Hugh Grant’s Karaoke Classic

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"I knew Tulisa weren't talking to me, but
not cos she had her mouf full!!" - Dappy
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|_|         |_|  22.03.12 ISSUE 587

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* Hugh Grant's karaoke classic
* More celebrity soilings
* Charts: Katy Perry will be new number one

        >> Olympic floater <<
        Passed from ring to ring

    Enormous Olympic rings have started popping
    up in London. There's a set at St Pancras,
    another recently floated down the Thames,
    and a third set will be suspended at
    Tower Bridge.

    We're told that there's something
    special about one of the rings. Someone
    involved in their construction had a bit
    of a downer on the whole Olympics in London
    thing. So he took a shit inside one of
    the rings. And then had it welded shut.

PRFR writes: "Up north, where I currently live,
the expression for a turd left in the toilet
bowl is a 'dead otter'."

        >> Private Number <<
        Hugh swears off karaoke    

    Just in case anyone's in any doubt,
    Hugh Grant really likes his privacy.

    A bartender working at a star-studded
    charity event at the The Sanderson
    hotel was serving Grant, just as the
    celebrity karaoke session (MC'd by
    Will off Will and Grace) started up.
    The bloke stood next to Hugh at the
    bar asked him what karaoke classic
    he had up his sleeve.

    Apparently it was a little known
    number entitled "Fuck Off".

Stephen Ireland is so unpopular in his native
Cork for refusing to play for the national
team that they now call him "Stephen England".

        >> Big Questions <<
        What people are asking this week

    The S Club 7 reunion has been on the
    cards for ages, with six of them all
    raring to go but one who kept holding
    out on the rest. Which one was it?
    And what must it have taken for her
    to change her mind?

The guy who wrote the theme from Buffy also
wrote the music for that viral video Baby
Monkey Going Backwards On A Pig.

Want to fight zombies in an abandoned shopping
centre? Limited places available before the
shopping centre is demolished. Simon Pegg says:
"Oh hell yes! If you can get there, get some!"
Book now before it's too late:

        >> N-Dupez <<
        Hacks aren't the only liars

    If Lord Leveson is still reading
    Popbitch, we'd just like to reiterate
    the point about why it's not always
    useful to fact-check stories with
    celebrities or their agents.

    Monday - Tulisa's representatives:
    "This tape is 100 per cent fake
    and is just someone trying to cash
    in on her X Factor role... She is
    horrified that someone would go to
    the extreme lengths of fabricating
    a video. It is absolutely not her.
    Tulisa has categorically never
    allowed anyone to film her having

    Wednesday - Tulisa:
    "[The tape] consists of footage
    between me and an ex-boyfriend
    having an intimate moment... I
    can be honest when I say this
    isn't unexpected for me."

    Still, fair play to her. She's
    handled the situation pretty
    magnificently. Unlike Dappy, who
    got himself caught up in it and
    inadvertently managed to let slip
    how well acquainted he was with
    Fazer's penis. And that he'd
    watched his own cousin's sex tape. 

FYI: Online sex toy shop Lovehoney offered
Tulisa 200k this week to be the face of
their range:

Like investigative journalist Donal MacIntyre,
Rolf Harris also wears Ugg boots.

        >> Dyer situation <<
        Danny falls for camera trick

    Danny Dyer was at the SHAFTA awards
    last week and fell for one of the
    oldest tricks in the book. Porn star
    Peter Oh Tool bumped into him and
    asked if there was any chance of a
    photo. Danny said sure, and walked
    up to stand next to him only to be
    handed the camera and told "Thanks
    Danny! Make sure you take a good
    shot for us!"

FYI: Emma Bunton falls for that trick too.

Tweet-of-the-week from Lee "911" Brennan:
"In car behind Liverpool player Charlie Adam in
Weeton, he got out of his car & herded about 20
sheep back into their field!! Priceless!!"

        >> Dark territory <<
        More shitty pants stories

    Continuing our series of celebrity
    soilings, there's an old story about
    Steven Seagal on the set of Out Of
    Justice. He was apparently boasting
    about how he couldn't be choked, a
    claim the film's stunt co-ordinator
    called him out on. Not only did he
    successfully choke Seagal, he also
    caused him to crap himself. 

