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Arrears In Heaven

 

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* Cheryl x Carter-Ruck
* Blue x Hull-based boilers
* PLUS: The return of Daz Sampson?
>> Under-studies <<
They do like it up ’em
 

Cate Blanchett’s latest play at the National Theatre features a rather arresting scene in which she straps on a dildo, lubes up and then slips a quick length to a man dolled up in women’s knickers.

And how have the critics been describing this dildo in print?

Quentin Letts of the Mail called it “vast”. Dominic Cavendish of the Telegraph said “sizeable”. Alice Jones of the i plumped for “big”. But Henry Hitchings of the Evening Standard? “Medium-sized”.

Attaboy, Henry…

Before personal data laws changed, Elton John’s credit card statements used to be used in fraud detection training.
>> Radio daze <<
Morning gory
 

How are they picking the line-ups at talkRadio these days? Are they just flinging darts at old copies of the TV Guide? They seem to be, as the hot and happening new pairing they’re currently considering for a primetime slot?

Kate Garraway and Jeremy Kyle.

The Kaiser Chiefs postponed some live dates last weekend citing illness – but we hear it was because one of the band had just been dumped. (Bless.)
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
 

Where many Hollywood stars resort to cosmetic surgery to keep themselves looking taut and youthful, which rom-com actress has come up with an ingenious natural alternative? She insisted that a recent sex scene she filmed be shot on a bed that was tipped up at a 45 degree angle, with matching tilted cameras, so that gravity pulled her boobs down (rather than apart, as happens when she’s flat on her back) to give them an on-screen effect of pertness.

Here’s a deal from Arena Flowers, the UK’s most ethical florist: we won’t sell you oil if you promise not to buy your Valentine’s Day flowers from a petrol station. 14th February is fast approaching, so delight the one you love with 15% OFF using the code ‘popbitch’.
[Order now at Arena Flowers]
>> Chimjunctions <<
Don’t need no good advice
 

Cheryl Cole has teamed up with our dear friends at the Devil’s own law firm, Carter-Ruck, to collaborate on an interesting new project. Together, they’re sending out spicy letters to journalists who write about her 2003 arrest for punching a toilet attendant in a nightclub in Guildford, telling them that they’re somehow in breach of the Rehabilitation Of Offenders Act 1974.

Sadly, their plan hasn’t quite worked out. Not only has the Guardian not taken down the interview she objected to, the Daily Mail has since run with a story about her hiring lawyers in an to attempt to airbrush her criminal past.

Ah, well. All’s not lost yet, Chezza. If you’re still dead set on using obscure laws to shut us all up, there’s a few other weird ones you could try?

[Read ‘Chimjunctions’ on Popbitch]

Sebastian Junger has just closed his New York pub, The Half King. Apparently the Chelsea/High Line area is too expensive now for him to keep going.
>> Brosession <<
“I owe you… £18,000”
 

One month on, and we’re still not over that Bros documentary.

It’s hard to overstate the change that When Will I Be Famous? made to the lives of Luke and Matt Goss. As kids growing up, they explained their favourite toy was a single dart that they liked to throw into the air (and, occasionally, into each other) for fun.

Three months after their manager set them up with a joint account though, and the royalties for Famous started to pour in, the boys racked up an £18,000 charge almost immediately – on clothes and fur coats alone.

Sign of the times: Sir Ian McKellen ends his one-man show at the National Theatre by passing around a large yellow collection bucket. In aid of the National Theatre.
>> Sienna burned? <<
Yet another Beckham rumour
 

We could fill a slot every week with all the various whispers that go around about who David Beckham has been seen getting close to, but even people who usually know better are talking more seriously about this latest one.

It seems deeply unlikely to us that Brand Beckham would dissolve ahead of its 20 year anniversary, but seasoned media watchers are scouring reports for any clues they can find. Both about the Beckhams and about… Sienna Miller.

Nominative Determinism of the week: Chief executive of the AA, Simon Breakwell.
>> No Stone left unturned <<
More tales of American Media
 

If you read our four-part series on the National Enquirer when we first published it 18 months ago, you won’t have been surprised to see just how tightly it is intertwined with the various Trump scandals that are currently unfolding.

There were a few good stories that we didn’t have space to include first time around, but now that Roger Stone has finally been arrested (and Michael Cohen can’t seem to stop squealing on Trump) we felt that the time was right to revisit them.

