    perform a specially composed EIFF anthem
    before each screening, as well as making them
    dress up as statues of famous film makers
    and having them stand about in the town
    (apparently to be known as the "Bill
    Douglas Terrorist Brigade").

    Still, on the plus side, they're planning
    on introducing EIFF underpants. Anyone
    who flashes them gets into the festival
    for free. So not only do staff get a pair
    (which they must wear at all times) they
    will also get a constant stream of strangers
    hitching up their skirts and unbuttoning
    their trousers. Nice.


Valentines Joke: "I booked a table for Valentine’s
Day for me and the wife. It ended in tears though.
Turns out she’s rubbish at snooker."

        >> Oscars: a grouch <<
        What about The Human Centipede?

    God, it's been a long awards season, hasn't
    it? Seemingly every week for months the same
    four or five films have won something. With
    little more than a week to go, most of the
    Oscar categories have a nailed-on dead cert
    winner. And yet in Hollywood there are a
    few insiders suggesting there could be at
    least one upset. Hailee Steinfeld is creeping
    up on Melissa Leo. Same for Geoffrey Rush on
    Christian Bale. And Roger Ebert thinks
    Tom Hooper not David Fincher will be
    Best Director. 

Check out Boylesports for the odds (and get a
free matched bet)

FYI: We think Best Supporting Actress should have
been Ashley C Williams. If you don't automatically
remember her performance, she was in The Human
Centipede. The one in the middle.
For all Popbitch Oscars:

Want to drink less, sleep more, stop smoking or
feel less anxious? You need to stress less. E-book
the Stress Less Mind can help. Only GBP 6.99.

        >> Things that make you go hmm <<
        Adele, Romanian wank scandal, Pikachu

    Make your own Duck Sauce:

    Rick Santorum on being known on the interweb as
    "a frothy mix of lube and fecal matter"

    As, like us, you probably couldn't face watching
    a Corden-fronted Brits, here's Adele's
    performance, which is worth watching:

    Q: How do you get 25 Pikachus into a Mini?
    A: Pokemon. And here's Pikachu Cat: 

    Our new favourite Eurovision entry - Romania.
    Their British singer David Bryan thought he
    was having a private internet chat with a girl.
    He was unaware she could see him tossing off on
    the webcam, or that she would send the
    transcript to a TV station. Our favourite bits?
    When he calls his penis "his best friend". And
    the inappropriate use of LOL. e.g. "I get so
    horny thinking about having wild sex
    with you. lol":

An inspired love letter to David Bowie. Modern,
audacious, trip-hop versions of classic tunes.

      >> UK Top 40 <<
     This week's new entries/high climbers

++Number One
LADY GAGA Born This Way

++Top Ten

++Top Twenty
ROCKETEER Far East Movement/Ryan Tedder 

++ Top Forty
JLS Broken Strings
YOU ME AT SIX I Knew It Was You

    >> End Bit <<
    Stuff about Popbitch

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* Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd.

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* Correction: we wrote last week that Leo
Silverman, the man who signed The White
Stripes for XL, was Jeremy Beadle's nephew.
Leo got in touch to say:
"Jeremy Beadle's stepson actually"

Thanks to: CL, AM, GA, SW, flobbit, BH,
fo_shizzle, stinky, danceswithmustelids,
deep_stoat, LS, bobbyfleckmann

Old Jokes Home:
I took a woman home last night and ended up
falling asleep on the sofa. 

I must have got our drinks mixed up.

Still Bored?
Obviously we wouldn't dream of suggesting
you listen to her phone messages, but take
a look at Kelly Hoppen's house instead: 

GMAIL subscribers: add
to your address book as google is being a bit
rubbish right now and delivering to you late.

Fancy Another?


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