Don’t mention the coffee table

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|_|         |_|  19.04.12 ISSUE 590

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* It's a One Direction world
* What price privacy?
* Charts: Carly v Connor for no 1

        >> Bottom gear <<
        Our genuine thanks to Rebekah

    Simon Cowell's fling with Dannii Minogue
    got him on the front of the tabloids just
    when his ailing TV show most needed a push.
    Ex-NOTW hacks have been complaining that
    they had this story years ago, but Rebekah
    Brooks spiked it as a favour to Cowell.

    You can see why they'd be frustrated,
    but we have to be fair to Rebekah.
    Her power plays were not always wrong.

    Remember the story of Jeremy Clarkson’s
    affair with a blonde colleague a year
    ago? They'd been seen "cavorting" at a
    New Zealand hotel. Well, a freelance
    snapper took a load of rather explicit
    photos of the pair getting frisky on their
    balcony. He then took them to the News
    of The World. Mrs Brooks happily bought
    up the lot... and buried them to spare
    the blushes of her Chipping Norton
    neighbour. In doing so, she saved a
    nation from having to see that series
    of unimaginably gruesome shots.

    So let's just hope Top Gear's ratings
    never need the same help as BGT's...

Like John Adam, Ernest Shackleton had a dog
called Satan. And also one called Bummer.

        >> Gizza job! <<
        The way to Cowell's heart

    Those Simon Cowell "exclusives"
    this week:

    (a) As TV interviews have revealed in
    the past, he likes black bog roll.
    (b) As he's happily admitted in many
    interviews, he's no stranger to the
    botox doctor and the special vitamin
    (c) As he's paid Max Clifford a fortune
    to place these stories for years, he
    really likes one night stands and pretty
    (d) As she's not been shy of saying, Sharon
    Osbourne isn't much of a fan these days.

    What we're not expecting to see (but
    hoping that Bower's heard and will verify):

    (e) The story that one of Cowell's
    celebrity mates told us: that he doesn't
    really like intercourse, but is a big
    fan of blowjobs.

When Will Young was on Question Time recently,
he left a batch of his albums backstage for
anyone who'd care to take one. What a sweetie.

        >> Big Questions <<
        What people are asking this week

    Seeing as X Factor scandals are all the
    rage at the minute, we wonder when we'll
    hear about the well-known act who turned
    up to audition first as a pregnant
    teenage hooker - a sob story that,
    strangely, wasn't broadcast.

Mel Blatt from All Saints spotted at a film
premiere this week. "She's aged well", is
all we now know.

        >> 1D, 100 stories <<
        World goes mad for boy band

    There are so many stories whizzing round
    about One Direction at the minute, it's
    hard to know what's true or what isn't.

    Bids for Niall's bit of discarded toast
    reached $100,000 on eBay, but surely
    those bids can't be authentic? Where
    are One Direction fans going to get
    that sort of money?

    Mind you, the fans are kind of crazy.
    If they're sending death threats to
    the US band with the same name, maybe
    they're not above robbing a bank?

    Meanwhile, Harry seems to be going
    out with everyone under the sun - most
    of them just lazy PRs trying to
    get publicity for their clients by
    using his swordsman's reputation.
    And these stories have already spawned
    the first "Harry is gay" rumour -
    based on the reasoning that the
    older women thing must surely be
    because he needs a beard... (His
    love interest in this tale is
    Nick Grimshaw, btw.)

Human Centipede 3 update: It will have a chain
of 500 people but might not have plastic surgeon
Dieter Laser as he doesn’t like the script.

        >> Tales from the tabloids <<
        Another month, another tale

     27 March - "Jess J and Tinie
     Tempah's 'secret dates'."

     19 April - "Jessie Gay... Jessie
     is 100% lesbian."

Our favourite story of the week: "
has secret date with Geri Halliwell".
If this one's true, we're going to start
believing there is a God after all...

        >> Frank discussion <<
        Things that shouldn't be said?

    Last Friday at 5pm, an email was sent
    to publishers (Popbitch included) from
    lawyers for Frank Bruno, informing them
    that Frank had been detailed under the
    Mental Health Act and stating that it
    would breach his Article 8 rights under
    the Human Rights Act if this medical
    information were to be published.

    So it wasn't a surprise to see that
    no-one ran the story on Saturday -
    either from fear of reprisal or just
    out of plain old sympathy for Frank.

    What was a bit of a surprise though, was
    that the next day both the Sunday Mirror
    and the Sun on Sunday featured the news
    prominently on their front pages - both
    containing quotes on Frank's sad battle,
    provided by Dave Davies, his PR.

