Streetdance 2 3D is like white dog poo

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Because you know it’s shit but you’re still fascinated by it. Well, I suppose that only really extends to those fascinated with white dog shit in the first place, in that each new one you see still appeals to your white dog shit appreciation mechanisms. Therefore, the Streetdance 2 3D white dog shit will appeal to white dog shit connoisseurs, or even those with a passing interest/curiosity in it, but it’ll probably not draw any enthusiasm from those completely averse to white dog shit.

I’m sure at least some of you know what I’m trying to say.

Basically, I recognised that Streetdance 2 3D was rubbish but I still really liked it. Now I sound like I really like white dog shit – so just try and forget the first paragraph from now on yeah? In essence, although on the surface Streetdance 2 3D may appear uneven, clich├ęd and at times unintentionally hilarious, once you delve deeper (forget the first paragraph remember) you’ll find that there’s a heart of gold hiding inside and it’s impossible to truly dislike it. Unless of course you really, really dislike dance movies. But then you’re probably one of those soulless white dog shits haired aliens from The Village of the Damned aren’t you?

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Streetdance 2 3D starts off at a big underground dance battle, where we meet Ash, who looks like an absolute prick with his silly hat on and his striped apron. That’s because he’s selling popcorn – this is the streets, yo: can’t have an underground dance competition without popcorn. But soon enough, he’s thrown all his confectionery-attire on the floor and challenged the leading dance crew to a battle. This crew is called ‘Invincible’ by the way, because their leader is called Vince. Suppose it’s better than ‘Vince You Went Away’, or ‘Vince Valiant’, or ‘Lean Beef Vince’.

Unfortunately though, Ash comes a cropper and falls over so everyone makes fun of him. Good one Ash, you’re going to have to do something about that smug Vince and his gang of smarmy B-Boys aren’t you? I’d suggest getting a crew together and beating them at the World Championships. You could get all the best dancers from across Europe and make the best international dance crew in the world, couldn’t you? Oh you’ve already thought of that? Sorry, just trying to help. Sheesh.

So Vince and George Sampson (Sampson: I’m going to be your manager. Ash: I’ve only just met you and you’re a child, but ok) jet off around Europe to hand-pick all the greatest dancers in their respective countries – you’d be surprised how much popcorn sellers make nowadays, cross-continent trips are easy peasy. Soon enough, they’ve got a sweet crew together and it’s time to beat Vince and his silly haircut.

But not before they can recruit the mysterious and very flexible Eva, who they absolutely cannot win without because they need to DO SOMETHING THAT HASN’T BEEN DONE BEFORE and infuse classic streetdance with a Latin influence. It’s a shame they had to use Salsa as the essential ingredient, I think Carlton from The Fresh Prince would have been an even better addition.

Oh and obviously Ash wants to have sex with Eva at some point too.

 

 

From here on in it’s montage o’clock, with an absolutely blinding barrage of dance sequences that really will blow your cotton socks off. This is all anyone should care about when watching films like this, and the movie can live or die based on how good the dancing is. Luckily in Streetdance 2 3D it’s bloody brilliant – from the traditional breakdancing to the hybrid styles they’ve invented – each one is flawless, with a couple proving absolutely jaw-dropping. The stand out is an early salsa battle in a boxing ring (go with it) that really is one of the best dance sequences I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen loads of dance films. BUTIALSOLIKEFOOTBALLANDCARSANDSHAGGINGANDDRINKING. Sorry, just had to redress the balance there.

The 3D only makes these routines even better, with a number of eye-poking moves utilising the format to full effect. It proves that 3D genuinely can make certain films far more enjoyable.

So yeah, Streetdance 2 3D has its fair share of problems – professional dancers are not actors, George Sampson still wears clothes that are too big for him, none of it would ever happen in real life etc – but I enjoyed it a hell of a lot. Even if you’re watching it to laugh at it, it’s still fantastic – there’s a priceless ‘I’m in a massive stress so I’m going to go to an abandoned warehouse and fucking just dance it out like that bloke from Footloose did’ scene that had me in stitches. Failing that, just let yourself get swept up by the unpretentious enthusiasm of the whole thing and let your mind be blown by the awesome dancing on display.

To fans of dance movies, I can’t recommend it enough.

ESPECIALLY IF YOU’RE FASCINATED WITH WHITE DOG SHIT.

 

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