“If your wired, your fired!”
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**************************************************** Family Guy presents the world's sickest jokes http://bit.ly/mlugyo **************************************************** "I went up inside there on April 2 and I found potato salad that expired on February 28. It’s then I realized I can't do business with this man. I really hope no-one ate those potatoes." - Flavor Flav, on the demise of his chicken shop ---------------------------------------------------- POPBITCH _ _ _ _ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ | '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ | |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | | | .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| |_| |_| 28.04.11 ISSUE 543 Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe go to http://www.popbitch.com Send us stories - email: hello@popbitch.com * Some of the worst jokes we could find - PROMISE * No more mentions of Wills and Kate - GUARANTEED * LMFAO is this week's number one - AGAIN ---------------------------------------------------- >> Gotta get down on Friday << Loads of jokes for the long weekend Mind-numbing Royal Wedding overkill is almost at an end, so hopefully by this time next week the tedious coverage (and the equally tedious sarky anti-wedding news/merchandise/press releases) will have all dried up. Rather than add to the pile, we're ignoring it. So, as no doubt everyone's in the holiday mood already, we've rounded up the best/worst jokes we've been sent this week, along with a few of the anecdotes we've never quite found an excuse to print. Enjoy. ---------------------------------------------------- At any time the temptation to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is never more than a whim away. ---------------------------------------------------- >> On the Edge << The good old days in Cheshire It's probably a good thing that our proper royalty - Goldenballs and Skeletor - moved abroad. This is what it was like when they reigned supreme in Britain. The CEO of Astra Zeneca used to take a helicopter from Manchester airport to the office helipad when he was pushed for time. Or at least he did until the company's Alderley Edge neighbours, Victoria and David, complained that the helipad lights disturbed them. No lights, no helipad. But what are the interests of the world's seventh largest pharmaceutical company, employing nearly 5,000 people in Cheshire alone, compared to the beauty sleep of two celebrities? ---------------------------------------------------- Women can do a much better Black Country accent than men. Because the female of the species is more Dudley than the male. ---------------------------------------------------- >> Big Questions << What people want to know this week Could it be true that the "world famous actor" with an injunction isn't quite as famous as all that and actually had to explain to the hooker who he was, as he was annoyed she didn't recognise him. A fact he probably rather regrets now... ---------------------------------------------------- My new neighbour is half-American and half-Iraqi. He's his own worst enemy ---------------------------------------------------- >> Dermot-itis << X-Factor host dresses unsuitably JC writes: "In the role of best man, I accompanied my friend to get measured for his bespoke wedding suit at a Savile Row tailors. Obviously not being the types to often buy fine garments, the tailor took the time to explain the fit and construction of a hand made suit. He told us, "The jacket should well fit across the shoulders, accentuating the broadness whilst maintaining a sharp line with the sleeve. Lots of people ruin the line of the sleeve when buying off-the-peg suits by choosing a jacket that tries to make their shoulders look as broad as possible - just like Dermot O'Leary." ---------------------------------------------------- I used to do a bad impression of Eric Morecambe, but now I've seen the error of my waheys. ---------------------------------------------------- ****************************************************** *** A "Crap Celeb Run-ins" Special *** Your finest moments with the rich and famous >> Frosty manner << Sadie's sassy party-talk Hammo writes "10 or so years ago, I was at an aftershow party (Supergrass's, I think) in a small basement club in Soho. There was only one cubicle and so, for obvious reasons, the queue was always long. In front of me was Sadie Frost. As she went into the cubicle, she turned round to me and said, 'I hope you piss your pants'." ---------------------------------------------------- heavycola writes: "Heston Blumenthal asked me the way to the toilets once at a foodie event in UCL. I didn’t know, and told him as much." ---------------------------------------------------- >> Brad sportsman << The club's most capped player Fluff writes: "I played for a local football team with Bradley from S Club between 2005 - 2008. He stopped playing with us to concentrate on the ill fated re-launch of the band. Whilst not a bad player, I was one of the only co-players to recognise him when he joined the team despite the fact he wore his trademark baseball cap in every game, which