Between The Spreadsheets

Perhaps you heard the details of PJS's trysts – in particular that extremely exotic-sounding olive oil/paddling pool 'wrestling experience' – and thought "Ooh, yeah. I could be up for that." How much would a thing like that set you back exactly? What are the costs involved? We crunched the numbers for you...

Bedsheets
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When you’re a celebrity (or, to quote the STILL LEGALLY ENFORCED INJUNCTION “a well-known person in the entertainment business”), you become accustomed to a certain way of life.

It’s five star treatment all the way. High society functions, royal engagements, A-list galas. Your life is one long red carpet. The best of the best; the crème de la crème.

So when you want to feel up a bunch of people up in a paddling pool full of olive oil, then only the very finest stuff will do. You can’t risk turning up to a charity ball with the faint scent of sunflower oil hanging around you. Imagine the jibes your hoity-toity friends would make!

Obviously money is no object, but how much would that sort of thing cost? What sort of receipts are you looking at totting up here? We asked a few friends in the concierge business, busted out our calculators and we got you a quote.

The Premium Package

A Hotel

Part of what you pay for at a high-class hotel is the discretion (especially when well-known individuals in the entertainment business make up a part of your flesh triangle) so you’re going to need to set this up somewhere you can trust.

You’re also going to want a room large enough so you don’t have your neighbours complaining. The last thing you want is anything disrupting the mood. So a suite is your best option.

In a five-star London hotel, with the sort of space and silence you’ll need, you’re looking at somewhere between £900 – £4,000 for a night. You can easily pay more, but let’s be reasonable here.

COST: £2,500 for a suite with a kingsize bed, views of Hyde Park and a complimentary bottle of champagne.

 

A Paddling Pool

These aren’t traditionally made for adults, they’re more a kids thing. If you want one that will accommodate three grown-ups, you might actually be best looking at the sort of paddling pool made for a dog. Plenty of space to manoeuvre and it won’t burst if anyone slips over and lands badly (always a risk).

COST: £49 for a medium (inc. free UK delivery)

 

Olive Oil

If you’ve gone to the expense of getting a five-star hotel and a proper sized paddling pool, you won’t want to suddenly start cutting corners with the quality of your oil. In for a penny, in for a pound as the saying goes.

You’ll want something nice. A pleasant, subtle fragrance. A smooth, silky feel. Natural, skin-moisturising properties.

Fortnum and Mason do a delightful, versatile oil – the Marques de Valdueza 2013 Harvest. At £17.50 for a 500ml it is one of their cheaper oils but, according to the tasting notes, has “top notes of mango and papaya plus deeper tones of tomato leaves”.

To fill your doggy paddling pool to a reasonable sexing level, you’ll need at least 100 litres of the stuff (still less than a third full) which is 200 bottles.

COST: 200 x £17.50 = £3,500

Corkage Charge

Usually hotels stipulate in their terms and conditions that you can’t bring your own food and drink into the hotel, unless you pay an arranged corkage fee.

 

However, those rules are for consumption. If you only plan to bang in your olive oil and promise not to mop any of it up with a hunk of bread, you probably have a case for waiving this fee.

COST: Free

 

Protection

Oil erodes regular latex condoms, so if you want to stay safe you’ll need to purchase some latex-free ones.

COST: £16.99 for a pack of 14

 

Housekeeping

It’s a fairly safe assumption that if you’re the type to fancy the idea of boning multiple people in gallons of expensive cooking ingredients, you’re also the type who moves around a bit during sex (for what is the point in going to all the trouble of setting this up if you’re only going to engage in a bit of neat, contained intercourse for six and a half minutes?)

You’re going to want to be at this for hours. Writhing foreplay, with limbs flailing everywhere, bodies tossed and thrown about like rag dolls. You’re going to want to let yourself go; cast your inhibitions to the wind. You’re going to splash and spray that olive oil everywhere. You’re going to get it up the walls, in the carpets, over all the room’s fixtures and soft furnishings.

