“Bring Me The Head Of Visual Merchandising!”

WhatsApp has been ablaze with rumours this week that Prince Philip has carked it. While it’s probably only a matter of time before that rumour finally comes good, we hear that Phil has been making every day count in the meantime.

Whispers from the Royal grounds suggest that he has three regular lady callers, and gets started on the drinking shortly after waking.

With apocalypse looming and the UK supposedly on the verge of lockdown, we are thrilled to report that Popbitch readers aren’t letting critical business slide in these difficult times. They are still keeping us up to date with regular sightings of Nick Cave.

HISTORIC NICK CAVE SPOT – HC writes:
“I live in Brighton round the corner from Nick and see him every now and then. The first time I ever saw him he was doing a slalom around some tiny orange traffic cones on a mini-Segway with his kids. The memory still brings me joy.”

RECENT NICK CAVE SPOT – CW writes:
“I was on a flight to Copenhagen with Nick Cave the other week. His carry-on bag is a black velvet tote with his initials on in gold sequins, surrounded by a starburst. It is very cool, as is he. Also, he had a surprising amount on his plate in the lounge. I didn’t have him down as a mini muffin man.”

If the travel industry gets its multi-billion bailout, which airline owner should maybe start by investing in a new pair of trousers – or at least a needle and thread? Thanks to a long torn seam in his regular pair, people in meetings have been treated to some rather unexpected views of his undercarriage.

Once upon a time, in a West London branch of Waterstone’s, a lady in a wide-brimmed hat popped in to ask if the Head of Visual Merchandising was about. The staffer on the till wasn’t entirely sure if they had one, so offered to help her out instead.

The woman went on to explain that she was a local author who walked past the shop every day and was wondering if they could maybe make her book a little more noticeable in the window as she liked seeing it when she passed by. “Mine used to face out,” she said, “but now it’s side on.”

At this point, the staffer realised they vaguely recognised the woman but couldn’t recall her name, so asked her to point out where her book currently was in the window display. It turned out that it was piled on its side with a couple of others in order to prop up another book that was now the one facing out.

As this local author clearly wasn’t David Jason, Anjelica Houston or Alex Ferguson, it left only one name in the pile. They were talking to Amanda Holden. And the book she was trying to topple?

“I Am Malala”.

During the last big market plunge in 2008, the credit crunch didn’t just hit traders in the City and suits in Canary Wharf. Media types took such a walloping that Soho cocaine dealers had to start selling by the half gram.

Things seem to be a little bit different this time around though. The rumoured threat of an imminent London lockdown has seen dealers instituting a 2 – and in some cases 3 – gram minimum to their customers.

Rachel Johnson’s new book comes out today and, like us, you’re probably wondering what information it contains about wang sizes in Westminster. Well, you’re in luck.

“Whenever I meet Kwasi I can’t help it. I remember what Amber Rudd had divulged at Tory party conference in 2018 in Birmingham as we walked together to the Spectator party about the full extent of her former squeeze’s… manliness. I contemplated Kwasi as we stood there, tourists and spads in suits with lanyards dodging around us, Amber’s words still sounding in my ears.”

FYI: She also says David Cameron used to call himself some variation of “cunt” every time he missed a shot at tennis.

For the last few weeks, we’ve been revisiting previous years in Popbitch history. This week would have seen us look back at 2008 – but we figured everyone has probably been reminded of it enough already, what with impending financial ruin facing everybody down.

So instead, we thought we’d offer up something more fun: a couple of other stories we heard in the course of sending out our new daily newsletter, which we started doing to entertain anyone who has unexpectedly found themselves working from home, or is stuck in self-isolation.

It’s been fun so far. Tuesday and Wednesday’s issues are up to read on the site if you want to catch up on it. There’s a great Tim Westwood tale in there.

[Read Daily Tonic #1: Hamsterkauf]

[Read Daily Tonic #2: Various Aquariums]

VL writes:
“Whilst working in Brighton for the Green Party as an intern in 2014, one of my tasks was to support Caroline Lucas MP in her quest to get blue plaques of historical note up in Brighton.

“Through some research they had identified that a building now being used as a café by the Clock Tower in Churchill Square was once the hub of all Suffragette planning – acting as a sort of HQ for the women’s movement.

“Who owned this monumental piece of feminist history in the present day? Whose ‘people’ did I have to email requesting their permission to put up said plaque?

“Peter Andre.”

AJ writes:

“I went to see The Fall in 2003 at a gig they were doing in the NY office of Chrysalis records. Mark E Smith kept waving in my direction and then eventually walked offstage to come over and give me a hug. It was 11am and he was sozzled. He whispered “Thanks for coming, John” then walked away again to finish the gig.

“I do really look like John Peel so it was sort of understandable. Except for the fact I was 23 at the time and Peely was in his 60s.”

Despite some pretty stiff competition, Gal Gadot and her chorus of quarantined celebs recording an iPhone singalong of Imagine is comfortably the worst thing to have happened this week
[It’s not even for charity]

Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy, played on a vibrator
[Inspiring]

DOS games you can play on your browser to kill time in quarantine
[Thousands of them]

If you want to make music, Korg and Moog have made some of their synth apps free
[More on Resident Advisor]

Fiona Apple in the New Yorker says she gave up gak after an “excruciating night” with Quentin Tarantino and Paul T Anderson. “Every addict should just get locked in a private movie theatre with QT and PTA on coke and they’ll never want to do it again”
[Read the full interview]

The house from The Godfather is up for sale
[$125m if you fancy it?]

An unfortunately named policeman accused of having sex while on duty…
[Sergeant Lee Cocking]

If you’re after a VPN to to protect your browsing over the coming weeks while you’re working from home, Cyberghost is offering Popbitch readers a cheap deal on their year-long plan – just £2.45 a month
[Take a look]

It’s a double dip recession.

Still Bored?
If your regular pub quiz has been cancelled, we’ve put together a Popbitch Popquiz Puzzlebook, made up of questions, activities and other rounds from our fortnightly Popbitch Popquiz – plus some exclusive extras. All perfect to complete under quarantine.
[Order your download here]