Bjorn Ulvaeus walked into a bar…

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|_|         |_|  14.03.11 ISSUE 541

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* Dean Gaffney likes Kylie Minogue
* Some stuff on phone hacking
* Charts: LMFAO is this week's number one

        >> Hurly Burley <<
        Top brass run scared of Sky's first lady

    As a tearful Peter Andre once found out on
    live TV, you don't want to cross Kay Burley.
    Perhaps it was a coincidence that the head of
    news took the day off when Sky made the
    announcement that the anchor for the Royal
    Wedding was to be Eamonn Holmes rather than
    Ms Burley, but we're inclined to think not.

Trudie Styler is remaking The Harder They Come.
Surely a starring role for Olly Murs?

        >> Hacker's Delight <<
        The genesis of tabloid hacking?

    Back in 1999 a British man says he had some
    problems with his new mobile phone account.
    His phone network found out his answer machine
    had been accessed by someone else. He was
    advised to change his phone and number and to
    set a password to protect his messages. The
    phone company told him exactly how it was done
    (see Popbitch issue 107 for instructions) and
    how to avoid it. So, being a good citizen, the
    man went to The Sun. He thought the
    newspaper should do a big splash on this huge
    potential issue. They took down the details,
    told him how interesting it was and sent him
    away. Weirdly, he thought, no story ever
    appeared. So he took the story to The Mirror.
    They too seemed interested. And yet, again,
    no story. He always wondered why the tabloids
    never printed it.

Sarah Palin, we're told, "smells of almonds".

        >> Big Questions <<
        What reporters are asking this week

    Which 24-hour news exec, on hearing of
    Elizabeth Taylor's death, berated his staff
    for failing to get Richard Burton on air
    to talk about it? Someone had to quietly
    point out that Burton was, in fact, dead.

    Was the bloke who looked a lot like
    Sean Pertwee that did a runner from a
    West London bar in the week without paying
    his bill really Sean Pertwee?

The moon landing was the first time ITV officially
beat the BBC's ratings on a joint broadcast.

        >> Wire in the blood <<
        Kirstie Allsop is good police

    The Hon. Kirstie Allsop is the posho
    daughter of Baron Hindlip, former chairman of
    Christie's auction house, most famous for TV
    property shows and being a Tory.

    So we were somewhat surprised to find that
    she seems to have named her children after
    characters in The Wire. 

    They are Bay and Herc(ules). 

Press release of the week: thanks to Taylor Herring
for telling us that Danny Boyle was named most
offensive stand-up comedian in a survey.

        >> Phones under the stammer <<
        Who's been listening to Gareth Gates

    Gareth Gates hasn't yet come up in the
    list of celebrities to complain about
    phone-hacking but, having re-read some
    old stories, we wouldn't be surprised
    if he does.

    Back in 2002, when Gareth Gates was first
    rising to fame and his romance with fellow
    contestant Hayley Evetts was a staple of
    the showbiz columns, one column had
    more details than most on the state of
    their relationship - specifically about
    the number of late-night phonecalls and
    saucy messages the pair exchanged.
    While this reality show puppy love
    might look too unimportant for such
    activities, it was at this time Jordan
    was claiming to have shagged Gareth -
    - a much more exciting allegation.

    And who was it bagging these scoops? Well,
    not the News of The World. Instead it was
    the Sun's Bizarre column, edited back
    then by current Sun editor Dominic Mohan.

Wife-beaters must be fashionable again. Chris
Brown's new single is in the top ten.

        >> Pwoper Gaffney <<
        Dean, daughter and Kylie

    Going to concerts with your dad can be
    embarrassing enough, but imagine how
    much worse it would be if your dad was
    Dean Gaffney.

    Dean was present at the final night of
    Kylie's latest stint at the O2 with one
    of his daughters, excitedly trying to
    get up and dance - particularly during
    Spinning Around and Can't Get You Out
    Of My Head. His daughter flat out refused
    to get up and dance with him, so poor
    Dean had to resort to texting and tapping
    his foot to the beat.