    Makes us wonder if the right to
    privacy from the Human Rights Act, as
    quoted in their letter, has just come
    to mean the right to keep things quiet
    until people work out how best
    to spin the story...?

A racehorse weighs about the same as
an F1 racing car.

        >> Una Bummer <<
        Keeping Stubbs off the internet

    After referencing the Una Stubbs urban
    legend last week, we were emailed by
    someone close to the Stubbs family.
    Apparently Una has no idea about the
    coffee table story and her kids have
    gone to all sorts of lengths to ensure
    she doesn't find out. They've pretty
    much banned her from using the internet
    for fear that she will google herself,
    and have told her many tales about the
    perils of searching for your own name
    online, claiming it leaves you open to
    scammers and hackers - just in case
    she ever gets tempted.

    We're told that the story itself is
    totally untrue and that Una "wouldn't
    hurt a fly, nor shit on a coffee table".
    Her kids are similarly lovely and have
    worked their arses off trying to cover
    it for this long.

    So if you ever meet Una, please don't
    mention it.

Sunday Times reported that for every $1
newspapers won from online advertising
last year, they lost $10 in print ads.

        >> The British Bieber <<
        And, shock, he's likeable!

    Conor Maynard's rise to success came from
    uploading videos to youtube, much like the
    Biebster himself a few years back. But
    unlike pretty much anything the Canadian
    has released, we're liking Maynard's debut,
    released last Sunday.

    It's a bit Timberlake, and definitely a
    grower. Give it a try.

    FYI 1: Conor Maynard shares a birthday
    with Liza Tarbuck.
    FYI 2: An anagram of Conor Maynard
    is Random Crayon.

New British pop sensation Conor Maynard released
his brilliant debut single on Sunday.
Join the Mayniacs and download it here -

        >> Jack Wontshere <<
        Yep, Arsenal star misses Euros

    The more astute readers among you
    shouldn't have been too surprised by
    the announcement that Jack Wilshere
    won't be playing in the Euros.

    Popbitch October 2011: "Jack Wilshere's
    injury and recuperation are worse than
    has been said publicly. Bone grafts and
    spending time in a wheelchair are being
    discussed. Along with a timeframe that
    wouldn't seem to allow a tournament next

Robert Powell was overheard saying "Little
Britain is the least amusing programme ever to
appear on television". Joe Pasquale agreed.

      >> Things that make you go hmm <<
      More Gotye, zombies, Gus and Scout

    The best "404 - Page Not Found"
    pages on the net:

    Rolling Stone founder Jann Wenner’s
    youngest son, Gus, has jumped into
    the music business with Scout Willis,
    daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi
    Moore. The offspring have formed
    folk-rock band Gus + Scout

    What's better than a sausage making
    class? A sausage making class with

    The new Bedingfeld EP is available
    to hear:

    A quick lesson in how gak got cheap:

    We sent someone into a zombie-filled
    shopping centre in Reading. This is
    what happened:

    Iron Sky has been pushed back until
    May (boo!), but here's the latest
    from the Asylum:

    Goyte Vs Robert Miles:
    Thanks DJs from Mars!

    If you enjoyed our Claire from Steps
    Spinal Tap story last week but would
    like to see it illustrated with blurry
    YouTube stills that don't really show
    anything in particular, the Mail Online
    have kindly followed it up by providing
    exactly that...

    Badgers better hope baboons don't
    get their hands on The Art Of War:

The London Eurovision Party is back! Sunday
29th April. Loads of this year's acts - live!
Discounted tickets with this code: OGAEUK

     >> Stuff about Popbitch <<

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Thanks to: AG, The Merkin, GHK, JS, N, CB,
BD, Anon, KZ, NS, CMH, D_notice

Old Jokes Home
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a
Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an
Indian, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a Dane,
several Americans (including a Hawaiian
and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Slovak,
an Australian, an Egyptian, a New Zealander,
a Japanese, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Uzbek,
a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a
Malaysian, a Croatian, a Cypriot, a Pole,
a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a
Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a
Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech,
an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran,
a Panamanian, an Andorran, a Venezuelan, an
Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Israeli,
an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Liechtensteiner,
a Moldovan, a Syrian, an Aruban, a Mongolian,
a Portuguese, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Cook
Islander, a Norfolk Islander, a Haitian, a
Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Georgian, a Bahaman,
a Tajikistani, an Armenian, an Albanian, a
Samoan, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin
Islander, a Belarusian, a Qatari, a Tongan, a
Cambodian, a Canadian, a Cuban, an Azerbaijani,
a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a
Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman,
an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Serb,
a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgarian, a Belgian, a
Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and two
Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', "but
you can't come in here without a Thai."

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