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Forget the politicians, come and listen to someone who actually understands economics. Author of Freakonomics, Stephen J Dubner is in London for a lunchtime talk on 27th May. 10% off tickets with code POPBITCH:
http://bit.ly/1QmV3uo
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“I’ve learned that Parliament is not a person” – Joey Essex
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|_| 07.05.15 ISSUE 737
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* Bumper Election Special!
* Fannies and arseholes!
* Charts: Wiz K/OMI for No. 1
>> For Richard, for poorer <<
It’s the great UKIP bake sale
Richard Desmond is UKIP’s most famous donor – and, like any good businessman, he never misses an opportunity to make a quick buck.
After the birthday party he threw for his daughter this year, Desmond saw that there was quite a lot of celebratory cheesecake left over.
So he had it taken to the Northern & Shell canteen, cut it up into slices, and sold it on to his staff.
Nigel Farage has a weird hatred of Dexy’s Midnight Runners.
>> Fannies and arseholes <<
Westminster’s full of them
As we’ve mentioned before, the word ‘faraj’ (pronounced ‘farage’) means ‘vagina’ in Malay but poor old Nige isn’t the only one who has to endure titters when introduced to foreign dignitaries.
Whenever William Hague has to introduce his wife (the lovely Ffion) to any French-speaking officials, there is often stifled giggling – for ‘fion’ means ‘arsehole’ in French.
Daryl Hall (of Hall and Oates) is married to George Osborne’s cousin.
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
The handsome protection officer assigned to Samantha Cameron was moved part way through this last parliamentary term. But why? (Someone watching a little too much House of Cards, perhaps?)
Which tabloid claims to have a tape of an anti-Islamic rant, recorded at the UKIP conference, which will make the recent threats from suspended UKIP candidate Robert Blay sound like a childrens’ party?
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ELECTION BETTING: Make the election less depressing by sticking a couple of bets on. Sign up here – bet a fiver, get 20GBP in free bets:
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>> Polling booth news <<
Taking elections seriously
Thanks to everyone for the early morning voting updates. From our entirely unscientific survey, here’s the top three names on the ballot papers.
3. Dick Wraith / Labour, Wombwell
2. Mike Hunt / UKIP, Braintree
and the winner:
1. Wayne Kerr / UKIP, Wombwell
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ELECTION PREDICTIONS: Know the result before the BBC! Download this Election Prediction App, made for Betfair by political betting specialists Grand Parade. Their US election app got that one spot on so keep this with you all day to stay ahead:
http://Get.GP/betfairelection2015
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>> Andy, clapped <<
Burnham’s not pro-Bono
When Andy Burnham turned up to a Stand Up For Labour comedy fundraiser in Hove, he and his entourage arrived in the middle of a set by a singer-songwriter. The following exchange was heard taking place, proving that politicians can talk sense when they want.
Burnham (to an aide): What’s he singing about?
Aide: He’s singing about Bono being a cunt.
Burnham: He’s got a point. And I’ve met him.
RIP Errol Brown, the artist Dave Lee Travis used to call “The Singing Malteaser”. Unless you believe in miracles, of course.
>> Labour of Love <<
No Coogan-Brand sex sandwich
Q/ What do Ed Miliband and Courtney Love have in common?
A/ Both have had Russell Brand and Steve Coogan clamouring to get into bed with them.
Q/ What’s the difference between Ed Miliband and Courtney Love?
A/ Unlike Courtney, Ed actually went back to Russell’s place…
FYI: Contrary to tabloid rumours back in 2006, Courtney merely bought Russell a cravat and went to a recording of one of his shows, deliberately fanning the kiss-and-tell headlines to get one over on Coogan – who’d just dumped her.
Q/ How do you upset Heather Mills?
A/ Nick Clegg.
>> Wiki tweaks <<
Fiddling on the internet
Any sensible politico would have used Grant Shapps as a lesson in what can happen when you cross Wikipedia users, but then Raheem Kassam is no sensible politico.
Nigel Farage’s right-hand man, Kassam was described by the Spectator as being a “wildly self-important figure.” He has had his Wikipedia page deleted three times as Wiki editors deem him not important enough, yet someone persists in trying to re-add it.
One moderator said, after the most recent deletion: “Vanity article, non-notable. If this wasn’t written by Mr Kassam himself, it is an elaborate prank to implicate him.”
