A Passion For Otters

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|_|         |_|  22.12.11 ISSUE 575

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* A review of the year
* Your answers to our 2011 survey
* Charts: Military Wives are number one

        >> Happy Xmas <<
        An odd review of 2011
    A reason to actually like one of the most 
    high-profile men of the year:

    At a recent party, choc full of celebrities,
    in amongst the guests was Rupert Everett. 
    As many magazines have pointed out this 
    year, he has had some work done on his face.
    Everyone at the party chatted happily to
    him, but when Hugh Grant came over to say
    hello he shook Rupert's hand quite formally.
    People thought something must have happened
    between them, or that they had fallen out.
    But halfway through eating Hugh bursts out,
    "F**K ME! IT'S RUPERT!" He'd only just
    recognised his friend.

Popbitch's man of the year: Dr Who, Matt 
Smith. He told the Evening Standard last
week that he has a "passion for otters".

Forget the 27 club - Dictators of the world
have a 69 club... Trujillo, Saddam, Kim Jong-Il
and Col Gadaffi are all members.

       >> Lothario of the Year <<
       More celebrity chat-up techniques

    Smooth by name, smooth by nature,
    Robert Kilroy-Silk is this year's 
    favourite silver-tongued seducer.
    His technique is disarmingly simple.
    What you need to look out for is this:
    First he will saunter over to your desk,
    sort of lean forward a bit, stick his
    bum out a touch and then ask you what
    you're doing with your weekend.
Runner-up: Paul McMullan - who, for years
after leaving NOTW, would drunkenly email
poetry to Rebekah Brooks.

***************** Survey 2011 ******************
Q: A film you liked?
Bridesmaids, Drive, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy,
Harry Potter, The Inbetweeners.

        >> Advert of the Year <<
        How we all learned to smash it

    Even eleven months later, the idea of
    Richard Keys grottily asking Jamie
    Redknapp if he "smashed it" still sends
    a shiver down our spine. Though Jamie
    politely chuckled it off at the time,
    like you would a sexist old uncle, the
    words obviously got as stuck in his head
    as they did in ours. 

    It was just unfortunate timing that
    when the Sky Sports sexism story broke,
    Nintendo Wii had released an advert 
    starring Redknapp - in which he is heard
    encouraging his son to smash it...


Runner-up: Ryan Giggs and his claim of 
"I support Brothers For Life"

***************** Survey 2011 ******************
Q: A shadow cabinet member not Ed Miliband?
Ed Balls, Harriet Harmon, Yvette Cooper,
David Miliband (er...), Pass.

        >> Big Questions <<
        What people are asking this week

    Which TV natural world presenter
    called an Indonesian national park to 
    arrange a visit, but surprised staff there
    as his main question was what wildlife 
    would be be able to eat?

***************** Survey 2011 ******************
Q: Best single?
Maroon 5 -  Moves Like Jagger, Adele - Rolling
In The Deep, Lana Del Rey - Video Games, Nicki 
Minaj - Superbass, Florence ATM - Shake It Out.

        >> Interview of the year <<
        An indelible image for the mind

    Whether it was expert technique on the
    part of the interviewer, or just verbal
    diarrhoea on the part of Will.i.am, this
    piece in Elle was dynamite. In it he
    talks about the role his mother played in
    his masturbatory habits, his views on
    girls keeping condoms in the house and,
    best of all, why he'd never date a girl
    who only used regular, dry toilet paper.

    "Get some chocolate, wipe it on a wooden
    floor, and then try to get it up with some
    dry towels. You're going to get chocolate
    in the cracks. That's why you gotta get them
    baby wipes."

Read the full interview:

***************** Survey 2011 ******************
Q: Worst single?
Cher Lloyd - Swagger Jagger, Matt Cardle - Run 
For Your Life, Lady Gaga - Born This Way,
Bruno Mars - Lazy Song, Ed Sheeran - A Team

        >> Wedding Of The Year <<
        Still waiting for X Factor wedding

    Forget William and Kate. The real match
    made in heaven in 2011 was Masterchef's
    Gregg Wallace and Heidi Brown. Gregg
    apparently likes his ladies to dress
    up in school uniform, and then get them
    over his knee for a good spanking.
    So he must have thanked his lucky stars
    when Heidi - a schoolteacher, 17 years
    his junior - signed on to be his wife.
Runner-up: Simon Cowell and Mezhgan Hussainy.
Oh, wait...

Runner-up 2: George W Bush's niece, Lauren,
marrying the son of designer Ralph Lauren.
Making her Lauren Lauren.

