“If your wired, your fired!”

The latest issue is now available to read online

Family Guy presents the world's sickest jokes

"I went up inside there on April 2 and I found
potato salad that expired on February 28. It’s
then I realized I can't do business with this
man. I really hope no-one ate those potatoes."
- Flavor Flav, on the demise of his chicken shop
POPBITCH           _     _ _
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| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_|         |_|  28.04.11 ISSUE 543

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* Some of the worst jokes we could find - PROMISE
* No more mentions of Wills and Kate - GUARANTEED
* LMFAO is this week's number one - AGAIN

        >> Gotta get down on Friday <<
        Loads of jokes for the long weekend

    Mind-numbing Royal Wedding overkill is almost
    at an end, so hopefully by this time next week
    the tedious coverage (and the equally tedious
    sarky anti-wedding news/merchandise/press
    releases) will have all dried up.

    Rather than add to the pile, we're ignoring it.
    So, as no doubt everyone's in the holiday mood
    already, we've rounded up the best/worst
    jokes we've been sent this week, along
    with a few of the anecdotes we've never quite
    found an excuse to print. Enjoy.

At any time the temptation to sing The Lion
Sleeps Tonight is never more than a whim away.

        >> On the Edge <<
        The good old days in Cheshire

    It's probably a good thing that our proper
    royalty - Goldenballs and Skeletor - moved
    abroad. This is what it was like when they
    reigned supreme in Britain. The CEO of Astra
    Zeneca used to take a helicopter from
    Manchester airport to the office helipad when
    he was pushed for time. Or at least he did
    until the company's Alderley Edge neighbours,
    Victoria and David, complained that the
    helipad lights disturbed them. No lights,
    no helipad. But what are the interests of
    the world's seventh largest pharmaceutical
    company, employing nearly 5,000 people in
    Cheshire alone, compared to the beauty sleep
    of two celebrities?

Women can do a much better Black Country accent
than men. Because the female of the species
is more Dudley than the male.

        >> Big Questions <<
        What people want to know this week

    Could it be true that the "world famous actor"
    with an injunction isn't quite as famous
    as all that and actually had to explain to
    the hooker who he was, as he was annoyed she
    didn't recognise him. A fact he probably
    rather regrets now...

My new neighbour is half-American and half-Iraqi.
He's his own worst enemy

        >> Dermot-itis <<
        X-Factor host dresses unsuitably

JC writes:
    "In the role of best man, I accompanied my
    friend to get measured for his bespoke wedding
    suit at a Savile Row tailors. Obviously not
    being the types to often buy fine garments,
    the tailor took the time to explain the fit
    and construction of a hand made suit. He told
    us, "The jacket should well fit across the
    shoulders, accentuating the broadness whilst
    maintaining a sharp line with the sleeve.
    Lots of people ruin the line of the sleeve
    when buying off-the-peg suits by choosing a
    jacket that tries to make their shoulders
    look as broad as possible - just like Dermot

I used to do a bad impression of Eric Morecambe,
but now I've seen the error of my waheys.

         *** A "Crap Celeb Run-ins" Special ***
     Your finest moments with the rich and famous

        >> Frosty manner <<
        Sadie's sassy party-talk

Hammo writes
    "10 or so years ago, I was at an aftershow
    party (Supergrass's, I think) in a small
    basement club in Soho. There was only one
    cubicle and so, for obvious reasons, the
    queue was always long. In front of me was
    Sadie Frost. As she went into the cubicle,
    she turned round to me and said, 'I hope
    you piss your pants'."       

heavycola writes: "Heston Blumenthal asked me the
way to the toilets once at a foodie event in UCL.
I didn’t know, and told him as much."

        >> Brad sportsman <<
        The club's most capped player

Fluff writes:
    "I played for a local football team with
    Bradley from S Club between 2005 - 2008.
    He stopped playing with us to concentrate
    on the ill fated re-launch of the band.
    Whilst not a bad player, I was one of the
    only co-players to recognise him when he
    joined the team despite the fact he wore
    his trademark baseball cap in every game,
    which prevented him from heading the ball
    even when really he should have. He used
    to do that back flip every time he scored."

johnjohn writes: "I shared a lift with Tim Robbins
in a hotel in LA once. He stared at the numbers
all the way down."