FYI: Whatever happens in South Thanet, you’re definitely going to want to read Following Farage. Out next month, get it for a discounted 11.99GBP with code ‘popbitch’:
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School friends of Tristram Hunt say he used to be a Milkybar Kid. We’ve yet to see any evidence to back that claim up.
>> Name that goon <<
Who’s on the register?
How many times do the following names appear on the USA’s sex offenders register?
David Cameron: 8
Danny Alexander: 8
Michael Gove: 1
George Osborne: 1
Ed Miliband: 0
Nick Clegg: 0
Nigel Farage: 0
Natalie Bennett: 0
A journalist who peed next to Nigel Farage at the Conservative Party Conference a few years ago says he displays “choad-like qualities”.
>> Jeez, Louise <<
Mensch versus Milifans
Ever eager to jump to the defence of her boss, Rupert Murdoch, Louise Mensch found herself involved in a Twitter spat with the 17 year old girl at the head of the #milifandom earlier this week.
It was almost as if Louise had forgotten what it’s like to be a passionate young teenager.
Many Brit expats in Australia are complaining they didn’t get enough chance to make their postal vote. Their cards arrived… yesterday.
>> Dirty twix <<
An inside joke
One of the biggest scandals of this last Parliament saw Chris Huhne resign from the cabinet to serve a couple of months in prison.
The Telegraph chose to run an odd story about how Huhne had a hero’s welcome inside and how his fellow inmates treated him to a Twix.
However, being given a “Twix” in prison can have a very different meaning.
To quote Urban Dictionary: “A stinky Twix is when two males simultaneously insert their penises, side by side, into the anus of a third party, much like how a Twix has two bars side by side…”
Hacks at the UKIP conference were amused to see cash-for-questions star Neil Hamilton ask one of them “Do you have an expense account?”
>> What’s in a name? <<
Probably nothing…
* “David Cameron” is an anagram of “A Candid Mover”
* “Ed Balls” is an anagram of “Sad Bell”
* “Nigel Farage” is an anagram of “A Leering Fag”
* “Gideon Osborne” is an anagram of “Inbred Nose Goo”
* “Nicola Sturgeon” is an anagram of “Union Lost Grace”
* There are no anagrams of Nick Clegg
Philip Hammond started his career at Shenfield School, Essex. He was the part-owner of a mobile disco, alongside a DJ called Graham Norton.
>> Phoney behaviour <<
An Out Of Office message
David Cameron gained himself a bit of a reputation for shirking the debates and the trickier conversations of this election, but this is nothing new.
When he was a press officer for Carlton TV he used to pretend to be the cleaner when he answered the phone to someone he didn’t want to speak to.
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Can’t face the post-election mayhem without a glass of good wine in your hand? A Peter Lehmann Barossa wine dinner (six courses, seven wines) will sort you out. Tuesday 12 May, London. Call Planet of the Grapes on 020 7405 4912.
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>> Hmmms <<
Masks, goats, spam
Daniella Westbrook and Brian Harvey are back together – to fight phone hacking:
http://bit.ly/1EYZ04x
Where’s Nick Cave? Getting the Dr Seuss treatment:
http://bit.ly/1ERpeVo
Things getting crunched by industrial shredders:
http://bit.ly/1bzznvf
Labour “intolerant worthies and hashtagging wetters”:
http://bit.ly/1GZxBij
Did you all do World Naked Gardening Day last Saturday?
http://www.wngd.org
Amazing masks – perfect for any upcoming revolutions:
http://bit.ly/1P0NCM1
Martin from Gene wades in to the election:
http://bit.ly/1AGEvUX
Popbitch election watching – come join us in a great Holborn pub. (We’ve got one table left!)
http://bit.ly/1JsYSKy
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Thanks: O, philander, big_ben, JD, MH&KH, bobbifleckmann, deep_stoat IS, SG, abominablehoman, AC, danceswith mustelids, JS, bunkle – and to everyone who sent in a golden political oldie
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Old Jokes Home:
Have YOU had to walk 500 miles?
Were you advised to walk 500 miles?
YOU could be entitled to compensation.
Call the Pro Claimers NOW.
Still Bored?
Just in case the election hasn’t been horrifying enough, here’s a Nadine Dorries porn-a-like:
http://bit.ly/lRaqWp
