Things we can tell you we can’t tell you

**************************************************** Family Guy presents the world's sickest jokes: **************************************************** "The hair has seen better days" - Brian May ---------------------------------------------------- POPBITCH _ _ _ _ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ | '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ | |_) | (_) | […]


Family Guy presents the world's sickest jokes:

"The hair has seen better days" - Brian May
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|_|         |_|  06.05.11 ISSUE 544

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* Osama Bin Laden's fun brother
* What we can tell you we can't tell you
* Charts: LMFAO are still number one

        >> Simply Bored << 
        Hucknall wants to be alone

    Mick Hucknall was performing at a
    fundraising dinner at Nobu on Park
    Lane this week, entertaining the
    wealthy and powerful in aid of the
    Japanese tsunami. Mick's charity didn't 
    extend to his fellow guests as when 
    someone was sent to ask Mick to come and
    have a photo with head chef Nobu Matsuhisa, 
    Eliza Doolittle and Beverly Knight, he said
    no and offered up no other reason than
    he just didn't want to. Which, we have to
    admit, has given us a new grudging respect
    for the Hucknall.

Robert Pattinson doesn't seem to like washing 
his hair unless he is filming. We're told it often 
has an "odd smell and strange green sheen".

        >> Battle of Benghazi <<
        Another kind of war in Libya

    Libya is a battleground for more than just
    anti-Gaddafi rebels and NATO. It's proving
    divisive for the rolling news channels too.
    Sky News' Kay Burley was to present live 
    from Benghazi for Live At Five, until she
    realised that, as it was Jeremy Thompson's
    show, he would be doing the first report.
    Still, reporting live from one of the 
    most newsworthy towns on earth must have
    been a thrill for Burley? Um, not as such.
    "I don't do second openers" were the star
    presenter's final words on the subject.

Upgrade to a festival with a difference. From 
Human League to Howard Marks; Fenech-Soler to 
Robin Ince. The Magic Loungeabout - the 
hottest thing in Yorkshire this summer:

        >> Big Questions <<
        What people want to know this week

    Which children's TV presenter made
    quite an impression at a Northern Ireland
    awards ceremony by getting drunk and shouting
    out to all and sundry that they needed 
    cocaine? Patsy Kensit ended up telling them
    to pipe down. Imagine the shame -  told off
    by Patsy Kensit!

Female porcupines have been observed using wooden 
sticks as dildoes.

        >> Private lives <<
        What we can tell you we can't tell you

    Talking about superinjunctions (ie things we
    can't tell you that we can't tell you) seems 
    to be flavour of the month at the moment. We had 
    a count up this week and reckon there are at 
    least 35 stories we cant tell you that
    we cant tell you.

    So we went back and looked at some of the
    non-injuncted legal notices - at least these
    are things we CAN tell you we can't tell you. 

    Here are some of the incredibly private
    things that celebrities' lawyers won't let 
    you know see or read about:

    * Photographs of Jonathan Ross playing
    tennis with David Baddiel
    * Photographs of Andy Carroll eating 
    in Liverpool restaurants
    * Bryan Adams doesn't want photographers
    taking pictures of his baby mama
    * Speculation about Rihanna's sex life. Yep, 
    the same Rihanna who has called her album S&M, 
    thinks Megan Fox is "yummy", posed topless 
    on GQ, told a US radio station "If you don't
    send your boyfriend naked pictures, then I
    feel bad for him", and hinted to the News
    Of The World that she liked masturbation.

Goalkeeper Manuel Neuer says that Shalke players
like heavy metal. "No-one listens to Lady Gaga
on the team bus".

        >> Graffiti of the week <<
        Probably not about to topple Banksy 
    Hopefully inspired by the Royal Wedding is 
    something sprayed on the ground in the main
    car-park in Wells. Alongside a vivid picture
    of an ejaculating penis is this fantastically
    specific sentence: "Harry loves cock
    in his anal gland". 

FYI: It's in the big car-park near the church, 
where Adam Buxton got decapitated in Hot Fuzz. 
Send us a photo and we'll send a thank you prize:

It takes a force of 210.9kg/sq metre to crack open
a Macadamia nut.

        >> Bin Laden the playboy <<
        Bet Osama never sang at parties
    Osama the anti-Christ? Well, he did have 
    a brother called Salem. Osama had over 50
    Bin Laden siblings. Salem was the patriarch. 
    And if all the brothers took after Salem
    the world would be rather a different place:

    * Salem once paid a bandleader at an
    Oscars party in LA to let him
    sing House of the Rising Sun in seven 
    * When he first tasted Tabasco sauce he
    liked it so much he had 5000 cases
    shipped to Saudi Arabia.
    * Said he wanted to marry four Western 
    women - an American, A Brit, a French and
    a German, so he could fly all these 
    flags from his houses.
    * Used to organise parties and get in 
    the hookers for Saudi ruling princes.
    * Salem died in a plane crash in Texas, 
    home of the Bush clan.

FYI: Since 9/11 a member of the Bin Laden family
attempted to trade-mark the family name to brand 
a collection of expensive sunglasses and watches. 
It hasn't gone that well. 

FYI 2: So how did WWE Extreme Rules announce 
Osama's death? How do you think! 

FYI 3: There's a great book on the Bin Ladens: 

An anagram of Osama Bin Laden is... Abandons Email.

        >> Doctor Hugh <<
        The mysterious side of Downton star
    Downton Abbey's Hugh Bonneville guest stars
    in Doctor Who this week. He says he's been 
    badgering them for years to be in it. It 
    sounds like a good episode.