        >> Hit and Lum <<
        Joanna turns out to be nice

YF writes:
    "Joanna Lumley ran into the back of my car
    (with her car, I mean) and managed to do
    some damage to the bumper.  She was very
    nice and calm and offered to pay something
    on the spot. As I preferred to get the job
    priced first, she gave me her address. When
    I sent her the bill, she paid up by cheque.
    Not very rock ‘n’ roll, but very considerate."

SM writes: "I once saw Chris Noth on Picadilly and
said 'Oh my God, it's Big!' loudly. He smiled very
pleasantly as we walked past."

         >> Gone, not forgotten <<
         RIP: the late, quite great Poly Styrene

bathwithkirsty writes:
    "I served Poly Styrene a cream tea at a hotel
    in Farnham in 1991. Her credit card was in her
    stage name which I found confusing. I had no
    idea who she was but she tipped well and was
    very smiley so this is very sad news."

Cher's American Express card is also in her stage
name. It reads, simply, "Cher".

         *** Crap Celeb Run-ins run out ***

        >> Sticks and stones <<
       Perhaps drummers get the last laugh

    Q: What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
    A: Gifted. Everyone knows a drummer jokes.
    It's difficult to spend more than a couple of
    hours with music industry execs without being
    told one. ("Hey, did you hear about the
    drummer who finished high school? Me
    neither" etc.) But this all has to change,
    if the New Yorker are to be believed.
    There's a brilliant article on time, and
    how drummers' brains are actually better
    than everyone else's when it comes to timing.

    Brian Eno told a story about U2 drummer, Larry
    Mullen. When he was producing All That You
    Can't Leave Behind Eno gave
    Mullen a click track (computer generated
    beat) to play drums over, as a way of keeping
    everything in synch. Mullen swore the click
    track wasn't right, and refused to play
    over it. Eventually Eno adjusted it -
    but just to humour the drummer, as he knew
    it couldn't be at fault. Except he later
    found Mullen was right. The click was off
    - by six milliseconds! "The thing is," said Eno,
    "when we were adjusting it I once had it two
    milliseconds to the wrong side of the beat,
    and he said, 'No, you’ve got to come back a
    bit.' Which I think is absolutely staggering."

Read the full article - loads more on drummers,
plus it also helps explain why time really does
seem to speed up as you get older:

My mother always taught me to make little things
count. So now I teach maths to dwarfs.

        >> Arm-ageddon it <<
        Very niche advertising

    Do you have one arm, dislike smoking dope,
    drum and love Def Leppard? Pyromania -
    the hottest Def Leppard tribute act in Dallas
    no less - are looking for you! To be their
    Rick Allen. Their brilliant ad for their
    Def Leapard (Sic) tribute act also requires
    you to have no prosthetics, flame-retardant
    kit and, remember, "If your wired, your
    fired!" Fancy it?


Imogen Thomas is an anagram of "Monogamist, eh?"

        >> Things that make you go hmmm <<
        NKOTB, Backstreet Boys and Hanson!

    Someone, please, give this man a job:

    New Kids On The Block and Backstreet Boys
    join forces to limp through a few hits
    as NKOTBSB:

    Whereas Hanson sound better than ever:

    Eurovision gets properly going this weekend.
    The money is all for Azerbaijan, UK and France
    at the moment. What are you on?

    Want to remix a Howard Jones classic?

    How could this robber possibly have
    been identified?

    Come and see us at the Camden Crawl.
    We're hosting a quiz this Sunday.
    There's prizes, accordion R'n'B and
    lots more:

    >> End Bit <<
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Thanks to: CL, NM, ARO, ulysses, deep_stoat

Jokes: For more like these follow @jacques_aih
and thanks also to posh_duckhunter, GA

Old Jokes Home:
Didn't help myself in court yesterday. I was
arrested for child porn charges and the Judge
said, "How does 5-6 years sound?"
I said, "Sexy."

Still Bored?
Create reams of hackers' code by randomly
smashing your keyboard - just like in
the movies!

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