Arrears In Heaven

Cate Blanchett’s latest play at the National Theatre features a rather arresting scene in which she straps on a dildo, lubes up and then slips a quick length to a man dolled up in women’s knickers.

And how have the critics been describing this dildo in print?

Quentin Letts of the Mail called it “vast”. Dominic Cavendish of the Telegraph said “sizeable”. Alice Jones of the i plumped for “big”. But Henry Hitchings of the Evening Standard? “Medium-sized”.

Attaboy, Henry…

How are they picking the line-ups at talkRadio these days? Are they just flinging darts at old copies of the TV Guide? They seem to be, as the hot and happening new pairing they’re currently considering for a primetime slot?

Kate Garraway and Jeremy Kyle.

Where many Hollywood stars resort to cosmetic surgery to keep themselves looking taut and youthful, which rom-com actress has come up with an ingenious natural alternative? She insisted that a recent sex scene she filmed be shot on a bed that was tipped up at a 45 degree angle, with matching tilted cameras, so that gravity pulled her boobs down (rather than apart, as happens when she’s flat on her back) to give them an on-screen effect of pertness.

Cheryl Cole has teamed up with our dear friends at the Devil’s own law firm, Carter-Ruck, to collaborate on an interesting new project. Together, they’re sending out spicy letters to journalists who write about her 2003 arrest for punching a toilet attendant in a nightclub in Guildford, telling them that they’re somehow in breach of the Rehabilitation Of Offenders Act 1974.

Sadly, their plan hasn’t quite worked out. Not only has the Guardian not taken down the interview she objected to, the Daily Mail has since run with a story about her hiring lawyers in an to attempt to airbrush her criminal past.

Ah, well. All’s not lost yet, Chezza. If you’re still dead set on using obscure laws to shut us all up, there’s a few other weird ones you could try?

[Read ‘Chimjunctions’ on Popbitch]

One month on, and we’re still not over that Bros documentary.

It’s hard to overstate the change that When Will I Be Famous? made to the lives of Luke and Matt Goss. As kids growing up, they explained their favourite toy was a single dart that they liked to throw into the air (and, occasionally, into each other) for fun.

Three months after their manager set them up with a joint account though, and the royalties for Famous started to pour in, the boys racked up an £18,000 charge almost immediately – on clothes and fur coats alone.

We could fill a slot every week with all the various whispers that go around about who David Beckham has been seen getting close to, but even people who usually know better are talking more seriously about this latest one.

It seems deeply unlikely to us that Brand Beckham would dissolve ahead of its 20 year anniversary, but seasoned media watchers are scouring reports for any clues they can find. Both about the Beckhams and about… Sienna Miller.

If you read our four-part series on the National Enquirer when we first published it 18 months ago, you won’t have been surprised to see just how tightly it is intertwined with the various Trump scandals that are currently unfolding.

There were a few good stories that we didn’t have space to include first time around, but now that Roger Stone has finally been arrested (and Michael Cohen can’t seem to stop squealing on Trump) we felt that the time was right to revisit them.

So this week we’re adding a fifth part to the series. One that takes in celebrity funeral crashers, a 73 year old stage-diver, Trump’s early attempts at poll-rigging, Playboy NDAs and an explanation of how the self-styled Ratfucker Roger Stone potentially stitched himself up – to save his own skin…

[Read ‘No Stone Left Unturned’]

It’s still early days, but Blue might have already secured the greatest brand partnership of 2019. The boyband are now officially signed up to front ads for Hull-based boiler company, Ideal Boilers.

Duncan James seems particularly delighted about it all, saying “We had never expected anyone to say ‘Your songs will work for boilers,’ but once we chatted through the concepts with the brand and our management, we were 100% on board.”

You might not be wildly impressed with the UK’s hopefuls this year, but the rest of Europe is really bringing its A-game.

* Finland is sending trance legend Darude (of Sandstorm fame)

* Iceland is currently toying with sending Hatari, a highly experimental electronicore act who look like a set of queerpunk Mortal Kombat characters

* But Belarus might take the biscuit. Remember when we sent Daz Sampson, the guy in his 30s who rapped about school and being a teen? Well he might be coming back if Belarus picks his song Kinky Boots.

We’ve been pretty successful in settling readers’ celebrity debts, but now we’ve been set our biggest challenge yet: a debt that stretches back 50+ years – with a bona fide superstar.

Our reader says she was in a café overlooking Richmond Bridge with her then-boyfriend, sat alongside a pre-fame Eric Clapton who was tucking into a coffee and sandwich. They sort of vaguely knew him, so when they saw he was patting down his pockets and claiming that he had no money to pay his bill, our reader felt happy shouting him the cash.

She handed him a ten-shilling note which he took, paid his bill with… and then pocketed the change for himself.

Half a century later and he’s still not coughed up, despite their paths crossing multiple times since. For shame, Eric Clapton. For shame.

FYI: Need a celebrity debt chasing? Email us [email protected]

Want slippers that look like your pets?
[Marvel at Cuddle Clones]

Remember when people put Steve Buscemi’s eyes onto Hollywood starlets? Now they’re grafting his entire face onto them, DeepFake style
[Horrify yourself]

Baby porcupine eating a banana
[Watch on Twitter]

Fancy a stuffed otter?
[Check out this auction]

Or maybe you’d prefer a monkey rock band?
[Check out this other auction]

Weird Reddit project where artists paint each other holding their paintings
[See the whole tree on Github]

An oral history of Mark E Smith
[Read on Vice]

The weekend adventures of an iPad, stolen in Shoreditch
[Narrated on Twitter]