Too Posh To Flush

The latest issue of Popbitch is now available to read online...

"I was not trying to hurt the owl. I did
it to see if it would fly" - Luis Moreno

"There's not one tattoo that I've got on me
that doesn't mean something" - David Beckham
POPBITCH           _     _ _
 _ __   ___  _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__
| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_|         |_| 03.03.11 ISSUE 535

Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to
Send us stories - email:

* Diana Ross is too posh to pull
* Peter Andre keeps things private
* Charts: Adele is still number one

         >> Mommy dearest <<
         The life and times of Christina A

    A few years ago, the now drunk and incapable
    Christina Aguilera was looking for an assistant.
    She had many demands for the new underling.
    High on her list was that the person she hired
    must like small dogs. She neglected to mention
    she had a child that they would also have to
    look, after along with the nanny. After
    several unsuccessful interviews, she was
    persuaded to highlight the need for a love
    of children above that of a love for air dogs.

Carl Barat has been spotted buying Aunt Bessie
Frozen Yorkshire Pudding in Sainsburys, Muswell Hill.

         >> Mysterious Girl/Boy <<
         Celebrity privacy comes in many forms

    Peter Andre seems to be enjoying life
    after ending his marriage to a notorious
    publicity seeker. Here he is last week,
    talking about his new love with Elen Rives.
    "We’re both keen to keep things away from
    the cameras as we want things to develop
    naturally and to keep our relationship private."

    Ah, celebrity privacy. So where is this
    quote from? Why, his New! magazine column,
    of course. In the same week that Elen - who,
    luckily for Pete, has the same management -
    gave a "world exclusive" interview about
    their relationship to OK!, and not long after
    they both appeared on the cover of the
    OK! magazine which celebrated OK! proprietor
    Richard Desmond's baby shower.

FYI: In Pete's column this week - how Elen's
kids (with Frank Lampard) won't be in his TV
show. Presumably he brought this up in the media
to make sure that they're kept out of the media...

Fees quoted to host an event at London Fashion Week:
Stacey Solomon 35k, Joe McElderry 5k. Joe got the job.

       >> Big Questions <<
       Who is asking what this week

    Which member of Snow Patrol has been known
    to warn his lucky conquests that he's got
    a small cock? (We're told "it is, but it
    was an okay ride anyway".) 

Peaches Geldof thinks Strictly Come Dancing
is tacky. (And the award for Lack Of
Self-Awareness 2011 goes to...)

         >> (Pull the) chain reaction  <<
         Diana Ross is too posh to flush
D writes:
    "Back in the late 80's I was working in
    construction in New York and my wife got a job
    as Diana Ross's housekeeper, at her very plush
    apartment off 5th Avenue.
    Among my wife's responsibilities was
    to flush the toilet after Diana had finished
    her number twos."

The Pope, apparently, smokes Marlboro Red.

        >> Bend for a friend <<
        African musicians come to London

    A few months back we wrote about "Benda
    Bilili" - a documentary about a band of
    (mostly) paraplegic musicians from the
    Democratic Republic Of Congo. Well, the
    film is due out this month and we can't

    The film-makers Renaud Barret and Florent
    De La Tullaye faced many challenges
    shooting the 5-year documentary on the
    streets of Kinshasa, which are populated
    by assorted 'shegues' (street kids),
    military dealers, hoods and thugs of all
    kinds - none more so than when they were
    thrown in jail for refusing to give in to
    police blackmail.

    The pair were only released when the members
    of Staff Benda Bilili led a pack of storming
    paraplegics to charge the police station
    shouting "Give us back our whites!".

Benda Bilili! Viral

FYI Fancy seeing it? There's a gala premiere
of the film that four lucky PB readers can win
ticket pairs to on Friday 11th March at London Union
Chapel. Mark your entries "Benda Bilili Popbitch
Competition" and send to before
midnight on Monday 7th.

Best email address of the week: Andrew Payne of
Wright Hassall Solicitors. Yes, that's A Payne
at Wright Hassall.

         >> All rise <<
         It's great to have Blue back

CC writes:
    "I saw Blue perform at the University of Hull
    summer ball, some years ago. They had just
    come from performing at Leeds' summer ball and
    were noticeably hammered. They, therefore,
    did a bad job at miming, but that made them
    entertaining. The best bit was watching them
    point, and through their microphones,
    say 'that one' 'her too'. Classy."

Adele has the biggest first week sales in the US
since Kanye West in October. She's also currently
one and two in the UK album chart. The last time
this happened was with The Corrs in 1999.

        >> Northern and hell <<
        The second coming of Robert Maxwell

    There's trouble brewing in Richard
    Desmond's empire. One of the execs at
    Channel 5 is privately claiming that
    the ex-Mrs Desmond was the stabilising
    influence and since the divorce
    Richard has been growing ever more barmy.
    Denise Van Outen's done it but
    don't be too surprised if disgruntled
    employees start to break cover about it too.
    There's certainly something of the Robert
    Maxwell going on. Take the new Health Lottery
    that Desmond has unveiled. Remind you in any
    way of when Maxwell started putting bingo on
    the front page of the Mirror, fronted by
    his own daughter? Let's hope the Desmond family
    don't own any yachts.

Ben Foster celebrated Birmingham's Carling Cup win
with Monday lunch at Galvin at Windows.

         >> Sing when you're sinning <<
         Who's who in the world of dictator pop

    One of the most surprising things to come
    out of the Libyan uprising is the revelation
    that Gaddafi paid Nelly Furtado $1 million
    to play a private concert for him. Who
    knew anyone still liked Nelly Furtado that much?