So this week we’re adding a fifth part to the series. One that takes in celebrity funeral crashers, a 73 year old stage-diver, Trump’s early attempts at poll-rigging, Playboy NDAs and an explanation of how the self-styled Ratfucker Roger Stone potentially stitched himself up – to save his own skin…

[Read ‘No Stone Left Unturned’]

LAST DAY TO DOUBLE YOUR FIRST TOP UP: Register an Agate wallet using this link before the end of Jan 31st. Top up with £3, and Agate will give you another £3 for free! Easy! Popbitch articles cost 25p, with a weekly cap of 50p. That means you only need to read two articles to get free access to the whole Popbitch site for the rest of the week.
[Claim your Agate bonus here]
>> Little boil Blue <<
We’re with the brand…
 

It’s still early days, but Blue might have already secured the greatest brand partnership of 2019. The boyband are now officially signed up to front ads for Hull-based boiler company, Ideal Boilers.

Duncan James seems particularly delighted about it all, saying “We had never expected anyone to say ‘Your songs will work for boilers,’ but once we chatted through the concepts with the brand and our management, we were 100% on board.”

The ten albums with most weeks at UK number one? Five soundtracks (inc. The Greatest Showman), three by the Beatles, Adele’s 21 and a Simon & Garfunkel.
>> Euro madness <<
Teenage life, take two
 

You might not be wildly impressed with the UK’s hopefuls this year, but the rest of Europe is really bringing its A-game.

* Finland is sending trance legend Darude (of Sandstorm fame)

* Iceland is currently toying with sending Hatari, a highly experimental electronicore act who look like a set of queerpunk Mortal Kombat characters

* But Belarus might take the biscuit. Remember when we sent Daz Sampson, the guy in his 30s who rapped about school and being a teen? Well he might be coming back if Belarus picks his song Kinky Boots.

If you’re British and get caught speeding on German roads by speed camera, they send you the letter in English. A letter which begins ‘Dear Ladies And Gentlemen…’
>> Arrears in heaven <<
Slow hand; light fingers
 

We’ve been pretty successful in settling readers’ celebrity debts, but now we’ve been set our biggest challenge yet: a debt that stretches back 50+ years – with a bona fide superstar.

Our reader says she was in a café overlooking Richmond Bridge with her then-boyfriend, sat alongside a pre-fame Eric Clapton who was tucking into a coffee and sandwich. They sort of vaguely knew him, so when they saw he was patting down his pockets and claiming that he had no money to pay his bill, our reader felt happy shouting him the cash.

She handed him a ten-shilling note which he took, paid his bill with… and then pocketed the change for himself.

Half a century later and he’s still not coughed up, despite their paths crossing multiple times since. For shame, Eric Clapton. For shame.

FYI: Need a celebrity debt chasing? Email us hello@popbitch.com

Want an alternative to slushy shite Valentines cards? Then check these beauts out. Loads of funny & rude birthday cards and gifts as well. Save 25% with NOSLUSH25.
[Order at Brainbox Candy]
>> Hmmms <<
Otters, porcupines, monkeys
 

Want slippers that look like your pets?
[Marvel at Cuddle Clones]

Remember when people put Steve Buscemi’s eyes onto Hollywood starlets? Now they’re grafting his entire face onto them, DeepFake style
[Horrify yourself]

Baby porcupine eating a banana
[Watch on Twitter]

Fancy a stuffed otter?
[Check out this auction]

Or maybe you’d prefer a monkey rock band?
[Check out this other auction]

Weird Reddit project where artists paint each other holding their paintings
[See the whole tree on Github]

An oral history of Mark E Smith
[Read on Vice]

The weekend adventures of an iPad, stolen in Shoreditch
[Narrated on Twitter]

Thanks to: RJ, Pucci, KC, AM, AR, JD, DJ, BL, DL, TA, R, _______, K, weinerbalcony, P
Old Jokes Home
I got mugged by six dwarves last night.
Not happy.Still Bored?
This week’s Media Masters podcast is a conversation with Matt Murray, editor-in-chief at the Wall Street Journal – who gives an insider’s view of the economy, the current media landscape, and what it’s really like to work for Rupert Murdoch.
[Listen/Download at Media Masters]

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