prevented him from heading the ball even when really he should have. He used to do that back flip every time he scored." ---------------------------------------------------- johnjohn writes: "I shared a lift with Tim Robbins in a hotel in LA once. He stared at the numbers all the way down." ---------------------------------------------------- >> Hit and Lum << Joanna turns out to be nice YF writes: "Joanna Lumley ran into the back of my car (with her car, I mean) and managed to do some damage to the bumper. She was very nice and calm and offered to pay something on the spot. As I preferred to get the job priced first, she gave me her address. When I sent her the bill, she paid up by cheque. Not very rock ‘n’ roll, but very considerate." ---------------------------------------------------- SM writes: "I once saw Chris Noth on Picadilly and said 'Oh my God, it's Big!' loudly. He smiled very pleasantly as we walked past." ---------------------------------------------------- >> Gone, not forgotten << RIP: the late, quite great Poly Styrene bathwithkirsty writes: "I served Poly Styrene a cream tea at a hotel in Farnham in 1991. Her credit card was in her stage name which I found confusing. I had no idea who she was but she tipped well and was very smiley so this is very sad news." ---------------------------------------------------- Cher's American Express card is also in her stage name. It reads, simply, "Cher". ---------------------------------------------------- *** Crap Celeb Run-ins run out *** ****************************************************** >> Sticks and stones << Perhaps drummers get the last laugh Q: What do you call a drummer with half a brain? A: Gifted. Everyone knows a drummer jokes. It's difficult to spend more than a couple of hours with music industry execs without being told one. ("Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school? Me neither" etc.) But this all has to change, if the New Yorker are to be believed. There's a brilliant article on time, and how drummers' brains are actually better than everyone else's when it comes to timing. Brian Eno told a story about U2 drummer, Larry Mullen. When he was producing All That You Can't Leave Behind Eno gave Mullen a click track (computer generated beat) to play drums over, as a way of keeping everything in synch. Mullen swore the click track wasn't right, and refused to play over it. Eventually Eno adjusted it - but just to humour the drummer, as he knew it couldn't be at fault. Except he later found Mullen was right. The click was off - by six milliseconds! "The thing is," said Eno, "when we were adjusting it I once had it two milliseconds to the wrong side of the beat, and he said, 'No, you’ve got to come back a bit.' Which I think is absolutely staggering." Read the full article - loads more on drummers, plus it also helps explain why time really does seem to speed up as you get older: http://nyr.kr/eGCLwL ---------------------------------------------------- My mother always taught me to make little things count. So now I teach maths to dwarfs. ---------------------------------------------------- >> Arm-ageddon it << Very niche advertising Do you have one arm, dislike smoking dope, drum and love Def Leppard? Pyromania - the hottest Def Leppard tribute act in Dallas no less - are looking for you! To be their Rick Allen. Their brilliant ad for their Def Leapard (Sic) tribute act also requires you to have no prosthetics, flame-retardant kit and, remember, "If your wired, your fired!" Fancy it? Apply: http://bit.ly/eX7uVl -------------------------------------------------- Imogen Thomas is an anagram of "Monogamist, eh?" -------------------------------------------------- >> Things that make you go hmmm << NKOTB, Backstreet Boys and Hanson! Someone, please, give this man a job: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0oHhD3Bk9Uc New Kids On The Block and Backstreet Boys join forces to limp through a few hits as NKOTBSB: http://bit.ly/hJGrw5 Whereas Hanson sound better than ever: http://bit.ly/gdP7nn Eurovision gets properly going this weekend. The money is all for Azerbaijan, UK and France at the moment. What are you on? http://bit.ly/fHO643 Want to remix a Howard Jones classic? http://www.reworkhowardjones.info How could this robber possibly have been identified? http://bit.ly/jVvjlm Come and see us at the Camden Crawl. We're hosting a quiz this Sunday. There's prizes, accordion R'n'B and lots more: http://bit.ly/jaslrv >> End Bit << Stuff about Popbitch * Email stories, gossip: hello@popbitch.com * Subscribe or unsubscribe here: http://www.popbitch.com * Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd. * Mail by aysabtu ************************************************** Thanks to: CL, NM, ARO, ulysses, deep_stoat Jokes: For more like these follow @jacques_aih and thanks also to posh_duckhunter, GA ************************************************** Old Jokes Home: Didn't help myself in court yesterday. I was arrested for child porn charges and the Judge said, "How does 5-6 years sound?" I said, "Sexy." Still Bored? Create reams of hackers' code by randomly smashing your keyboard - just like in the movies! http://hackertyper.net/
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