The Second Serve // Tabloid Gags

And so that’s it for Phillip Schofield. An inglorious defenestration on Saturday afternoon, never to return to his spot on the This Morning sofa after 21 years – and all he has to show for it is a 29-second tribute to him at the top of this morning’s episode (about 1.4 seconds per year of service).

Whenever the official statements hint at a much bigger story happening behind the scenes, yet the papers seem peculiarly tight-lipped on it, talk starts to swirl about superinjunctions covering up the real story.

While we can’t definitively say if there is or isn’t one, what we can say is that one reason you don’t hear much about the rumoured affair you’ll have read about online is less to do with Schofield paying to stifle the press, and more to do with IPSO reminding newsdesks of the Editors’ Code of Practice and its stance on privacy and harassment.

Still, congratulations to all the tabloids who managed to include graphics in their coverage about the “Runners and Riders” poised to take Schofe’s seat. That’s one gag they’ll definitely be pleased with.

So much for all those Boris vasectomy rumours; Britain’s most fruitful shagger apparently has another on the way. We’re sure you’re already all over the maths of this, but if we are weeks away from the next Johnson sprog drop, here’s a handy cut-out-and-keep guide to likely conception dates.

BORN 11TH JUNE: The baby is the result of one last poke in No.10.

BORN 12TH JUNE: Fury shag at getting replaced by Liz Truss.

BORN 14TH JUNE: Conceived in response to the death of the Queen.

BORN 15TH-25TH JUNE: Helped alleviate the boredom of the period of national mourning.

BORN 26TH JUNE: Boris Johnson marked the funeral of Queen Elizabeth II by spunking up his wife.

Last week we told you about the 48 hour stake-out that took place at Rolf Harris’s home, with journalists the length and breadth of Fleet Street parking up outside his gaff trying to catch a glimpse of a tell-tale body bag being wheeled out.

Nearly two weeks on and there still appears to be no official confirmation as to whether he’s alive or dead. It’s got journos quite stumped. One national newsdesk has been emailing various local authorities to ask them if they can reveal whether or not they’ve conducted any cremations for any Rolf Harrises in the last fortnight.

A lot of the tributes to Andy Rourke this weekend revolved around his work playing bass in the Smiths, but some of the more interesting stuff he was involved with has gone a little overlooked.

In the 00s, Andy joined punk icon Vinny Peculiar’s band. Having both Andy and Mike from The Smiths in his band meant Vinny started courting some serious interest from American labels. Rather than using this to get the standard string of lucrative gigs on the East and West coasts, Vinny insisted on playing the Midwest and Southern states instead.

Why? Because a number of Vinny’s songs were a blasphemous bastardisation of country music, played by an English dandy in glam drag who sang about selling sperm to pay for bus fare, pissing in the sink of a church vestry and Jesus stealing his girlfriend.

The plan was to wind the local hicks up so much that they’d riot. Or to quote it more precisely: “If they still do community mass-burnings over there like they did with the Beatles records we’ll fucking clean up before we even get on the plane.”

Want to treat yourself to a celebrity lunch this week? This was Sir Jimmy Savile’s signature recipe, as written verbatim by the man himself:

SINGLE MANS LUNCH
* 1 Can Beans
* 1 Can Soup
Pour Both into a pan.
Heat and eat straight from pan!
No washing up.

namedropper writes:
“I’m always amused when I read that Martin Amis is reluctant to talk about his early education. He likes to conveniently forget that he, like me, spent some time at Brynmill Primary School in Swansea in the fifties. He caused all of us in Miss Williams’ class to fall about laughing when he came back from a short trip to America with an American accent.”

Last week saw themes like Feelings, Hot Sax, The OC and Sum Like It Pop. This week, we’ve got another five themes lined up, ready to test your pop knowledge in a pretty standard fashion. We’ll chop up ten songs into mince, squidge them all together and let you dissect it to discern the true contents.

You get a point for every artist you pick out and a point for every song title. That’s twenty points for each round; a hundred points across the week.

Monday’s Theme: …And The Somethings

[Play it here]

Use Kenny Loggins lyrics to generate a secure password
[Kenny Log-ins]

DJ Absolutely Shit v DJ Fart In The Club
[Bad DJ names are back]

At last, a decent challenger to the hideous Ronaldo statue
[Lewis Capaldi, sculpted by kids]