British Academy of Rubbish Films and Terrible Acting

There are many films that are so bad they are actually good. But only a lucky few that are so bad they deserve to win a BARFTA. Now in its fourth year, the British Academy of Rubbish Films and Terrible Acting consider just the very worst of the worst for the coveted awards.  Hollywood might be about to celebrate the Oscars but only in the BARFTAS could a Gerard Butler movie be the odds-on favourite for a clean sweep.

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Background

The awards are judged by the top-secret BARFTA academy, comprising film industry professionals and film critics. After 12 months sitting in screening rooms there’s no-one in the world better at spotting a dud.

BARFTA celebrates all that is terrible in British film. Anything Hollywood can do, Brits can do, er, worse. 

But Brexit or no Brexit, the film industry is an international business, and dross is no respecter of borders, so there are also awards for the best of the worst of international films too.

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Here are the nominees:

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Worst British Film 

Absolutely Fabulous

Take an iconic BBC comedy show, staff it with brilliant actors – and yet pull off something which will damage the original’s brand for decades to come. How ?

Dad’s Army

Take an iconic BBC comedy show, staff it with brilliant actors – and yet pull off something which will damage the original’s brand for decades to come. How?

Grimsby

Sasha Baron Cohen playing Liam Gallagher might have been funny in 1998. Mark Strong doing comedy is never funny.

High Rise

Stylised and clever dystopian thriller ingeniously adapting an unfilmable JG Ballard novel? Or a supremely irritating not-nearly-as-clever-as-it-thinks-it is adaptation of a novel that should have stayed unfilmed.

Scottish Mussel. 

Written by, directed and starring Talulah Riley, while she was married to Tesla billionaire Elon Musk. A major plot point revolves around the male lead being unable to recognise an otter. It’s downhill from there.

Gangsters, Gamblers, Geezers 

Even Richard Blackwood can’t save this one. Enough with the low budget gangsters already.

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Worst International Film

Dirty Grandpa 

From perennial BARFTA nominee Dan Mazer. He narrowly missed out on the BARFTA top honour with his previous film, I Give It A Year, described by the Academy as having “characters so cardboard, dialogue so forced and shoe-horned in stand ups so blatant it would be a contender in any year”. He’s got a better chance with this.

London Has Fallen

As Rolling Stone said “Make American movies great again. You can start by boycotting this one.”

Suicide Squad

How bad can a comic book movie be? This bad? Jesus…

50 Shades Darker 

Nominating this is like shooting fish in a barrel, but it just wouldn’t be fair to the other films if this wasn’t up there. 

Fences

Members of the Oscars Academy – seriously? This for Best Picture? Are you sure?

Mother’s Day

Gary Marshall has given us Valentine’s Day, New Years Day and now Mother’s Day. All we can say is we’ve seen Hallmark cards that were better written than this abomination. One reviewer called it an “unending atrocity”, which we can only wholeheartedly agree with.

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Worst Acting

Despite there being intense competition this year the Academy have decided to make both categories a straight two-way fight. Because in both Actor and Actress awards, two people stood out head and shoulder above the rest. Can the Brits defeat their international rivals?

Gerard Butler – London Has Fallen

Playing Gerard Butler. Who else?

Robert De Niro – Dirty Grandpa

Come on, man, you’re Robert De Niro. In a movie where you had to just make jokes about labia and spunk, even Zac Efron acted you off the set.

Margot Robbie – Suicide Squad 

It pains us to say it, of a good actor and a truly nice person, but in a movie crammed full of terrible, terrible turns Margot was UNBEARABLE. 

Catherine Zeta-Jones – Dad’s Army

Catherine, you got an Oscar once.  Playing a British journalist shouldn’t have been this beyond you. Hell, we can even do it!

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Worst Accents

Elizabeth Moss – High Rise

Is she English? Is she American. Wait, is she English again? Ah, is she playing Joss Stone?

Tom Wilkinson – Snowdon

For his Skawtish accent as The Guardian’s Ewen MacAskill. Come on Tom, you weren’t even trying.

Gerard Butler – London Is Burning

All he had to do here was an American meathead impersonation.  And he does live in America now, so what was so hard?

Rachel Weisz – Denial

Hammy Rachel Weisz for her definitely non-kosher Jewish Brooklyn accent. When she learned that her lawyer had represented Lady Di in her divorce said “So your usedta messin’ with da big boyz!” This could also have been a nomination for the year’s worst line of dialogue, so think yourself lucky with just one nomination, Rach.

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Worst Dialogue

London Has Fallen

US President: “What are you made of?”
Gerard Butler: “Bourbon and poor choices”

London Has Fallen

Gerard Butler: “Go back to Fuckheadistan or wherever it is you are from”

Dirty Grandpa

“Now tear off my bra like it’s a social security cheque”

50 Shades Darker

All the words. Every single line.

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