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“We don’t like to confront rumours” – Khloe Kardashian
POPBITCH _ _ _ _
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|_| |_ 09.02.17 ISSUE 818
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Email stories hello@popbitch.com
* Nigel Farage’s tour of Europe
* Becks degrees of separation
* Charts: Ed Sheeran still No. 1
>> RIP TP-T <<
The weekly obituary
Much like Prince William no doubt is, we are flying at half-mast here at Popbitch upon hearing of the untimely death of Tara Palmer-Tomkinson.
Tara held a very special place in PB history, for it was at the launch of her jazz album that two of our editors had their first date. And despite the fact that the album was bad, the bar wasn’t free and the only celeb in attendance was Vanessa Feltz – it was a huge success. (They’ve been happily married for years.)
So whatever else you can say about TP-T, she certainly had a knack for making pedestrian events memorable, as another reader fondly remembers:
“I was a celebrity seater at the MOBOs in 1998. A startled Tara Palmer-Tomkinson staggered towards me. After babbling for five minutes, she made me feel her tits – twice – then asked me if I could go and get her a packet of fags.”
Tara P-T once interrupted a bland bout of doggy-style sex by turning and asking “I say, you couldn’t take it up a notch, could you?”
>> Come on, Tim! <<
Clearing up old business
Someone who went to school with Tim Henman has been trying to remember what nickname they gave him as kids. They’re pretty sure it was something to do with wanking and ejaculating swiftly, but can’t remember if it was “Quickshot”, “Fizzyfist” or something else similar.
Whatever it was, it seems that Tim’s history of knocking out early extends beyond Wimbledon.
FYI: Do you know what Tim’s nickname was? hello@popbitch.com
Congrats to Popbitch’s favourite northern news editor, Wayne Ankers. Mr W Ankers has been promoted to editor of the Huddersfield Examiner.
>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking?
Which transatlantic TV star lost out on a big part after he was caught being rather indiscreet with two prostitutes?
(Still, his loss was Richard Armitage’s gain…)
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>> Choad trip <<
Farage’s tour of Europe
Non-denial denial of the week goes to Nigel Farage who, when asked if he had ever slept with the French politician living with him in Chelsea, gave this not-at-all-defensive response:
“I’m not answering ludicrous questions like ‘Have you ever held her hand?’ ‘Ever had dinner with her?'”
We’ve always known that Farage wasn’t a particularly committed European, but having left his Irish first wife for a German second wife who, in turn, he has left for a French live-in lady – we didn’t realise quite how far his attitude of fuck ’em all extended.
Alicia Douvall in Closer this week, says her fling with Simon Cowell was “…just like Fifty Shades lothario Christian Grey!” (What, fictional?)
>> BeckiLeaks <<
Goldenballs is small fry
Despite what the desperate spin has claimed, Beckham and his advisers were not blackmailed about those leaked emails. The much more prosaic truth of it all is that Beckham is merely collateral damage. The attack on Simon Oliveira’s emails at Doyen Global was a small part of a wider attack on the parent company, Doyen Sports.
The people leaking the emails are trying to blow the whistle on the dodgy web of financial deal-making that is starting to strangle football; Beckham’s sweary emails are a side-dish.
This isn’t to say he shouldn’t be concerned about what other incriminating things might be in the Doyen Global email cache, of course – but he has no more reason to be afraid than any of Doyen Global’s other clients who have spent a great deal of time, money and effort on cultivating a very particular public image.
You should take a page out of Liam Payne’s book, David. Does he seem worried?
“If I was American I would of got [a knighthood] 10 years ago” – David Beckham
>> Trump that <<
Becks degrees of separation
Gong-obsessed footballer David Beckham is repped by…
Simon Oliveira of Doyen Global – whose parent company, Doyen Sports, is run by Kazakhstani businessman…
Arif Efendi – whose Dad is the real estate developer…
Tevfik Arif – the ex-business partner of…
The pussy-grabbing President of the USA… Donald Trump!
Ex-Liverpool player Daniel Agger moved to Brondby. His contract demands a pitchside advert for his sewage firm, Kloagger, eight times in every home game for 27 seconds.
