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“I grew up and I looked at my arse, and it got a bit bigger and I’m sexier now” – Rita Ora
“I’ve heard about people getting hurt for sneaker culture in the past. I just want everyone to be safe and be patient” – Kanye West
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|_| |_|12.02.15 ISSUE 725
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* Secret celebrity ambulances
* Vinnie Jones: Spanish teacher
* Charts: Ellie Goulding is no 1
>> Just Justin <<
The wookie monster returns
Justin Lee Collins makes a surprise appearance in the latest issue of FHM. Clearly hoping to do for Lilt what he did for Pukka Pad by giving it his personal seal of approval, JLC is singing the praises of the popular fizzy drink.
But he isn’t featured as a “once-famous TV presenter”. He isn’t even featured as “celebrity sexual madman”. No. Poor old Collins has been relegated to the voxpop pages as “Justin, 40”, a plain old “unspecified” London shopper.
Nasty Nick is no more! Big Brother’s Nick Bateman has commemorated his move down under by changing his name to Jack.
>> All NBC-ing eye <<
The Illuminati claims another
Brian Williams’ suspension from NBC News has had the tongues of US media gossips wagging. Some feel it’s unlikely that execs at NBC didn’t know that Williams was prone to exaggeration, and find it hard to believe that nobody had noticed he’d been telling lies about taking fire. So what’s the real reason for his suspension?
There are currently two rumours doing the rounds. The plausible one is that NBC wanted to be rid of BriWi but weren’t too keen on another network snapping him up. The more interesting one is that he has angered the Illuminati by refusing to flash their symbols live on air.
Mark Ronson’s Uptown Funk is thought to be making around $100k on Spotify alone every week.
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
Which Brit actor got a bit of a shock recently when he stumbled in on a kinky scene in the pub toilets? A strange man was sat in the urinals, absolutely drenched in piss, getting others to wee on him.
The actor respectfully declined to add to the load.
Tweet of the week, by @drofidnas “I bought my wife 50 Shades of Grey as an e-book to help re-Kindle our relationship.
>> Kate Goss <<
A stroke of luck
Nightclubs and members’ bars have really upped the level of service they provide to their A-list clientele in recent months. There was a time when all they’d offer you was a late license and a flat surface to snort your gak off. But nowadays…?
One high-profile venue really pulled out all the stops for a VIP at a recent star-studded fashion party when things turned a little Pulp Fiction. The combination of an ultra-discreet private ambulance service and an expensive PR contract has meant the story has been successfully kept out of the press for three months.
Unrelatedly, we hear Kate Moss’s appetite for a good night out remains undimmed.
It’s currently koala mating season. Anyone nearby should watch out for bellowing, their mating call.
>> Unfiltered <<
The voice of experience
One tabloid columnist decided to get stuck into the whole Myleene Klass debacle this weekend by starting off her column with this little gem:
“The age of social media is a mixed blessing – you can get your point across without a filter, but it can also lead you to make a damned fool of yourself.”
Whose wise words are these? Why, they’re those of serial foot-in-mouth tweeter… Louise Mensch!
Nom Dem of the week: The head of Smithsonian Institution’s Feather Identification Lab in Washington DC is… Carla J. Dove!
>> Selfie awareness <<
Clarkson’s potty mouth
Silver Fox writes:
“I saw Neil Young at Hammersmith Apollo… At the interval I shot from my seat for a slash, only to be beaten into first place in the bog by Jeremy Clarkson. His response to my request for a (post-slash) selfie?
“‘Oh, do fuck off!'”
Danny Alexander works out in the same “tiny, ill-equipped gym” as world-renowned beefcake Gordon Brown did before him.
>> You What Tube? <<
What the internet is for
Thorne Travel’s reign as champions of corporate video stardom is over.
Service is selling. And selling is service.
Vinnie Jones has launched a new series of online tutorials to teach Spanish to British tourists.
>> Popbits <<
Giraffes ahoy!
Petite Meller is an oddball French singer. Her new video has giraffes in it and it’s got a proper old house piano groove. What’s not to like?
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Quiz! Quiz! Popbitch! Quiz! And it’s in a chip shop. Next Thursday – 19 Feb. Come!
http://bit.ly/1DIvE7z
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>> Hmmms <<
Dogs, porn, pillows
Scope have produced some refreshingly different Valentine’s cards:
http://www.scope.org.uk/Cards
David de Gea and Fernando Alonso’s girlfriends have a pillow fight:
http://bit.ly/1DIHLDQ
On-demand relationship advice from idiots:
http://hetexted.com/
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Thanks: ML, JS, GA, RM, JG, H, aye, SG, soapyhanderton, LH, JS, The Silver Fox of Caversham, JS, deep_stoat
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Old Jokes Home:
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but his paintings of lesbians fingering goats are truly amazing.
Still Bored?
Who said what? Celebrity chat-up lines puzzle:
http://bit.ly/1E3zU1C
