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“LONDON I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. I LOST MY QUEEN TOO” – Kanye West |
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A second serving of scandal and slander Subscribe
Email stories to us club@popbitch.com
* Playing the pork markets
* The curse of the Monkeyman
* PLUS: More star protection |
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>> Pound the alarm << |
Playing the pork markets |
Obviously Liz Truss and Kwasi Kwarteng can’t be accused of not giving journalists enough to write about, but it does seem weird to us how little attention has been given to one particular story that was floating about a few years ago.
Given how accurately the infamous Tory “Dirty 36” Dossier marked the cards of disgraced MPs Charlie Elphicke, Chris Pincher, Mark Garnier, Matt Hancock, Michael Fallon, Stephen Crabb, Damien Green (the list goes on) it’s surely folly not to flick back and cross-reference what it might have to say about the current PM.
Because Liz Truss appears on that list too. And the Tory staffers tasked with compiling it seem to have been under the impression that she was once in a relationship with… Kwasi Kwarteng. |
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Last week’s charts saw the second-lowest paid-for singles sales ever. Whether that’s down to the cost of living crisis or the fact that David Guetta’s remake of Eiffel 65’s Blue is number one, we can’t say. |
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>> Brown noise << |
Everyone got cursed |
Up until today, the funniest on-stage Ian Brown outburst we’d ever heard about was one in Cardiff where someone threw a sprout at him. This sparked an insane rant in which he kept referring to the sprout as a “green pudding” – a topic he returned to later in the set, stopping songs mid-way through to start shouting at the audience about sprouts again.
However, he might have just topped it. According to one account of the gig he played in Leeds last night (no band; just him tunelessly singing along to backing tracks – £40 a head), someone chucked a pint towards the stage to demonstrate their disapproval at how shite he was being.
Ian yelled back “Bad move, that. I’ve just put a curse on your first born, dickhead!” |
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ROH writes: “When Ian Brown supported the Manics at Wembley Arena he almost got chucked out of the venue before the show began for trying to smoke in the arena rather than outside. When he finally made it on stage he used the gap between every song to berate the security guards.” |
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>> Van outing << |
What’s in a name? |
Good old Denise Van Outen. She was paid by Jet2 Holidays to host an all-expenses paid weekend in Costa Brava for 180 winners of a competition they ran recently. Denise’s hosting duties involved making a five-minute speech to open the event and a five-minute speech to bring it to a close.
On both occasions she forgot the name of the airline who flew her there and was paying for her time.
“I’d like to thank Jet Airlines for putting this weekend on for us! I mean Jet Holidays…” Then, as the room looked on in silence, “Oh god, I’ve done it again haven’t I? I mean Jet2 Holidays!” |
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>> Family affair << |
How to keep clients, pt 298 |
We mentioned the YMU/James Grant tabloid protection racket in Thursday’s newsletter, but that’s not the only trick in their arsenal for keeping celebrity clients on the books.
Another way they have of ensuring their clients don’t pull a Willoughby and leave is by hiring up the star’s family members. Sometimes that involves signing their celeb spouse (the way they’ve done with Richard and Judy, Emma and Matt Willis, Joe Swash and Stacey Solomon, Tess Daly and Vernon Kay, etc).
But the smarter way to keep a celebrity client on the books is to hire their civilian relatives, adding extra pressure on everyone not to do anything that might jeopardise their family members’ careers too.
Among those on the YMU payroll: Molly Schofield (daughter of Phillip), Jack Madeley (son/agent of Richard and Judy) and Martha Atack (sister/agent of Emily). |
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ITV bosses are “concerned” Holly and Phil will be booed at the National TV Awards. |
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>> Uncool as ice << |
More celebrity soundtracks |
MD writes:
“Your story about Clint Eastwood’s ringtone reminded me of a similar incident of my own. About ten years ago I was on a train from Kent into London, it was mid-morning so there were only a handful of passengers in my carriage. Just past Orpington I became aware of some quite loud music coming from behind me which I quickly recognised as Ravel’s Bolero. Looking round to find the source of the music I found it to be coming from a laptop which was being watched by none other than Jayne Torvill.” |
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Diarrhoea is the fifth most misspelled word on Google (behind ‘potato’ in fourth place). |
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>> Mart attack << |
The strangest scam |
The Sunday Times ran a feature on the booming fortunes of a new women-run private investigation agency at the weekend, describing a strange scam the founders investigated recently.
One client lost £69k to a fraudster who claimed to be Marti Pellow from Wet Wet Wet, and to whom their client had “got engaged”. The money she gave “Marti” included £15k so he could buy a car (Fake Marti claimed he “could not be seen dead in a taxi”) and £1k to buy her her own engagement ring.
It might sound mad, but Marti’s spending always was. He was famous for forking out thousands on private jets to get takeaways delivered to him from his favourite curry house in Glasgow, flown all around the world – so it all seems perfectly in character.
Props to the Nigerian scammer for picking such a niche but plausible celeb. |
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Curious as to why so much of the coverage of the Royal Mourning Period was so bland? The palace comms office was so aggressive in their letter writing to head off anything “disrespectful”, publications really reined it in. |
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>> Popquiz << |
This week’s audio rounds |
Last week, we had a series of assorted audio quizzes – five themeless rag-tag collections of tunes all jammed together. This week, we return to themes.
Each three-minute mix has ten songs chopped up through it; all you have to do is identify the songs themselves (a point each) and the recording artist for each (a second point).
Monday‘s theme: The British Pound
[Play it here] |
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Find that theme too depressing? Here’s 230 others you can take a punt at instead. [Play them here] |
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>> Hmmms << |
A few quick things |
RIP one of the last true jazz greats: Pharoah Sanders. Gilles Peterson did a great tribute show Saturday.
[Listen here]
Want to play the Thatcher mod for Doom that’s got people in trouble at the Labour conference?
[You can get it here]
The Santa Clara Broncos headshots are a work of art
[See them here]
Phoenix talk through their latest album
[Read on NME] |
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Thanks to: JD, JM, ROH, AJ, TMT, J, CG, MD |
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Old Jokes Home
Just spent £350 hiring a limousine and it didn’t even come with a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffeur it. |
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