>> The Art of War <<
Sun Tzu vs The Sun
As the Sun park their tanks on the lawn of Beckingham Palace, you can be sure that what we’ve just seen is a tactical early skirmish.
Word around Fleet Street is that the Sun has been looking into some other interesting Beckham-related stories, and this has given them the perfect excuse to try to cast a bit of doubt about his public image.
Which might help explain why they were so keen to shit-stir about Katherine Jenkins (surely the Sun journos hadn’t forgotten about her little Twitter outburst back in 2012 when she tweeted about how she and Beckham hadn’t had an affair?)
The one hanging question left is: Why do they keep using a seemingly unconnected picture of Beckham with Priyanka Chopra to illustrate the story?
Brooklyn coffee shop Extraction Lab sells cups of coffee for $18. (It’s a rare Ethiopian arabica bean grown in Panama, if you’re interested.)
>> Golden Handshake <<
Gascoigne versus Manning
Further to the Neil Wallis pissy paws story of last week, someone who worked at Granada TV studios in Manchester in the 70s tells us that Neil is in good company: Bamber Gascoigne would also leave the toilets without washing his hands.
But even more surprising was their report that, in sharp contrast to Bambi, Bernard Manning would “meticulously moisten, lather, rinse and dry his chubby mitts”.
Curse Of The Print Deadline: Beyonce announces she’s pregnant with twins just before the National Enquirer’s cover “Beyonce and Jay-Z $1 billion divorce” hits the stands. Oops.
>> Party poopers <<
Down underwhelming
The 90s Pop Party is touring Australia at the moment and, on paper, it boasts a pretty impressive line-up: B*Witched, East 17, S Club, Atomic Kitten, Liberty X.
Sadly, in practice, things aren’t quite going to plan. B*witched are performing as a Lindsay-less trio – and that’s the smallest hole on the bill.
Atomic Kitten was supposed to be Kerry and Natasha, but Kerry’s off sick, so Natasha has had to rope Michelle from Liberty X in to pull a double shift and play understudy.
S Club was supposed to be S Club 3, but Jo’s in hospital with a “strangulated bowel” so it’s now just Bradley and Tina.
Neither of East 17’s singers are there (it’s just John and Tewwy with added Robbie Craig) and Liberty X is now a girl band, who do a two-song set that is over in 10 minutes.
Gruesome Twosome: Tom Jones and Priscilla Presley. No doubt bonded over a shared love of talking about their relationship with Elvis.
>> Peter panned <<
What a load of rubbish
Valentine’s brings out the best in celebrity/PR tie-ins, and this looks like the one to beat for 2017:
“With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, now is the time to fall in love with a beautiful, new, red bin from specialist retailer Binopolis and give your home a seasonal update in the process. The design-led, red, freestanding bins available from Binopolis include the superb Spaceboy XL Wesco bin, which looks stunning in pop star and TV personality Peter Andre’s cinema room.”
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An iPhone app that lets you attach tags and reminders to the to-do photos you lose in your photo stream. Created by a PB contributor, try PIFL (Park It For Later) for 99p http://apple.co/2kWMsHO
10 free downloads for the most irreverent acronyms of PIFL you submit to iheartpifl@gmail.com
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>> Hmmms <<
Otters, a-ha, yodelling
“What exactly does “the funk of 40,000 years mean?” asks MJ lawyer:
http://bbc.in/2k6URJv
Like last week’s Romanian yodellers? Wait until you hear them do it live!
https://youtu.be/guScYa18BD4
Nice to see Andy Coulson pitching for Beckham’s PR business:
http://bit.ly/2kqhgNO
Fascinating look at how Russian engineers have hacked casino slots:
http://bit.ly/2lnPsOl
Excellent pen industry nominative determinism:
http://bit.ly/2k70tDt
Help Darth Putin’s parody account stay afloat:
http://bit.ly/2ls4M8u
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Thanks to: NB, anon, SK, AM, VK, SW, SG, danceswithmustelids, SD, D, JO, DL, bucked off, deepstoat, honk, thebominablehoman, AP
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Old Jokes Home:
Q/ How do Mexicans feel about Trump’s wall?
A/ They’ll get over it.
Still Bored?
Make your own mash-ups of the 00’s greatest hits:
http://themagicipod.com/
