Back To Fizzness

Remember a few years ago, when betting markets were offering more accurate forecasts on the outcomes of political events than pollsters? Well, we were welcomed back to our desk after a week off with this little bit of news from a well-known high street bookie.

Apparently they’ve noticed a very clear trend emerging in bets on the upcoming US election. Specifically, that around 90% of the ones they’ve taken in the last fortnight have been placed on a Trump victory.

Everything is fucked. What a thrill to be back!

Over the week we were away, we heard a lot of conspiratorial chatter about Boris Johnson having taken out a superinjunction to keep stories about an alleged infidelity out of the press. While his recent appearances in the papers have been inexplicably weird, word from legal circles is that there is no such injunction.

That would make sense from a practical standpoint, as Parliamentary privilege is one of the few things that can legally render an injunction moot (and Boris has no shortage of enemies who would gladly chance their arm). Also, any injunction granted in England and Wales would be unenforceable in Scotland where so many of his vocal critics live – so it seems like a pointlessly expensive way to start a fresh new scandal.

But it also squares neatly with the whisper network in Westminster that suggests Boris has been on better behaviour since one of his indiscretions came to Carrie’s attention last year. So there hasn’t been a need for one.

Yet.

An 80s popstar has recently turned to fans to help crowdfund his lifestyle – but would these devoted fans be quite so generous if they knew his mum won a jackpot sum on the lottery a few years ago, and their idol got a seven-figure slice of the pie?

Michael Fassbender and Alicia Vikander took a little holiday recently in Comporta, Portugal (aka the “Hamptons of Europe”) where they were spotted having breakfast in a café.

Getting recognised by a Popbitch reader was the least of their worries. More pressing was their waiter clearly recognised them too and buttonholed them for ages asking for advice on how to write screenplays.

He talked at them for a good long while, but our source says they listened attentively and gave him a lot of sincere sounding advice. Bless.

Ever since she set up her own wellness brand in 2014, a surprising number of Elle Macpherson’s interviews seem to hinge around just how happy, chilled and zen she is about the ageing process – particularly now that she uses her own line of health supplements (which always get an early namecheck in the copy).

Those on the accompanying photoshoots don’t get to see much evidence of this abundant happiness though. At a recent one, they instead had to deal with her throwing a huge strop when they presented her with the shots, demanding she be given control of all the retouching requirements.

If the production team behind the new Spitting Image series are looking for vocal talent, perhaps they could sound out Emily Maitlis?

We hear Maitlis does an excellent line in impressions. Before going live on Newsnight, we’re told she sits in make-up quietly doing note-perfect impersonations of the guests they have booked that night, guessing at what she thinks they are going to say.

Her particular strength? Impersonating Republican Americans.

Robson Green has been filming a new series about Hadrian’s Wall in which he walks the length of it, coast to coast. He’s a perfect choice for a show like that as it’s a part of the world he’s always been very fond of and likes nothing more than to show it off to friends.

On one visit to the nearby Roman Army museum a few years back, staff noticed him walking around with an attractive young lady checking out the artefacts. Just as he was leaving a member of staff asked if he was a taxpayer and, if so, would he be kind enough to let them claim Gift Aid on his visit.

He said he was and that he’d be happy to, but suddenly got a little sheepish when asked for his address, admitting to staff he’d rather not say as he didn’t want his wife finding out he was there with a “friend”.

Jeremy Hunt is getting roundly dunked on for claiming that the British people are crying out for the “fizz” and “excitement” of the workplace – which seems especially odd given all we’ve heard about his workplaces.

People who worked under Hunt at his former company Hotcourses remember the time that they were all dragged into a meeting to help boost productivity ahead of a big corporate deadline. They were already working 14 hour days for a meagre £14K salary. So what fizzy, exciting offer did Jeremy make them to energise them for the big final push?

They were each offered their choice of gift: a mousemat with the slogan “I [Heart] Hotcourses” printed on it; or a ceramic mug, emblazoned with the same.

After a few weeks off from it, we’re going to be picking up our daily service again with another short series of mini-issues while the country figures out exactly how best to frogmarch everybody back to Pret.

We’re not quite sure exactly what the next set will look like, but we’ll still have a short selection of stories, questions, quizzes and links each day to bring some of that government-mandated fizz and excitement back to your working week.

If you want to receive mini-issues on Mon/Tue/Wed/Fri as well as your weekly Thursday Popbitch, you’ll need to sign up to our dedicated daily list. You can catch up on the 100+ mini-issues we’ve sent out during the pandemic so far too.

[Sign up for the Daily Tonic]

The Rubberbandits have an unexpected late entry for pop tune of the summer
[Hear Waiting on YouTube]

An unexpected outcome of the pandemic? A renaissance in glory holes
[Read on Slate]

WAP: the 80s funk remix
[Listen on Bandcamp]

One of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s old Mercs is up for sale
[See on AutoTrader]

10 hip-hop samples from Eastern Europe
[Read on Calvert Journal]

A history of co-stars hating each other
[Read on The Ringer]

Michelle Gayle and Dana International are literary agents now
[Read on The Bookseller]

Local news of the week: hedgehogs v magpies
[See on Gloucestershire Live]

Real-time lightning tracker around the world
[Storm chase from your sofa]

Still Bored?
How many cats would it take to fully heat a home?
[Someone’s figured it out]