FYI: We also hear that he had seats higher
up in the arena, but begged for them to be
changed because his daughter was 'scared
of heights'. Yeah, nice excuse, Dean.

While the singles chart is virtually all digital,
it's a different story in the album chart. Alison
Krauss' new top 10 album has only 2% digital sales.

       >> Crazy basterd <<
       Eli Roth confuses his friends

   We always knew it would be a bad idea to
   shag Peaches Geldof, but it appears it may
   cause unexpected lasting mental damage.

   An acquaintance of Eli Roth's bumped into
   him last week and so decided to say hello
   - to which Roth replied "Wow, that was some
   fucking party!" The friend, confused, said
   he didn't think they'd been at any wild
   parties together. Roth too looked momentarily
   confused before prodding the friend in the
   chest and saying "Dude, I owe you an email".
   The friend, now completely baffled, said he
   really didn’t think so. Roth just laughed and
   wandered off.

Dr Jonathan Miller spotted in Camden Waterstone's.
He tried to put his card in at right-angles to the
debit card-reader before asking for help.

        >> Wife swap <<
        This week's Danny Dyerism

JB writes:
    "This week my girlfriend was waiting for me to
    pick her up (I was late, sorry Jo) at Rainham,
    Essex, train station when a 4x4 with blacked-
    out window pulled up next to her and the guy
    inside started shouting 'Joanne, get in'! My
    girlfriend was confused and could only reply,
    "Sorry?". At that point the driver -  the one
    and only Danny Dyer, had to hastily explain
    that he had mistaken her for his wife,
    coincidentally also called Joanne."

The first person to get sickness and the runs in
space was Apollo 8 controller Frank Bormann. Fellow
astronauts used baby wipes to catch the chunks of
Bormann’s undigested lunch floating in the capsule.

        >> The ii's have it <<
        A good reason for an X Factor revamp

    With stories everywhere predicting a big
    revamp of the X Factor judging panel,
    this is the best reason we've heard to
    ditch the Aussie:

    "You shouldn't trust Dannii Minogue.
    Her ii's are too close together"

FYI: Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: Piiig!

Bjorn Ulvaeus walked into a bar.
He didn't audition, or anything.
(It took us a while to get it too...)

        >> Farcenogenic <<
        Shoehorning Aniston into a mag pt 231

    It's hard to find things to take national
    pride in these days, but we've been
    banging on about the made-up cover lines
    on OK! magazine for enough years to think
    that the UK was at least the world leader
    in making up celebrity headlines. So imagine
    our dismay at picking up this week's
    National Enquirer.

    Next to a big photo of an emotional looking
    Jennifer Aniston screamed the words
    "Jen Breast Cancer Drama!" 

    And inside, the story that matched this
    shocking headline? Jennifer Aniston hopes
    to direct a TV show about people with cancer. 

    While it is, quite literally, a "breast
    cancer drama", is that really what that
    headline says to you? 

Our favourite titled forthcoming films:
1. Dead Hooker In A Trunk
2. Gladiators v Werewolves
3. Nude Nuns With Big Guns
(Know anything better? email:

        >> Things that make you go hmmm <<
        Steve Buscemi, Busted, Guilty Cat

    Wrong thing of the week - the Chocolate Museum
    in Bruges has a life-size chocolate Barack Obama.
    Complete with big white chocolate teeth: 

    Whatever happened to Charlie from Busted?
    He's gone solo and this is his track:

    CeCe Peniston meets Sex Pistols. Rather good:

    Raumpatroille - classic German sci-fi:


    After waiting months for that film about the
    killer tyre to be released it seemed like a
    great idea to go and review it after four
    hours in the pub: 

     Guilty Cat

T Mobile's new advert set to launch on Friday:

    >> End Bit <<
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Thanks to: LT, CL, deep_stoat, JB, AM Doobs, GO,
monstris, SW, deep_stoat, GA
* SG for the space facts
* @jacques_aih for the Dannii Minogue joke

Old Jokes Home:
Q: Who waves a blue and white scarf and sings
with Miami Sound Machine?
A: Gloria Leicesterfan.

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