It’s going to be a nightmare for the maid.

It’s not unreasonable to pay £15p/h for specialist cleaning services in London and a decent deep-clean of a hotel room can take between four to six hours (although it’ll be more for a suite).

COST: £90

 

Tip

It’s the done thing in high-class establishments to leave some sort of gratuity. 15% is typical, and you don’t want to get a reputation among the staff for being a skinflint. That’s exactly the sort of thing that might convince a dissatisfied employee to broker talks with the tabloids.

COST: 15% of £2,500 = £375

 

The Cover-Up

This is really where you need to have money. Either you’re going to have to buy the silence of your sexual partners (a price which goes up with every john you add to the mix) or you’re going to have to take out an injunction.

The trouble with paying your partners is that they may just decide to go and sell their story anyway, and then you’ve got even more lawsuits on your hands. So you may just wish to save your cash for the inevitable injunction.

As we’ve seen, this sort of thing makes for a complicated privacy case. Some injunctions are cut and dried, and this will limit the cost of application. You just need to rustle up enough lawyers to hear your case and you’ll be covered indefinitely.

When the case is constantly contested though, the costs rise sharply. You have to pay a greater number of lawyers for many more hours to make your case. You have to pay to have legal letters sent out to anyone who is trying to aggravate you. You force judges to sit and really think about whether your Article 8 right to a private life outweighs the press’s Article 10 right to freedom of expression – and it can often be a really tricky question.

Make no mistake, using the courts to hush this sort of thing up is an expensive business. Bills in PJS v News Group Newspapers are estimated at upwards of half a million; and a full appeal in the Supreme Court could easily tip it over the million mark.

No wonder they say that silence is golden.

COST: £500,000

 

Total Bill = £506,530.99

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The Economy Package

Obviously, plebs like us don’t have that sort of money burning a hole in our pocket. So if a person was prepared to make certain compromises in order to get a taste of this sort of high-ticket sexual experience (and if well-known individuals in the entertainment business are prepared to give it a go, you can take a guess that it has to be good) how far could you revise this figure down? What can we haggle on here?

 

A Hotel

If you book in advance, aren’t fussy about extra amenities and go to one of those places which have an automated entry pad instead of a fully manned reception, you can easily pay for a double room and sneak a third or fourth partner in without raising the alarm and having to pay a surcharge.

COST: £19

 

A Paddling Pool

If you’re happy to most of the grunt work standing, you can probably fit three people in this from John Lewis.

COST: £12

 

Cooking Oil

Who cares if you’re lathering up in first-pressing, extra virgin good shit or Crisp’n’Dry? It’s all just lipids, isn’t it? Besides, it’s not as if you’ll be able to use any of it after. You can get a 15 litre drum of cooking oil for about £8-10 from a big supermarket. If you can get to a cash and carry, you might even get better than that.

You probably won’t be able to fit as much in the John Lewis paddling pool as the dog paddling pool, but for the sake of argument let’s buy a similar quantity (105 litres = 7 x 15l drums). If you have leftovers, you can save money next time.

COST: £70

 

Protection

No matter how cheap you’re being with everything else, you have to stay safe. Rubber up, people.

COST: £16.99

 

Housekeeping

If you’re prepared to do this in your room’s en suite and spend a little while wiping down after yourself you can probably avoid incurring any extra costs in damages. Just don’t pour oil down the drains. It plays merry hell with the plumbing.

COST: Free

Tip

This is the one part you should never scrimp on. These people work hard, and they don’t get paid anywhere near enough to deal with your dirty sex remnants.

Still, also bear in mind that £20 is more than a 100% tip. You don’t have to go crazy.

COST: £20

The Cover-Up

Instead of taking out an injunction, try not giving a fuck. It is, by far, your cheapest option.

COST: Free

 

Total Bill = £137.99

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