    Bonneville says "It's actually rather 
    mysterious and dark and ultimately a rather
    touching story... while all this weird 
    stuff is going on with a nasty spooky
    Siren" (played by Lily Cole).

    Let's hope wholesome Hugh enjoys the 
    association with a tabloid-friendly 
    Siren for once.

Osama's favourite TV show when he was 
growing up was Bonanza.

        >> Eurovision is here  <<
        A quick guide to 2011 - part 1

    This year's Eurovision is finally upon us.
    There's a fair few good entries this year - 
    it's a difficult one to predict. Here's
    a guide to the big western European contenders:
    * France - have sent a cross between Hanson
    and Russell Watson. Big favourite and 
    could walk it if people take to opera.
    * Italy - first entry since 1997 and they
    seem to have sent their Jamie Cullum. Sings 
    with his eyes shut though - will lose him votes.
    * Denmark - catchy and anthemic pop. Will 
    lose the bookies a load of money if it wins.
    (including to us as we took a punt
    when it was stupidly long odds.)
    * Norway - would have been the perfect 
    World Cup theme one-hit wonder
    * Germany - Lovely Lena is back to defend her 
    crown. Love the song but no-one has 
    ever done the double.


Think you've seen a winner? Bet here:

FYI: Don't back Hungary (or so our spy says after 
watching her performance)
FYI 2: Semi Final betting: Azerbaijan - big favourites
to win SF1 - Russia, Norway or Turkey could spring
a surprise... 
FYI 3: Dana International is back for Israel.
Shame the song's dull but at least it gives
us the chance to tell our favourite fact about
her - Dana's brother is called Nimrod.

Want to win $500 in our special Eurovision poker 
tournament? The slightly mad Big Carlos of 
@BetfairPoker fame is hoping to win the competition 
with his entry for Transnistria 
He’s been practicing in the mirror for weeks and 
he's ready for the Eurovision Song Contest. Come 
give him a hand - all you have to do is have a look 
in the lobby, look for Eurovision 
tournament and use the password "Popbitch". 
Registration is open until 15 mins before the 
tournament which starts at 18.00 on 7th May.

        >> Purple patch <<
        Back to school with Blue

    Blue arrive in Dusseldorf today. A 
    thousand European journalists keen for 
    good copy start cheering. We even loved
    this interview they did for a new children's
    TV channel, KidsCo. 

    Antony: I loved school, I really enjoyed
    school from a young age 
    Simon: Were you a swot? 
    Antony: No I wasn't a swot, I just loved school.

    Then the boys talk about which artists they'd
    like to work with:
    Duncan: Blue & Pink - that would work 
    Simon: Get it - two colours! What does Blue
    and Pink make when you put it together? 
    Antony: Is it purple?

    Come on Antony, who are you trying to kid.
    You ARE a swot!

See the animated version of Blue on cartoon 
Boo & Me:

P.S. We're interviewing Blue in Dusseldorf on
Monday - if there's any question you've always
wanted to ask them, email

Blue have adopted an orangutan. He's called Blue.

        >> Pyromania 2 <<
        Do it like a duke

S writes:
    "Interesting that the Def Leppard tribute 
    act don't want a pot smoker. I was on a Def
    Leppard bus once and sat opposite
    Rick Allen. There were fags, Rizlas and 
    a nice chunk of hash on the table in front
    of me. Part of me wanted to ask if he'd 
    like one rolled up, but the evil part of 
    my brain wanted to see if he could skin 
    up one handed, John Wayne style. We sat and
    chatted a while and I waited to see how it
    would go down, but he never made a move."

Ruby Wax charges more than twice as much as 
Sandu Toksvig for after-dinner chat. You can 
get Vaness Feltz for a fraction of the cost.

        >> Things that make you go hmmm <<
        Weird Films, Jim Corr, Sonic the Gaga
    The future: 

    Samsung decide to promote their new 
    camera with a goat. And why not: 

    Some of the weirder films to look
    out for this year/ Inc Dinoshark and
    Norwegian Ninja: 

    Come on, you know you want to go see
    Jim Corr do a talk:

    Duran Duran once got their lawyers on us for
    reporting that some of their fans had given
    us bad reviews of one of their gigs, but 
    maybe it's worse in Russia. Music critic 
    Artemy Troitsky is going on trial for 
    insulting a rock guitarist: 
    Sonic The Hedgehog meets Lady Gaga. Brilliant: 

    Does your dog need a parachute?

After possibly our favourite Popbitch Popquiz yet 
at Camden Crawl, we now bring it to West London!
So it's Soho, first Tuesday of month (The Player) 
AND now Portobello Rd, first Wed of month 
at Trailer Happiness!
730pm, stupid round like guess the R&B tune on the 
accordion plus fashion show in front of the Queen, 
silly prizes, nice company and great drinks. Come!
Email for table, and say if you want 
Player Tuesday or Trailer Wednesday

    >> End Bit <<
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Thanks to: CL, posh_duckhunter, MM, TM, LB, PR
danceswithmustelids, aristocat, DM, GA, monstris

Old Jokes Home:
Q: What's big, black and steals 
your credit cards?
A: Sony Playstation 3.

Still Bored?
The Sunday Sport is back this weekend:
They say you can expect to see "a topless 
51-stone woman who yearns to be 60-stones, a 
Royal porn scandal and a Premier League footballer 
who paid a hooker £5,000 to poo on his chest".

Fancy Another?


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