Written by: gary ogden
So, The Thing is out on DVD on 26th March. Not the original John Carpenter one obviously, the new one. With the same name. The one that’s actually just a remake even though everyone said it was a prequel. Ok I suppose it is a prequel. But it’s still a remake. It’s just set before the first one. Well it’s set before the first remake, not the Howard Hawks one. It’s a prequel remake of the first remake. Or something.
Anyway, either way it’s quite good – not as good as the first remake, but still good. The main reason being it’s full of really gory and inventive transformations – so as a celebration of all the really gory and inventive transformations in it, I thought I’d pull together a list of other really gory and inventive transformations.
Now I know you’ll expect to be seeing films like An American Werewolf In London and The Thing (the original remake) in this list, but I thought it would be far more interesting if I compiled a group of transformations from films you might not have seen, or even heard of. That’s much more fun isn’t it?
In no particular order, let’s go:
[There will be spoilers ahead, but let's face it, you're probably never going to watch any of these films anyway]
10. Curse 2: The Bite – This one is about a bloke who gets bitten by a half-dog-half-snake (this makes complete sense when in context) and finds that soon enough, his hand has started turning into a snake. Obviously, being an average American Joe, he hates it when that happens and he goes off on a cross country trip to try and find an antidote. But unfortunately, this happens instead:
9. The Stuff – So if Curse 2: The Bite didn’t sound ludicrous enough – The Stuff is about a dessert that kills people. It looks a bit like that Marshmallow ‘Fluff’ spread, only supposedly it’s calorie free – sounds too good to be true doesn’t it? Well that’s because it is; one minute you’re eating ‘the stuff’ with a big smile on your greedy face, the next minute your fucking head is melting from the inside out and you’ve pooed yourself and everything. A bit like this:
8. The Beast Within – This is one of those ‘pregnant-with-a-monster’ kind of films – you know, like Knocked Up, or Juno. In this particular case, the child ends up going on a mental killing rampage before throwing an absolute screaming wobbly on his bed and turning into some sort of aggressively-foreheaded alien bastard:
7. Peacock King – Here’s an interesting one, a martial arts film complete with a head-splitting, neck-stretching, leg-breaking, skin-splitting, jumper-ruining mutation? That’s the Peacock King, a film about two monks that go off on a trip to fight some giant demon monster or something. Who knows? IT’S ALL IN A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE!
The transformation starts at about 2:20
6. Doppelganger – If you ever wanted to know what Drew Barrymore was doing in the early ’90s but your VHS copy of Poison Ivy keeps skipping in all the good bits, then why not try Doppelganger? It follows Drew as she relocates to LA after a murder trial, only it appears she’s being followed by her evil twin. Oh and then she twists her arms and legs around and spins into some sort of giant cocoon and everyone freaks the shit out:
5. Faust: Love of the Damned – This might be one to trick your girlfriend into watching – “It’s based on a classic opera,” you can say – just make sure you leave out the part about the bloke in a devil suit and Wolverine claws running about cutting people’s faces off. That might put her off. And definitely don’t tell her about the scene where a woman transforms into nothing but a face, breasts and arse:
4. The Guyver – This one is based on a manga about some bloke with a special suit of armour that flies out of his back whenever he decides he wants to fight some giant bugs. It’s pretty terrible to be honest (the sequel is much, much better), but saying that, not many films have Mark Hamill turning into a giant beetle do they? They should do though. I’d watch Mark Hamill films if they did.
3. Arachnid – You could say that this was like Lost with spiders. Well, there’s a plane crash in it anyway. Apart from that I’m not sure what else to say because I haven’t seen it, but if the following clip is any reflection of the film as a whole, it looks sodding hilarious:
2. Masters of Horror: Sick Girl – While we’re on the subject of bugs, here’s another insect transformation. And a lesbian one at that. Lesbian insect transformations are always better. And in the case of this particular YouTube clip (it was the only one I could find), it’s a German lesbian insect transformation. All you need in a movie really, isn’t it?
Transformation starts at about 2:10
1. Spawn – This is probably the most well-known film on the list, but I’m always surprised as to how many people that I meet haven’t seen it. Yes I ask every person I meet if they’ve seen Spawn, what of it? It’s a great chat-up line. If it doesn’t work, I normally come-back with “Yeah well you look like Violator anyway.” What does Violator look like? Take a look below:
Transformation starts at about 2:00
(Bonus Transformation) Maniac – Ok, this one isn’t exactly gory or inventive, but it most certainly is fucking brilliant in almost every other possible way:
So that’s that, all that’s left to say is AUTOBOTS! TRANSFORM AND ROLL OUT!
Or something along those lines…
Posted in Film & TV, Z Post |