Bestial Snorts and Intermittent Parps

America and Iran are kicking off, the Royal Family is imploding, Elon Musk and Grimes are going to be raising a kid. Even by modern standards, 2020 is off to a deeply weird start – so let’s ease our way into the year with something sweet and wholesome, shall we?

Kanye West was being a very supportive father over Christmas, especially to a bunch of kids that aren’t even his. He showed up to the Renaissance Academy in LA to watch the school’s annual holiday show (ambitiously titled “All Of Creation In A Teardrop”). He turned up alone, politely asked at the door if he could watch and sat attentively throughout.

By all accounts the show was incredible. Ye certainly thought so. The kids did such a good job that he was seen getting a little weepy at one point. Bless.

In response to the absolute pasting that Cats suffered in the press, most of the stars in it have gone to ground with barely a peep to be heard. Not Jason Derulo though. He was very keen to make sure that everyone knew that his bulge was digitally edited out of the final cut and that his crotch doesn’t normally look so flat.

It was no surprise really. Derulo has always been very protective of his bulge. A little too protective, arguably. Someone who filmed an interview with him for a kids thing a few years back remembers having to bin the entire reel because when they reviewed the footage they noticed his hand was down his pants the entire time, quite obviously squidging his cock.

Which Welsh MP, clearly disappointed with the national result, decided to take out their frustrations on the carpet at an official drinks event on election night? Having splashed a bit of their red wine on the office’s cream carpets, any pretence that it was an accident was lifted when a junior civil servant rushed over to clean up the mess – only to see the MP tip out the rest of their glass with a very affected “Ooops!”

If, after all that’s happened over the last 60-odd years, it ends up being the Mail On Sunday that tears the Royal Family apart? We don’t think we’ll ever stop laughing.

It’s not just that they printed Meghan’s supposedly private letter to her father last year (the incident over which she is currently suing). The Sussexes’ beef with the MoS goes way back.

Harry’s first big attack on the press in defence of Meghan came in November 2016, in which he spoke about the “racial undertones of comment pieces” being published. It was likely a reference to the columnist who had written in the Mail on Sunday two days prior that “the Windsors will thicken their watery, thin blue blood […] with some rich and exotic DNA.”

The author of those words? The sister of our current Prime Minister, Rachel Johnson!

Kudos to the Channel Five documentary “Britain’s Biggest Snorer” for going the extra mile with their subtitles. They easily could have overlaid the caption “[sound of snoring]” over most of it but, instead, they really went to town describing the various different types of snore featured for hard of hearing viewers.

Some highlights from the extensive list of descriptions included:

Deep Growling Huff

Guttural Ululating Snore

Honking Rumble

Sudden Oink

Intermittent Parps

Hearty Snuffle

Short Honk

Bestial Snort

Rattling Hoot

Contented Trumpeting

Uncomfortable Groans

and Violent Symphony Of Snores

It’s been clear for some time exactly whose career he’s trying to emulate. Cutting his teeth editing the Sun’s Bizarre section. Doing morning telly on ITV. Landing his own opinion column. Gunning for Harry and Meghan. Tweeting some tediously confected outrage about vegan food at this year’s Golden Globes.

He couldn’t be following the formula any more closely.

So Dan Wootton will no doubt be extremely flattered with his new office nickname: “Poundland Piers”.

Gary Barlow’s new documentary series about famous songwriters debuted on Radio 2 at the weekend and the first episode was a rare interview with reclusive Swedish pop supremo Max Martin.

It was interesting to hear Max talk, but we wonder if some wires got crossed somewhere. As Gary and Max were talking about Max’s early days, in a spot where it would have made perfect sense to play the Swedish singer Robyn’s 1997 song “Show Me Love” (which was co-written and co-produced by Max Martin), the song they played instead was American singer Robin S’s 1993 hit “Show Me Love” (which, erm… wasn’t).

[Hear the show – and hear Max talk!]

Last year we had a little run of celebrity narcolepsy stories. It started with Karl Lagerfeld dropping off in meetings. Then we had Danny Glover taking half-hour naps in the middle of interviews, Robert DeNiro snoozing in screenings and Big Narstie falling asleep during filming.

This one probably doesn’t quite meet the standard of ‘celebrity’ narcolepsy, but as Andrew Bailey has been announced as Mark Carney’s replacement as the Governor of the Bank of England: Andrew is also known for his habit of dozing off in meetings. So much so that it’s earned him a nickname at the FCA.

“Rock-a-bye Bailey”.

It was a big year for Mariah Carey breaking records. At the end of 2019, All I Want For Christmas snatched the record for Longest Journey To No.1 on the US Billboard chart: 25 years from initial release to the top spot.

Then last week, she got another. It became the first record in Billboard history to drop from No.1 right out of the Top 100 the very next week.

Mariah’s taken it all in good spirits and seems happy with the way things played out – but her fans (the ‘Lambily’ as they’re known) have been left fuming at her chart position in the UK. Mariah only managed to get to No.2 here (behind Ellie Goulding’s bizarrely successful Amazon-only exclusive) and the Lambs are now waging war on the people who compile the UK Top 40 – demanding to see the full workings-out that pushed River ahead of All I Want For Christmas.

We know it’s not best practice to negotiate in this sort of situation but can we please get Mariah Carey to No.1 next Christmas? The world is already close enough to the brink without enraged Mariah fans taking to the streets…

The frostiness of Yvette Fielding’s ‘tribute’ aside, it seems as if a lot of Derek Acorah’s celebrity pals thought very fondly of him and his readings. Some even went so far as to re-organise their lives around what he told them. (We seem to remember that Linda Barker was one of them but if Derek could send us a sign to confirm that, that would be great.)

One Popbitch editor had a reading done by the man himself at a Living TV event many moons ago. It turned out to be absolute nonsense and entirely wrong but, in fairness to Derek, he did at least try to answer their most pressing question: if he knew were Maddie McCann was.

The message that Derek relayed was “Something will be found – an item – that will explain everything.”

Before his publicist quickly bundled them out of the room.

Toyah Willcox and Paul Danan are starring in a horror movie together
[See the trailer]

Is this disgraced 24 year old social media star trying to rebrand himself as a 16 year old on TikTok?
[A wild story from the New Statesman]

Want to experience life as Katie Price in her imperial phase?
[This AirBnB is for you]

One of Derek Acorah’s weirder moments
[Channel Michael Jackson]

Erasure’s Andy Bell turned down sex with an alien?
[Read on Attitude]

Nice visualisation of Premier League club wages from start until now
[See on Flourish]

Lemmings, Dizzy and Sensible Soccer stamps
[See on Royal Mail]

Still Bored?
If you missed last week’s Media Masters it was a chat with another Lord: Lord Michael Grade – who talks about his five decade career in television and his involvement in Live Aid.
[Listen/Download at Media Masters]