    The story goes that Seagal then got
    a gagging order to stop anyone who
    witnessed the incident to keep schtum
    about it. Which they did. Until this
    week, when Gene LeBell - the stunt
    co-ordinator himself - all but
    confirmed the story in an interview
    with a martial arts website.

Listen (about 9 minutes in):

Greg Wallace has the Millwall crest tattooed
on his chest.

Four ex-soldiers, a reporter and a high-tech
spud cannon, of course something goes horribly
wrong. Read the book that Nick Hornby called
"ingenious" – The Family Fang spud gun chapter:

        >> iPete <<
        Kids these days...

    Ever wonder what Pete Tong does when
    he's not flying round the world,
    spinning discs and raising roofs?
    Well, he played the end of term
    disco at a West London prep school.

    Wonder if the kids had any idea who
    the fifty-something bloke behind
    the decks was?

Kirstie Allsopp spotted at a shoe shop in Kew
unable to find any pairs wide enough to fit
her feet.

        >> Panda Popbits <<
        Never say no etc...

    Loving German DJ duo Turntablerocker's
    new track Alles auf die 303. It has some
    great knob-twiddling, Josh Wink style.
    And a video featuring a rather porn-y panda.

FYI: Congrats to One Direction for becoming
the first globally successfully boy band for
a decade. One Thing and What Makes You Beautiful
are great pop songs. It's weird how time's
stood still, though. The bloke who wrote
these also wrote for the last ones, N*Sync
and Backstreet Boys.
Q: What is six inches long and only goes in
one direction?
A: Simon Cowell's cock.

        >> A bit of Blue <<
        Entertaining as ever

    There's a new Blue album on the way
    which will be good news for Duncan
    James. Staff at a gym in West Hampstead
    say he was "let go" from their club
    after he was caught sharing a pass
    around with a bunch of his mates. The
    personal trainer he's got now will be
    costing him a bit more. 

    Lee Ryan seems to be having a better
    time of it. He's reconciled with his
    girlfriend Sammi and is now the proud
    father of a movie star. Their child
    Rayn has appeared in his first film -
    Dexter Fletcher's Wild Bill.

    Lee said: "Rayn loved it, I'm so proud
    of him. Obviously he didn't have a
    massive speaking part... He couldn't
    really talk at the time."

    Rayn Ryan is two.

FYI: Duncan in the gym doing a Fred
Durst impression? 

iPhone game banned in Saudi for sounding
"too sexy":

        >> Things that make you go hmm <<
        Monkeys, Lego, presidential privates

    Barack Obama porn-a-like:

    Free pizza with every vasectomy:

    Monkey Riverdance: 

    Whatever happened to her off
    the Abu Ghraib photos?

    Jane Bussmann, who wrote us that brilliant
    piece on Kony, is performing it at
    Mish Mash, Kampala, Uganda, 20th April:

    Ever wanted to get on the stage at a big
    festival? Just pretend to be a big DJ
    from another country: 

    Very much enjoyed Little Joe's Little
    Film Club's showing of the BBC Arena
    documentary on Kenneth Anger's Hollywood
    Babylon last night at the Cinema Museum.
    Check out their upcoming programme: 

    Nominative determinism of the week:
    Expert in black market food trends,
    Fiona Lickorish...

Refreshingly different, silly and sometimes
naughty cards, wrap, coasters, mugs and fridge
magnets (ribbed for your pleasure ooh er missus)

       >> Stuff about Popbitch <<

* Email us stories, gossip, otter pics:

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Thanks to: KH, theabominablehoman, LJ, GA,
SF, The Earl Of Essex, SL, Ignatius ORLY,
posh duckhunter, @europopped, JH,

* Thanks to everyone who sent in the
many variations on the One Direction joke

* Thanks for everyone who suggested what
that Rebecca and Fiona track sounds like.
It does start the same as Kids in America,
but otherwise we're still in the dark...

Old Jokes Home
Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator.

Still Bored?
Sick of the Cumberbatch otters? Try
Celebrities who look like mattresses:

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