Between The Spreadsheets: A Golden Opportunity

Move over, olive oil paddling pool threesomes! 2017 is the year of the Presidential Piss Party. How do you set one up? Don’t worry. We’ve run the numbers for you so that you can enjoy your very own urination inauguration…

BuzzFeed’s recent decision to publish an explosive dossier of unsubstantiated, unverified allegations made about Donald Trump and his potentially treasonous ties to Russia brings up a number of questions. Most of them ethical; a couple of them practical.

For instance, is it ever right to knowingly release unconfirmed and uncorroborated information into the public sphere while investigations are ongoing?

In leaking such a specious and salacious story, could BuzzFeed have been duped into aiding foreign or domestic efforts to destabilise and delegitimise an incoming Head of State?

And exactly how much does it cost to actually host a Presidential Piss Party?

We wouldn’t be doing our jobs if we didn’t attempt to answer at least one of these pressing questions.

If there’s one thing we know for sure about Donald Trump, it’s this: he always wants the best that money can buy. So if he did splash out on a full-luxury piss party in a Moscow hotel room then, exactly how steep a bill is he looking at here?

The Suite

One of the perks of being in the international hotel business is that, most places you go, you’re able to stay in a place of your own. Naturally, this will hugely reduce your overheads when you want to indulge in a wet and wild night of excess.

However, Moscow is not one of the cities that Trump has chosen to foul up with one of his golden monstrosities, so he had to stay at a competitor’s property when paying a visit. Thanks to the dossier that BuzzFeed published, we know exactly where he went: the Ritz-Carlton, Moscow.

We also know which room he was alleged to have done the deed in because he was supposedly wreaking revenge on the mattress that the Obamas had slept on on a previous trip.

The Ritz-Carlton Suite in Moscow is one of the more expensive hotel rooms in the world. As such, it’s a little hard for plebs like us to attempt to make a proper booking there, so we can’t tell you exactly what availability they have right now – but the room rate is reportedly as much as $18,000 a night.

Cost: $18,000

The Mattress

Let’s not be coy about this. The mattress is going to get absolutely ruined here.

People who engage in watersports for sexual pleasure take practical precautions when they do so. They lay down towels. They fit rubber sheets. But if you’re getting into piss play purely as a maniacal dirty protest – your specific intent being to degrade and defile the mattress upon which your enemy slept – then having to throw down a tarpaulin is going to put a bit of a dampener on proceedings.

You need to be prepared to completely write this mattress off (if you’re going to do this properly, you’re going to want the whole thing to be drenched in piss), so you’re going to have to replace it when the fun is over.

You can buy a replacement from the Ritz-Carlton’s very own shop, but the California King will set you back a whopping $2,995.

Instead, you may wish get one from one of these new mattress companies that are advertising on every single podcast at the minute. They’ll deliver it direct to your door, and it’s a darn sight cheaper.

Cost: $1,150

The Participants

This is where a number of variables enter the picture.

First of all, if you have enough willing friends or volunteers, then you can probably harvest all the piss you need for a Presidential Piss Party without (for want of a better phrase) spending a penny.

However, Trump is alleged in the dossier to have used prostitutes for this purpose, which would indicate that money has changed hands.

We can assume, given his unflinching devotion to acquiring the finest things in life, that he will be hiring the best high-class escorts his American dollars can buy. Piss play with a primo Russian hooker can easily set you back hundreds of dollars an hour – but how many do you need? And for how long?

Well, it depends how heavily you want to soak the mattress. One woman can only hold so much urine, so it may require multiple efforts.

If you only want to give a super king size mattress a light dousing of piss, you can probably get away with two to four bladders’ worth. If you harbour the sort of grudge that Donald Trump is alledged to hold against the Obamas though, you are really going to want to drown that mattress. Have it absolutely dripping in gold.

So how much piss are we talking here?

The dimensions of a California King mattress (the type you would find in the Ritz-Carlton Suite) are 180 x 210 x 33cm – giving a total volume of 1,247,400 cm³.

The average adult female bladder holds about 450ml.

That means to fill a container the size of a California King mattress entirely with piss, you would need the assistance of 2,772 women.

At a minimum outcall rate of one hour at £100p/h your bill for raw materials alone will be well over quarter of a million – and surely even Trump can’t afford to simply piss that sort of money away. So how do we make some efficiencies here?

The average length of a mammalian piss is 21 seconds. If every one of these 2,772 pisses was had sequentially (that is to say, one after another) that would take about 960 minutes of non-stop urination – just over 16 straight hours.

It is highly likely that the women will want to piss more frequently that once every 16 hours as, over a day, the average person will urinate six to eight times. So we can whittle this number down to about 350 if we work in systematic piss shifts.

(The other way to do it would be to have multiple women pissing at once – say, four at a time; one in each corner. That would whittle the time down to 4 hours of non-stop urination, but there’s no way you can expect the same volume from each participant in such a short timeframe so you’d need to hire more people to piss.)

Also, as the mattress won’t be able absorb its full volume in wee-wee, we can probably dispense with about 90% of it and still do a devastating job.

So, in total, we can probably get by on a skeleton staff of 30 women each working for a 12 hour shift (with breaks). The escorts we looked up gave their prices in US dollars and would work for $500 for a 12 hour outcall.

Cost: $15,000

The Water

It is only polite to ensure that any participants in your piss party leave as hydrated as they entered. Providing one 500ml bottle of mineral water per piss will cover any outlays and replenish all stock.

As Trump has his own line of bottled water (Trump Ice) he will probably be able to rehydrate his guests at a greatly reduced cost.

A bottle that size (16.9oz in American measurements) retails for $2.45 at Trump Tower NYC – but obviously buying in bulk will dramatically lower your costs. And if you’re not looking to imitate Trump exactly, and are prepared to go for a mineral water that doesn’t have the Donald J Trump deliciousness guarantee, you can get 24 bottles of Aqua Pura for £3.50.

Cost: $425 (for full 2,400-piss saturation)
$55 (for medium 300-piss dousing)
$4.25 (for light 4-piss dusting)

The Tip

In this sort of situation, you have to tip your cleaners. It is essential. Both to ensure their discretion, and because it’s just good manners. You don’t invite an army of people to drown your room in piss and then sneak off and stiff the housekeeping. Come on, man. That’s not cool.

Cost: 15% of $18,000 = $2,700

Total Cost: $36,905

There’s a reason they call it a golden shower, friends. This sort of stuff does not come cheap. In fact, this whole pee-asco is going to set you back almost $40K  – and that’s before you factor in any flights and requisite visas you may need.

If that’s a little steep for you, then there are corners that can be cut. Booking a room at a local Premier Inn, putting a listing on Craigslist and providing limitless tap water for guests will all help to reduce your margins – but we must insist on one thing. If you pay less for the room, you can’t skimp on the tip.

Anything less that $200 and you’re taking the piss.