Scat Out Of Hell

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"It is better to be a dictator
than gay - Alexander Lukashenko

"There is no way in the world that a vacuum
cleaner will ever be obsolete" -  John Torode
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|_|         |_|  08.03.12 ISSUE 585

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Send us stories - email: hello@popbitch.com
* Famke Janssen's stink eye
* Strip poker with Bedders
* Charts: Gotye is still number one
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        >> Scat out of hell <<
        Did toilet troubles fell Loaf?

    Meat Loaf caused a few rumours to
    circulate about his health last week
    after he was struck down with a
    mystery illness just moments before
    he was due to do a live interview
    on Loose Women.

    The 'undisclosed condition' that
    forced him to cancel last minute?
    Someone on the show said that
    he shat himself.

    FYI This is how he looked prior
    to the incident. Note the banana...
http://bit.ly/wYGoaJ

NEXT WEEK: Jean-Claude Van Damme.

------------------------------------------------
Chris Moyles spotted at Third Space medical
centre this week. They do have London's best
colonic hydrotherapist. Maybe he's finally
realised he is full of shit?
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        >> Daniel's date night <<
        You won't shoot blanks with Bedders

    Daniel Bedingfield has always been
    one of music's great innovators,
    so of course he was going to be one
    of the first to jump aboard the
    new pledge funding business model -
    and the list of things he's prepared
    to do in exchange for your money is,
    frankly, incredible.

    For $500 he will take you to a gun
    range, $750 will get you a date with
    him. For $1,000 you can buy into a
    game of strip poker with Daniel and
    his friends. But, perhaps best of
    all, for just $75, Daniel Bedingfield
    - UK garage legend and third greatest
    beat-boxer in the world - will get out
    his sewing machine and tailor you a
    shirt.

Snap 'em up:
http://bit.ly/xpUFRd

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Steve Van Zandt (Silvio) was David Chase's
original choice to play Tony Soprano.
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        >> Big Questions <<
        What people are asking this week

    Though they weren't surprised by news of
    his affairs (his wife is a notoriously
    difficult woman) bandmates and crew
    of which pop star were gobsmacked
    by the fact that he was caught playing away
    with ladies, and not the gender they were
    sure he was into?

------------------------------------------------
New research in CFA magazine says that 1 in 10
Wall St bankers is a psychopath. In the
general population it is just 1 in 100.
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************* Cheltenham 2012 ******************

        >> It's the Kauto show <<
        Fingers crossed for Friday

    It's Cheltenham Gold Cup day next Friday.
    Last year the race was billed as the final
    chapter in the story of Denman and Kauto
    Star, likened to the last days of
    football's elder statesmen, Scholes and
    Giggs, that we thought we were witnessing.

    Well, Denman has retired, but that's the
    only bit we got right. Giggs turned out to
    be at it like a teenager, Scholes returned
    to the Man Utd team after about five
    minutes and Kauto Star suddenly became a
    12 year old world beater, hammering last
    year's Gold Cup winner, Long Run, in two
    big races this season.

    But Kauto Star fell at home and now might
    miss his - probable - final Gold Cup.
    Tomorrow he goes on some very public exercise
    at Wincanton to see if he's OK. Yet still
    we wouldn't bet against him in the Gold Cup.
    Or even Paul Scholes scoring in the
    Euros this summer.

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        >> Straight-laced scandal <<
        Quokka shokka a thing of the past    

    One thing you could always rely on
    the Australians for was a decent
    political scandal. It was only a
    few years ago that Troy Buswell
    admitted to sniffing the seats of
    female party members and snapping
    their bra straps for sport. Even
    the stories about him indecently
    handling quokkas (cute little
    marsupials) were well circulated.

    So we're hoping that the rumour
    we've heard about an Australian
    cabinet member getting someone on
    his staff pregnant (and in consequence
    driving away another wife) 
    isn't true - if only because it's just so
    bloody pedestrian...

------------------------------------------------
The chairman of South Australia's wine
grape council is called... Simon Berry.
------------------------------------------------

        >> Spel on the sidelines <<
        Rugby star in doping ban

    Caroline Spelman MP lost a bid to injunct
    the Daily Star Sunday's story of her 17
    year-old son being banned from sport
    for doping violations.

    Her explanation about what poor little
    Jonny did certainly cast him in a
    sympathetic light: "Our son, who was
    then 16, was injured in ­September 2011
    and took some widely-­available drugs
    in order to aid his recovery".

    Someone's gathered up some photos of
    Jonny Spelman so you can see how ridiculous
    the idea that he might have been taking
    steroids for anything other than medical
    necessity is. Oh, wait...

See:
http://bit.ly/wgUgNi

Full story:
http://bit.ly/wBrFfj

------------------------------------------------
Shaquille O'Neal is just finishing his PhD in
education at Barry University, Miami.
------------------------------------------------

        >> Dog Trek <<
        Wesley Crusher no fan of Famke

    A few months back a reader wrote in
    to tell us that Famke Janssen was an
    incredibly rude and unpleasant person,
    who would hold doors open for her dog
    but not for fellow human beings.

    Looks like this wasn't an isolated
    incident. Wil Weaton took to Twitter
    to relate this little tale:

    "A cute dog sniffed me at LAX, so I
    pet it and said "OH HI POOCH!" Its
    owner gave me the stink eye. Turns
    out the owner was Famke Janssen."

