An Unsurprising Dabble

It’s been a while since there’s been a properly mucky scandal involving a reality star – so let’s give thanks and praise to Australia for this absolute humdinger.

There’s currently some footage being circulated on Facebook of a contestant from the Australian version of The Bachelorette in which he stands stark naked, vigorously spinning his cock around helicopter-style.

Standard, laddish showing-off you might think. And, for a while, it is.

But the video really takes a turn when a dog unexpectedly bounds into shot and starts going to town on the guy’s balls.

In her statement of defence, Rebekah Vardy tried to reason with Coleen Rooney by saying “I’m not being funny, I don’t need the money” – but surely Vardy knows that money isn’t the only reason a celebrity would strike up a transactional relationship with the press.

To pick an utterly arbitrary example out of thin air: let’s say your partner had been heard directing a racist slur towards a Japanese man in a casino back in 2015. An incident like that could cause quite a lot of unwelcome turbulence.

But what if the Sun had some further details of this event? Details that it chose not to publish. Video evidence, for instance, that could have made life even more difficult for a rising-star striker.

Obviously a paper that showed such kindness and goodwill to a couple in a predicament like this may end up expecting a favour or two offered in return.

Serialisation rights to his autobiography, perhaps? Or the odd insider story?

Is #MeToo about to rock the Murdoch papers? The print media’s moment in the spotlight is long overdue and it seems like people are getting ready to talk…

Coleen Rooney isn’t the only WAG that’s been wondering about leaks to the Sun. Kate Wright – the new Mrs Rio Ferdinand – has been on a bit of a mole hunt recently too.

Rio and Kate went to great lengths to keep their Turkish beach wedding under wraps so that their guests could party in peace (and so that they could sell an exclusive to OK!) – but in the run-up to their big day, they started to notice some titbits about them appearing in the Sun.

Their people couldn’t work out who was behind it. One of Rio’s advisers was suspected and consequently frozen out of the wedding plans. But now they’re wondering if maybe the source was the same one for all those Coleen stories…

With Brexit supposedly due to occur on October 31st, Brexiteers are going to be forced to choose between celebrating Halloween or celebrating Britain’s glorious emancipation from the oppressive shackles of the EU (etc, etc…)

Except for Julia Hartley-Brewer, that is, whose regular Halloween plans were pretty Brexit-y already.

Julia’s neighbours have long stopped expecting a call from her on October 31st. That’s because for many years Julia has chosen to take her daughter out trick-or-treating in St John’s Wood instead.

The neighbourhood there is stuffed to the rafters with wealthy American families whose kids are enrolled at the nearby American School. As they all get properly into Halloween each year, in true Yank style they offer up a seemingly endless supply of premium goodies to anyone who comes knocking.

A much better deal than the paltry presents her much closer neighbours offer.

Last week’s Big Question about the two Loose Women who once hooked up for a very one-sided session has caused quite a commotion in our inbox. We’ve had MPs sniffing around for clues; journalists, TV presenters, industry people – all desperate to know who they were.

But our favourite email came from the agent of another (different) Loose Woman, who was curious to know if we were talking about their client. We weren’t, but they told us it “sounds like something she’d say” and that they wouldn’t be at all surprised if she’d “dabbled”.

With Derby County’s drink-driving footballers sentenced this week, we can tell you a bit more about their big night out.

* Captain Richard Keogh’s debit card was rejected three times in the pub when he went to pay the final £800 of the bill.

* Staff said he started kicking off when he couldn’t get his card to work, with one of them labelling him “the worst and biggest cunt” they’d ever dealt with.

* The bar bill from the evening’s drinks was almost three grand and included 75 Jagermeisters, 38 tequilas and 54 sambucas.

Normally it’s the younger generation that gets called upon to provide their elders with IT support, but William Berners Lee – the nephew of Tim Berners Lee – might want to give his uncle a call for a few pointers.

He’s currently at university getting on with his studies but last week the poor lad tried to reply to an email about his exams – and somehow accidentally ended up sending it as a Reply All.

To his entire college.

It’s very thin gruel gossip-wise at Strictly this year. Not a single sneaky shag to be heard of, so it seems as if the infamous curse has finally been lifted – much to everyone’s boredom.

The only person that was spicing stuff up backstage was Anneka Rice. She caused a bit of a ruckus when she was presented with the outfit for her Kill Bill dance. She was very unhappy that it was yellow (as per the incredibly famous and iconic film) and was apparently very determined to wear green instead.

Should have danced to Rainbow Connection then.

It was no real surprise to learn that David Walliams was the big contender for Cilla’s spot as the frequent flyer that cabin crews dreaded serving the most – but the parallels between the two are closer than we first realised.

Cilla’s classic move on flights was to always have someone else speak to cabin crew on her behalf, even if the crew were addressing her directly (which once led one attendant to frustratedly hiss the line “I knew she couldn’t sing, but I didn’t realise she couldn’t fucking SPEAK!”)

Anyhow, it seem Walliams is capable of similar stuff down here on terra firma. Someone who tried asking for an autograph a few months back was told by Walliams’ chauffeur that any requests for autographs needed to be made in writing.

Kurt Cobain’s MTV Unplugged sweater is up for auction
[Est. $30,000 price tag though]

Loads of MS-DOS games have just been put online to play for free
[Tank your productivity!]

Local News Of The Week: Bus Fart Apology edition
[Read on Derby Telegraph]

Everyday The Same Video Of Maradona Dancing To A Different Song
[A self-explanatory Facebook page]

The brother of Jim Kerr is stalking Simple Minds’ fans?
[Read on The Argus]

Albert Camus goes to Pret
[Read on Twitter]

Who is the serial poo jogger of Sydney?
[Rooney: get on the case]