“Bye Bye, Mr Slinky”

Rather than take a week off for summer this year, we thought it might be a better use of our time to hand the Popbitch newsletter over to you, the readers.

Every week you glorious bunch of misfits send us all sorts of weird celebrity stories that we can’t always cram in. So this week, while we wait for silly season to blow over, we’ve gathered together some of the best correspondence we’ve received in recent weeks, recounting your various run-ins with the stars – both large and small.

If you’ve got any other stories to add to the mix, email us: hello@popbitch.com.

Otherwise, we’ll see you next week!

J writes:
“I totally missed the moment to tell you about the first and only time that Billy Steinberg and Tom Kelly met Madonna, some time after their song (Like A Virgin) had proven to be arguably the most important of her career.

“They went to a party because they’d heard she would be there, went up to her and said ‘Hi, Madonna! We’re Tom and Billy and we wrote Like A Virgin and we’ve always wanted to meet you.’

“Madonna said ‘Well, now you have.’ Then turned her back to them and continued her conversation.”

As the names dribble out for this year’s crop of celebrity reality shows, which one of them once marked the end of a rather unsuccessful ‘date’ by masturbating into the open boot of his car once he’d dropped her home?

L writes:
“At an aftershow awards ceremony in LA, two British filmmakers spotted Jack Nicholson standing outside, talking to a girl who was as beautiful as she was young. The producer decided he had to talk to him so, dragging his director friend behind him, he walked confidently up to one of the greatest film actors alive, stretched out his hand and introduced himself to Jack Nicholson by saying, ‘Hi Jack, my name’s [X] and I produced [X,Y,Z].’

“Jack was less than impressed to be disturbed. So, very slowly, he takes his cigar out of his mouth and turns to look very hard at this guy, while adopting that terrifying maniacal grin. “Well [X],” he says, in his most menacing voice. “That must be mighty fine for you.”

“It was so aggressive and so snarling, that his director friend looked down at the floor and muttered, ‘Oh god, I just want to slink away.’

“Jack slowly turned his psychopath smile to the friend to offer the parting shot: ‘Bye bye, Mr Slinky’.”

M writes:
“About 30 years ago Richard Curtis was a guest at my first wedding. The priest, an old friend of my husband, was newly ordained and ours was his first wedding. (Is this starting to sound familiar?)

“Poor Father Peter was understandably nervous and in his confusion managed to mix up our names. In trying to correct himself, he transposed two of my husband’s middle names which added to the hilarity among the largely alcohol-fuelled audience (he shared those names with a popular high-street offie at the time).

“Anyway, the one thing that is likely to remain in a memory of your wedding is the people who didn’t buy you a present – RC being the sole offender.

“(Groom’s side, naturally.)”

CG writes:
“Intrigued that Celeb Big Brother has included Hardeep Singh Kohli as their last minute replacement for Stormy. He was famously suspended by the BBC for inappropriate sexual behaviour, but the reason he never returned to the One Show was that there is a LOT more of that kind of thing in his background.

“He surprised one former colleague in his flat by appearing naked with his tackle covered by a bowl of cherries and asking them if they fancied one.”

SN writes:
“That bloody Steve Aoki. He DJed a music industry Xmas party we put on in New Zealand, and my boss and I were clearing band gear off stage so he could prance about more, when he goes ‘Are you from the music whatever?’

“We replied: ‘Yes, can we get you a drink or something?’

‘Get me a vodka!’

‘…a vodka and what?’

‘A BOTTLE OF VODKA!’

“Which he proceeded to drink about 1/3 of, spill 1/3 of and anoint the rest in/on the mouths/faces of arguably underage girls dancing.

“Dick.”

SS writes:
“Eight years ago I was asked to be on Take Me Out as TMO were struggling to find guys between 30 and 45. I was 35 at the time, single and not long out of a bad relationship. I thought ‘Why not?’

“So, I passed the audition and within a week was in Maidstone filming. I was not a fan of Paddy’s comedy or his media persona, but in real life he was bloody lovely. We got talking and I mentioned I worked over the river from ITV studios. He said we should have a pint next time he was in London. Typical bloke chat, etc.

“Fast forward to late March the following year. I get a call from an unrecognised number. ‘Alright, S! It’s Paddy. We’re at Dr Inks fuh’pint.’ I whizzed over the bridge, and Paddy and team were all having a drink. One of the runners came up and said he was glad I was here. Paddy had asked for my number as he remembered me working local. Paddy had put some money behind the bar, shook my hand, told me I was a ‘top lad’ and left pretty much straight away. He’s a lovely guy.”

LS writes:
“My friend worked on a photoshoot with Blue for a teen mag. Lee Ryan was three hours late for the shoot. When he eventually turned up he happily gave the excuse ‘Sorry. I had the shits, innit.'”

D writes:
“I arrived to film at Tracey Emin’s studio in the city off Bishopsgate. She was running late, so the PR chap kept us waiting for ages outside in the baking heat. Once I entered the building, it took a moment for my eyes to adjust. Emin had just returned from Brighton and there were cases everywhere. Due to the change in light conditions I couldn’t see where I was going and I kicked a large suitcase.

“It sprung open, releasing what I can only describe as a fine mist of thongs and dirty underwear all across the hallway. The PR, horrified, exclaimed, ‘We’d better get this cleaned up before her Emin-nence arrives.’

“I laughed thinking the moniker was a gag. From the look I was shot it didn’t seem to be.”

Best of luck to Pete Doherty in his new career as a Man v. Food-style competitive eater
[Read on Kent Live]

Korn songs played with corn
[Listen on YouTube]

This is what we pay the license fee for! Slow motion animals!
[Thanks BBC Earth]

A livestream of the London fatberg
[Watch on Museum Of London]

Jim Davidson’s latest tour is going well then
[Read on Devon Live]

Remember that dreadful electroswing Eurovision entry we sent in 2015? They’ve got a second single out…
[Hear on Spotify]

Old issues of Smash Hits from the 80s and 90s
[Read on Smash Hits Remembered]

Theme to Knight Rider played on the banjo
[Watch on YouTube]

In case you’re catching up on/after hols, this is a good summary of the Michael Cohen news
[Read on WaPo]

Mike Nesmith from the Monkees is into vaporwave now
[Read on Rolling Stone]