Unleash your inner 'Peeping Tom' and surveil
the bedrooms of Dubai's Burj Al Arab with
Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol's 
rather natty 'Deep Zoom'

        >> Creepiest Child of the Year <<
        Cutie Patootie is back with more!

    Eden Wood, child beauty queen and star
    of Tiaras and Tantrums, is really quite
    something. A primary school Daphne and
    Celeste, her songs talk about shaking her
    booty, starting a family with Justin Bieber
    and comparing herself to Oprah Winfrey.
    Eden is six.

    Weirdly, her mother thought it would be a
    good idea to post a picture of Eden of
    Facebook, wearing a Hitler moustache. 


Runners-up: The North Korean Minipops and their
synchronised guitar playing. Amazing.
***************** Survey 2011 ******************
Q: Celebrities/Stars you liked?
Ryan Gosling, Foster The People, Hugh Grant.


        >> Sign Of The Year <<
        Endemol's bog sign beats Guardian's

    A "polite notice" found in the toilets
    of the Endemol offices:

    "To whom it may concern. Stop pissing
    all over the lavatory like a fucking
    animal. What is wrong with your penis?
    Is it a corkscrew? Does it flick around
    like a hosepipe? Here's an idea - try
    pointing it even vaguely towards the
    water. You might enjoy the tinkly sound.
    Give it a shot. Go on. You fucking animal."


Runner-up: Pyromania - a Def Leppard tribute
act - looking for a one-armed drummer:

***************** Survey 2011 ******************
Q: Celebrities/Stars who bored you?
Katie Price, The Kardashians, Cheryl Cole.

       >> Name of the year <<
       Nominative determinism in politics
   Kentucky's aptly-named Commissioner of
   Agriculture - Richie Farmer - recently
   left his post in order to run for
   Lieutenant Governor. The people of
   Kentucky didn't mess about when it
   came to finding his replacement, but
   who did they vote in? The unrelated-
   but-similarly-named Bob Farmer who stood
   for the position? No. They voted in someone
   whose name isn't even remotely appropriate.
   They've gone with some Republican called
   James Comer.

   Boo, Kentucky! Boo!

Read more: http://bit.ly/uLEwdk

***************** Survey 2011 ******************
Q: Things and stories you liked?
Phone hacking/NOTW, X Factor, Superinjunction

        >> A star for 2012 <<
        Looking forward to OK! and Hello

    We had no idea who he was until we
    picked up OK! last week but Mark-Francis
    Vandelli is probably now our new
    favourite person.

    Not only does his occupation appear 
    to be "international jet-setter" but
    he is, according to his own words, a
    "very private person". So private that
    he held an interview and photoshoot in
    his "Chelsea pad" this week with a
    pornographer's magazine.

    You're surely thinking that alone
    could not have been enough to win
    our hearts. And it wasn't. But this
    Q&A did it:

    Q: We thought you must live in hotels
    being such a jet setter
    A: God, no. I hate hotels! I hate that
    other people have slept in a bed, and
    I can't walk on communal carpet barefoot"

Runner-up: Rohit, Dubai's premier rapper.

***************** Survey 2011 ******************
Q: Things and stories that bored you?
X Factor, TOWIE, The Royal Wedding.

        >> Things that make you go hmmm <<
        Frog attacks, memorial lamps, Xmas hits

    The Amy Winehouse lamp:

    Some beautiful gift ideas from Miss 
    Foo Foo Von Ladygarden's Fabulous

    Inspiration at the zoo:

    Who'd have thought a frog attack could
    be so cute?

    In the midst of reality TV and re-release
    overload, it's nice to see something new
    and fresh in the Xmas Number One midweeks,
    Alex Day's amateur but catchy tune:

    Does T-Pain sleep in a coffin?

    Crap celebrity run-ins:

    The best tribute to Kim Jong-Il:

    Samsung ESPN Project Teamworks

    Probably our link of the year -
    it's still brilliant. Star Wars
    meets Withnail and I:

        >> Stuff about Popbitch <<

* Email us stories, gossip, otter pics:

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* Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd.

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Thanks to: Everyone who sent us stories,
corrections, suggestions, jokes, booze
and everything. Christopher Hutcheson 
and Schillings for giving us the chance to 
spend so much time in the Court of Appeal,
and all of you for reading this.
+ impfond, TM, G, NS, SS, ulysses,
neville_bartos, deep_stoat

Old Jokes Home
Good news for narcoleptics... 
only 200 sleeps 'til Xmas.

Still Bored?
It would have been Falco's birthday this week:

Fancy Another?

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