The Second Serve // Groupie Insurance

As it’s Valentine’s Day, we figured that a few stories of love, sweetness and romance would be in order.

And then we thought, no. Stories of shagging, perversion and filth were probably better. So here you go. Have those instead.

It’s not unusual for a certain type of celebrity to listen to their own music while having it off. Mariah Carey and Robin Thicke have both been reported to have had sex to the sound of their own records – but they’ve got nothing on Redfoo from party-rockers LMFAO.

Redfoo has been caught countless times approaching DJs in clubs to request his own songs, but this self-love extends to the bedroom too. When making the moves on a lady at his place, he’s been known to stick on his own band’s song “I’m In Miami, Bitch” – then sing along to it, while humping away, with the charming change of lyrics: “I’m in your pussy, bitch…”

J writes:
“Me and a Grindr hook up were going at it and I had a playlist on shuffle (I’ll spare the sordid details). A song came on, he freezes and asks if I’m being funny? Asked me about four times. I was very confused, getting ready to ask him to leave, but he realised I didn’t know what the hell was going on, he calmed down and we got back to shagging hard.

“We finish. He leaves. I go back and review the playlist. Find the song. Google the band then and now. And yes. I found out I’d just been jolly rogered by one of S Club Juniors after he was all grown up…”

We’ve never quite known whether people are more interested to know the identity of the presenter with this one, or the puppet. So, in order of appearance:
* The presenter was Kirsten O’Brien.
* The puppet was Otis The Aardvark.

In Issue 864 we asked:
“Which British popstar made quite an impression on an American groupie he met on tour? He kept running his tongue over her pubic hair again and again, while softly muttering the word ‘wicked’ to himself.”

This was Craig David. (Presumably on… Wednesday?)

shagpile_perm writes:
“Katie Price tried it on with my 21 year-old friend on a night out. She wouldn’t let go of his hand, even when she threw up. Whatta lady.”

Amphersand writes:
“My friend shagged Vic Reeves in his early days in Newcastle. When she woke up the next morning, she leaned over to get her clothes, whereupon Vic leapt upon his silver cufflinks on the bedside table thinking that she was about to make off with them.”

slackhack writes:
“Someone I know shagged James Dean Bradfield, and her flat was less than spotless. When she woke up, he’d been to the shop, bought croissants and orange juice, and had done the washing up.”

Someone who was working backstage at the O2 when Prince had his residency there ended up flirting quite heavily with the Purple One. She obviously made quite an impression on him, as he later had one of his team approach her with an invitation to join him in his dressing room.

They had a few drinks, a bit of a snog and then Prince asked if they could go back to hers. She said it would be fine ordinarily but she had literally just moved into her place and didn’t actually have a proper bed yet. Naturally, that didn’t put Prince off. They just ended up having sex on a mattress on her floor.

He stayed the night and was supposedly very sweet and attentive throughout. But his sweetest move? Getting a brand new bed delivered direct to her door the very next afternoon…

Robbie Williams has always spoken candidly about the sexual adventures of his bachelor days and isn’t shy about discussing the many things he’s tried in the sack – even when he wasn’t necessarily the best at them.

For example, one former conquest of his liked to experiment a bit with domination and degradation in the bedroom. She asked, in the throes of passion, to be spat on. Sadly, Robbie is more accustomed to flobbing on the football pitch than he is to doing anything more intimate – so brought up a huge, phlegmy oyster right from the depths of his throat. Somewhat killing the mood.

With so many willing groupies on hand every night, it’s very easy for rock stars to become jaded and develop some slightly esoteric sexual peccadillos.

Take Gene Simmons from Kiss, for example. He estimates he’s slept with over 4,500 women in the course of his career, and once tried to pitch a coffee table book to a publisher compiled exclusively of hundreds and hundreds of topless polaroids of them. (The publisher politely passed on the offer.)

His most famous contribution to the rock’n’roll sexual canon? The “Blumphy” – which was his preferred method of post-show relaxation. It involved him getting a blowie while sat naked on the toilet, taking a shit.

Another band who got very blasé with groupies was Frankie Goes To Hollywood (the three straight lads, anyhow). While on tour, they developed a sort of groupie insurance system which saw them give their room keys to fans who had camped outside their hotel as they left in the early afternoon – with an instruction to get into bed and wait for them.

This ensured that, in the unlikely event of them not picking up anyone else during the evening, they had at least one shag guaranteed.

When they returned twelve hours later though, they’d more often than not have someone new on their arm, so the patient reserve groupies would find themselves unceremoniously ejected – without so much as a thank you for keeping the bed warm.

Last week saw daily audio quizzes based around Brit Award winners, Oscar nominees and former Neighbours stars. This week, we’ve shredded up another fifty songs and rearranged the parts for you, so you can test your pop prowess.

Give yourself a point for each song title you correctly guess, and another one for every artist. That should give you 20 each day, or 100 points each week. (Every last one of them worthless…)

Monday’s Theme: Valentine’s Day

[Play it here]

Titanic, with a cat in Kate Winslet’s place
[See on YouTube]

Dead sea creatures x ambient music
[Kind of trippy]

Slap someone round the face with an eel
[Digitally]

Palin v NYT and the messiness of media
[Some thoughts from Gawker]