“I knew something was wrong when a little pretty white girl ran into a black man’s arms” – Charles Ramsey
“I’ve been watching these property programmes where they buy a new house, put a new kitchen in… it sounds a bit easier than playing snooker” – Ronnie O’Sullivan
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|_| |_| 09.05.13 ISSUE 641
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* Tom’s putting it out now
* Eurovision: Semi Final 1
* Charts: Daft Punk still no 1
>> Brand job <<
H&M pull it off
American size 12 model Jenny Runk is the face/body of Swedish H&M’s swimwear collection. The spin H&M is putting on this is that she has a “normal sized body”. Which is admirable. Though it is likely to be drowned out at home by the fact that, in Swedish, “runk” translates as “having a wank”.
The invitation to Tamara Ecclestone’s three-day engagement party is a daisy chain of five butterflies.
>> Weave got tonight <<
Beyonce’s hair-planed scheme
Nice to hear that it’s not just us mere mortals who have trouble with luggage on airlines. British Airways accidentally sent Beyonce’s hair to Brussels, instead of Budapest. B’s hairdresser had to be flown to Brussels to seek it out and return it in time for the gig.
Top 5 album chart next Sunday will be an MOR fest: with Hugh Laurie, Alison Moyet, Lady Antebellum and Caro Emerald.
>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week
Colleagues of which radio DJ describe conversations with her as “like talking to a paper bag”? Sounds like she needs to spice up her small talk.
Sacre bleu! The french expression for pedant is best of all! “Enculer les mouches”, which means “to sodomize flies.”
>> Metal Mickey <<
A dark side of Disney
What’s going on at family-friendly Disney? The music in the trailer to Monsters University is Motley Crue’s Kickstart My Heart. A song about the time Nikki Sixx was left clinically dead after an overdose until a paramedic managed to revive him with an adrenaline shot.
Once, you’d think it was just coincidence. But what’s the music promoting their other big release, Planes? It’s More Human Than Human, by White Zombie: “Read the fucker lies, yeah / Scratch off the broken skin / Tear into my heart / Make me do it again yeah” etc.
Nominative Deteriminism Down Under: the Commercialisation Manager of the Meat and Livestock Corporation of Australia is Duncan Veal.
>> Tom’s putting it out now <<
Drinking with Ray Harryhausen
“RIP the Ray Harryhausen. Back in the early 80’s Tom Baker made contact with Ray via a friend. Tom would stop over at Ray’s place in Kensington, and both would get shitfaced on good brandy until Ray’s wife, Diana, banned Tom after he weed in their fireplace.”
NB writes: “My friend ordered stuff from her local garden centre this week and it was delivered by Michael Barrymore. Apparently he looked a bit embarrassed.”
>> Eurovision 2013 <<
What to watch for in SF1
The party’s started in Malmo. Eurovision 2013 is underway, with two semi finals next week. Here’s what to expect in Tuesday’s:
* Vote Montenegro! Dubstep, Balkan rap, dressed up as astronauts, dry ice, singer dressed like the borg… come on!
* Battle of the Ballads: Russia and Ukraine are probably the pick of the gazillion ballads this year, but Ukraine wins for us as they have a real giant on stage.
* Denmark are huge favourites with the bookies. It’s memorable but we find it irritating.
* Netherlands – VERY Lana del Rey
* Ireland’s got oiled up semi-naked dancers. But watch out – Gareth Bale’s trademarked that sign now:
* Lithuania – our favourite Euro lyric so far this year: “Because of these shoes I’m wearing today / One is called love / The other is pain”
* How cool are Sweden, Kleerup is the interval act!
Follow Eurovision Deepthroat in Malmo on Twitter (@popbitch) and read updates on popbitch.com
Zlatan Ibrahimovic is in the opening segment of the Eurovision final, welcoming viewers to his home city of Malmo.
>> Equality control <<
Finnishing what Tatu started
Finland’s Eurovision entry, Marry Me, is a Katy Perry-esque tongue-in-cheek number, sung by Krista Siegfrids, in a big wedding dress. She kisses her female backing singer on stage as part of the act, to protest at same-sex marriage being banned in Finland.
Things certainly have changed in Europe in the last decade. The first Eurovision we ever went to was in Riga, 2003, as guests of the Russian entry Tatu. The girls almost refused to go on when EBU bigwigs indicated they couldn’t do their trademark kiss on stage, saying “this is a family event and we would not allow anything to jeopardise that.” William Hill even offered odds of 4-1 that Tatu would be disqualified because of it. On the night the TV crew took no chances, and pulled the cameras way back from the girls, ready to cut away if there was any sign of lesbian love. There wasn’t any.
Fergie time was real: BBC found that on average, at home, Man Utd got an extra 79 seconds extra time when they were losing than when they were winning.
>> Popbits <<
Chris Malinchak’s delightful So Good To Me, no 2 in the midweeks, is going to be one of the big summer club hits.
Like much of New York DJ Malinchak’s work, it’s built around brilliantly chosen samples. This time it’s Soul II Soul and Marvin Gaye:
FYI: Tony Mortimer from East 17 has a solo album out next month. First single is called Shake It Down. Tony’s singing isn’t at all bad.
First Maggie dies, now Fergie retires. There’s a Scouser rubbing a lamp with one wish left…
>> Good sign <<
Doing it for the parents
Security staff at the venue in Dubai where Justin Bieber played were under instruction to take away any home-made signs off fans – to avoid anything inappropriate being displayed, presumably. This lead to a lot of tears and tantrums from little girls. We do, however, salute the little angel who managed to smuggle this sign in and wave it enthusiastically:
“Take Your Shirt Off Or I’ll Kill My Parents.”
Leveson lawyer Robert Jay has been made a high court judge. Which means he’ll now be referred to as Jay J.
>> Hmms <<
Farrah, Maria, truck
If you’ve ever wanted to lick Maria Sharapova:
Teen Mom Farrah’s sex tape is more popular than Kim Kardashian’s. Vivid got 2m visits on day one. Kim & Ray J’s only got 600k. Very NSFW clip here:
Sounds like the best university idea in the world:
Thanks to: Ol’ Sparky, JF, PR, TR, whitemaninhammersmithpalais, JH, OG, curlywurly, faykeorgasm, monstris, RVC, mount_st_nobody, OG
Old Jokes Home
Q/ What’s Black & White & Red all over?
A/ The work of Sergei Eisenstein.