    Of course, she's not the first nor the last
    popstar to play for a controversial political
    leader. Others include:

    Sting - Islam Karimov (Uzbekistan)
    Bob Marley - Robert Mugabe (Zimbabwe)
    Manic Street Preachers - Fidel Castro (Cuba)
    James Brown - Mobutu Sese Seko (Congo)

    Chris De Burgh was also supposed to play for
    Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Iran) but the gig fell
    through due to civil unrest in the area.

    Hugo Chavez (Venezuela) doesn't care for the
    company of popstars. He prefers to hang out
    with actors. Sean Penn and Danny Glover have
    both been guests of his.

FYI Nice to see some stars are unwilling to get
caught up in politics. East 17 kept it real with
their Mongolian fans and earned their money the
hard way - playing a residency at a
working men's club out there.

Drinking together in the BA lounge Heathrow this
week: Dom Joly, Simon Day, Peter Duncan, Neil Ruddock,
Ricky Grooves and Julia Peasgood. On their way to
Argentina for celebrity Total Wipeout.

        >> Shithead <<
        Tom P B likes reading

    Tom Parker Bowles recently went to a
    meeting at a publishing company to
    talk about his food book. On his
    way out he decided to take home with
    him a copy of The Story Of The Little
    Mole Who Knew It Was None Of His Business.
    It's a story about a mole who discovers
    that he has a pile of shit on his head.
    Sounds like a man with good taste.

In the next series of Celebrity Masterchef -
Linda Lusardi and someone out of Hollyoaks.
Something to look forward to then.

         >> Eurovision update <<
         Fingers crossed we're going to Minsk       

    One of Eurovision's greatest charms is that
    it seems to hold a mirror up to the politics
    of Europe. This week was all about the former
    Eastern Bloc. Belarus entered a retro Sov-pop
    track called Born In Belarussia. From listening
    to it you might think that Belarus was a kind
    of isolated throwback to the Soviet era. Oh.
    (Sample lyrics "When I was wearing a star,
    back in the USSR".) And when the Pet Shop Boys
    -style Red Army choir kicks in it attains a
    certain genius. 

    And in Ukraine a vote-rigging scandal has hit.
    (What? In Victor Yanukovitch's ever-more
    regressive, Soviet-style country? No!)
    The final three were recalled for a second
    attempt at a fair final but our favourite,
    Jamala, announced she was pulling out as
    she didn't trust it leaving the original
    "winner" Mika Newton to walk it a second time.
    So now that she has won it fair and square,
    everyone's happy. Everyone except Mika Newton
    who has now decided she might change her song


FYI 1: Remember the amazing Babushkas who narrowly
failed to be Russia's entry last year?
They're rumoured to be this year's

FYI 2: Dana International is vying to represent
Israel again. We think we prefer one of her
competitors. He's called simply "Knob".

The Ford dealership in Peebles was owned by
a man called Harrison.

        >> Deuce Bigalow: cock <<
        When Hollywood goes to Asia

    Rob Schneider recently did a stand-up
    show in Singapore. This is what one of
    the helpers there told us about him:

    * Shorter than expected? TICK
    * Balding and wearing a ridiculous beret
     to cover this up? TICK
    * Insanely hot girlfriend that he would
     never get if he wasn't a 'star'? TICK
    * Asking you a question and then
    ignoring the answer? TICK.
    * Belittling the local comedians he invited
    to perform as guests at his gig for not being
    funny enough before they went on stage? TICK.
    * Berating same comics for being 'too funny',
    making his job harder after they went on? TICK.
    *Shouting catchphrases from one his
    movies and adding 'Singapore' to the end
    of it literally from the word go?.
    eg "You can do it Singapore"? TICK
    * Sleep walking through his gig as though
    he was only doing it for the money? TICK.

Strap yourselves in as A-list air hostess PAM ANN
touches down at the Magners Glasgow International
Comedy Festival 19th& 20th March.
"Cruelly funny" Madonna:

        >> Things that make you go hmm <<
        Otters, racehorses, Hong Kong recycling

    Builders for the childish - St Albans edition:

    Popbitch Popquiz is back! Tues 8th March, at
    The Player, Soho, 730pm. Featuring London's
    oddest accordion player doing Oscar winning
    songs, Last Man Standing and Family Fortunes.
Email for a table:

    Song of the week: 

    Sign of the Week: 

    "Coming Up On The Rails -  Big Tits" - mucky
    racehorse names that made it through the net:

    (If Popbitch had a horse what should it be
    called? email Best
    entries win a copy of 80s Mixtape. Don't
    say we don't spoil you.) 

    Bunnies are over:

      >> UK Top 40 <<
     This week's new entries/high climbers

++Number One
ADELE Someone Like You

++Top Twenty

++ Top Forty
MANICS Postcards From A Young Man

    >> End Bit <<
    Stuff about Popbitch

* Email stories, gossip:

* Subscribe or unsubscribe here:

* Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd.

* Mail by aysabtu

Thanks to: CL, WB, AM, SW, GA, muzar, CC, JW,
If !(sleep){sheep++;}, jesusandmaryjane, CMH,
simon_cowell, singapore_slag, deep_stoat, rafe
mount_st_nobody, muzar, L, 

Thanks to the many AFL fans who emailed us to
point out that Ricky Nixon is not the player
manager of St Kilda, but he's a personal
manager/player for some of the players.

Old Jokes Home:
Statistics show that 1-in-20 of us live next door
to a convicted paedo. Not me, though, I live next
door to two stunning eight year-olds.

Still Bored?
Adam Rickett - looking as comfortable on stage
as he ever did:

Fancy Another?


Subscribe To Our Free Weekly Newsletter

The infamous Popbitch newsletter
Scurrilous gossip since 2000
FREE every week by email