------------------------------------------------
Turns out that beer is one of life's essentials.
A Lithuanian court ruled that brewing Carlsberg
is a "vitally essential" activity.
------------------------------------------------

        >> Making Hayes <<
        Louis's formula for success

    Irish singer-songwriter Gemma Hayes has
    said she was approached by Louis Walsh
    about working with her. She claimed there
    were a couple of conditions:

    1/ She had to stop writing her own songs.
    2/ She had to date a celebrity.

    She said no.

------------------------------------------------
Although he gave his permission for use,
Morgan Freeman doesn't find those More Than
Freeman adverts very funny.
------------------------------------------------

        >> Norman's conquests? <<
        And what the butler said

    Obituarial nostalgia for Lord St John-
    Stevas suggests the smug old Tory was
    just "a bit of a character". Those who
    came across him remembered him
    more as a horrific snob.

    At Emmanuel College, Cambridge - where
    he was Master - he was remembered for
    lavishing money and attention on small
    groups of very pretty male undergraduates
    while ignoring the rest of the college.
    When a couple of his favoured boys got
    in trouble with college authorities he
    brazenly paid their fines for them.

    And a journalist tells us of the time
    they rang him to ask if it were true that
    he collected Queen Victoria's underwear.
    Stevas picked up the phone pretending to
    be the butler, and then went and got
    himself... because of course he
    wouldn't have wanted anyone to think he
    was the kind of person who answered
    his own telephone.

------------------------------------------------
The only person Adele got star-struck by over at
the Brits? Mark Wright. From TOWIE.
------------------------------------------------

        >> Oh Kay <<
        Reporters stay out of the Sun

    Two people arrested in a blaze of publicity,
    then go on to try to commit suicide, one
    very publicly... sounds like the perfect
    story for The Sun? Not when the people
    involved were their journalists and
    the arrests occurred as part of
    Operation Elveden, it isn't.

    So it's unlikely you'll read a word about
    Virginia Wheeler's recovery in the Priory
    or that chief reporter, John Kay had
    to be talked down from Blackfriars Bridge
    by the police.

    That said, maybe the paper thinks it simply
    isn't news. This is, after all, Mr Kay's
    seventh unsuccessful attempt (at least) -
    six of which happened shortly after he
    killed his wife in the 1970s. 

    We do hope Elveden has got the wrong man,
    as Kay seems like the last person who
    should have been put in the stressful
    position of handling sensitive crime
    information from the police.

FYI: Another paper not to mention the story is
the Guardian. Which is a little odd as they
have been such excellent chroniclers
of everything related to this investigation.

------------------------------------------------
Speculation on Fleet St has reached fever pitch
this week that Kate's done her duty, and that a
royal baby announcement isn't too far away.
------------------------------------------------

        >> Eurovisionbits <<
        Dynasty kingdom in Eurovision shock

    It's the time of year when newspapers
    like to talk out of their arses about
    Eurovision. The Telegraph this weekend
    showed the extent of their knowledge of
    the contest - and Europe itself - by
    writing about the UK entry being
    up against "troupes of strobe-lit
    Moldavians".

    We wish Moldavia were indeed taking part.
    The country which hosted the infamous
    Dynasty wedding massacre would have
    surely put on a much more interesting
    show than a real European country,
    like Moldova, who every year decline
    to enter our favourite paedo-popster
    Sasha "I Love The Girls Of 13
    Years Old" Bognibov.

FYI: Time to tone down the next album, Sasha:
http://bit.ly/ye7iCX

FYI 2: Sweden choose their entry on Saturday.
They're already favourite for Baku because
of this track:
http://bit.ly/whjvkZ

FYI 3: "I see your Engelbert Humperdinck and
raise you..." Russia send six old grannies
to Eurovision!
http://bit.ly/zSSzfY

***********************************************
Doug Stanhope’s back in the UK, kicking off a
37 date tour this week. (You can vote on which
is the worst town in the tour - Liverpool is
currently winning http://on.fb.me/wjVsl7)
Doug is a regular on Charlie Brooker’s Wipes,
and "might be the most important stand-up
working today" according to Ricky Gervais:
http://bit.ly/StanhopeTour
***********************************************

    >> Things that make you go hmm <<
    Ancient otter, buffalo guy, RIP Toola

    The drink of the summer is here.
    Premixed turbo shandy...
http://www.itsturbotime.co.uk/

    Forget which celebrity did which
    charitable act where? Here's the
    African aid map:
http://bit.ly/yjgOMb

    Egyptian otter statue:
http://bit.ly/w4m2H6

    A car chase mash-up:
http://bit.ly/wwnyk2

    An interesting article on Google
    and what the hell is happening
    to it:
http://bit.ly/xXv06o

    Guy on a buffalo:
http://bit.ly/wcODBP

    RIP Toola the otter:
http://bit.ly/w5QbYF

    Some of your favourite photos, including
    a brilliant one of Pope JPII
http://bit.ly/x0BHyt

    "It's Egypt - but the people are too
    sodding poor to sit in a square til
    he goes" - Uganda, by someone who
    was writing about Joseph Kony before
    he trended on Twitter:
http://bit.ly/yJha31

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