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Make your own old skool 90s rave with the Ravebox iPhone app! “Best app ever” says Judge Jules. Get your whistle and white gloves out and download it here.
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“If you don’t believe that big companies should become verbs, then you should Google it” – will.i.am
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|_| |_| 25.09.14 ISSUE 708
Free every week: subscribe here
To send stories email: hello@popbitch.com
* Llama parties!
* Corporate arseholes!
* Charts: Jessie/Nicki/Ariana no 1
>> bell.e.nd <<
Smartwatch the throne
will.i.am’s twattery continues. He performed at a Salesforce Conference in Indianapolis this week, and all of the reports talked about how he played tracks off his new smartwatch and how there was a flood of tweets proclaiming him a genius. None of the reports mentioned what our spy in the audience told us, however – that the whole thing broke down several times (as did his Mac) to which will.i.am “giggled like a simpering fool”.
Reports also missed much of his interview on stage by Silicon Valley powerhouse Marc Benioff, where he burbled so much that several senior execs were open-mouthed and asking if they should be calling an ambulance.
FYI: Illuminati watchers, take note. Will was carrying a backpack shaped like a pyramid.
An anagram of Tinchy Strider is… Dry Shit Cretin.
>> Curly tale <<
Chinese Cumberbitches
Sherlock is massive in China, and they’re all crazy about Benedict Cumberbatch. The only problem is that no-one can pronounce his name. So they’ve come up with a nickname that even the TV announcers and listings mags use.
Curly Holmes.
Only, they can’t pronounce Holmes either, so they’re calling him ‘Curly Holl-Mez’ instead.
Chesney Hawkes is in a skateboarding gang with Justin Lee Collins and Craig Charles.
>> Big Questions <<
Who is asking what this week
Guests at one of Bryan Adams’ recent parties got a surprise surprise when they walked into the kitchen to find which personality getting fingered by a toyboy?
David Cameron is said to be eyeing up a villa in the Niccone Valley, on the Umbria/Tuscany border. Sounds purrfect.
>> Tax That <<
Loving Jason Orange
Today’s announcement that Jason Orange has followed Robbie Williams out of Take That means that just the core tax-dodgers are left. A few reports are skirting the issue, but here’s the timeline most sources are leaving out.
2009 – Jason Orange, in Q Magazine, “I’ve made us bank with the Co-op because it’s ethical. I worry. I want us to stand for good things as well as be a brilliant band.”
2012 – Gary Barlow first linked with aggressive tax avoidance.
2014 – Barlow, Owen and Donald all linked with tax avoidance. Orange quits Take That. Take That issue a statement saying “We first became aware of Jason’s reservations a couple of years ago.” (i.e. 2012)
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>> Llama party <<
Giving the kids what they need
Poor old Ed Miliband’s conference speech got a slating this week. We suggest that rather than just copying Lib Dem tax policies he instead takes inspiration from New Zealand’s Civilian Party, which got 187 votes in their elections last weekend. They were running on a platform of reducing child poverty by giving each poor child a llama.
Their full policies list here:
http://thecivilianparty.org.nz/full-policy-list/
BBC’s James Landale at the Labour Party Conference, in suit, tie… and Crocs.
>> Appy talk <<
Popbitch Magazine OUT NOW
The latest issue, available for your smartphone or tablet, includes:
* The Jacksons take the Isle of Man
* How the US Supreme Court killed modern cinema
* Thong munching dogs of Rotherham
* When Russell Brand met Adam Curtis
* Danny Dyer’s Pwoper Gaffs
And much more, for only £1.49:
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Trainspotting pt.1: Johnny Marr, in Euston’s first class lounge, quietly eating a pasty.
>> Corporate arseholes <<
The latest in a shitty series
Last Friday, an email went round the company from Saatchi’s Operations Director.
“Subject: Behaviour
“To the person who crapped all over the floor in the client toilets last night and just left it for someone else to clean up – you should be very very ashamed of yourself.
“We know who you are as we have you on CCTV.
“I hope your hangover is truly hideous.”
Brian de Palma’s film Mission to Mars: $100m
India’s actual mission to Mars: $75m
>> K-whole again <<
Another Atomic Kitten wedding
Kerry Katona became Kerry Katona Kay last week. Happily, the wedding wasn’t derailed (as feared) by husband George’s recent arrest and detainment under the Mental Health Act. Happiest of all were OK! who otherwise would have been left with 18 empty pages to fill.
Here are KKK’s best quotes:
* On her outfit
“I’ve had an angel sewn into my dress next to my heart. That’ll be my nan looking down on me.”
* On Scott from 5ive and Anthony from Blue
“George has a genuine love for them. Not in a gay way.”
* On her (and Brian McFatten’s) daughter Lilly’s career aspirations:
“She told me she wanted to be a journalist. I said, ‘I don’t think so, sweetheart!'”
Trainspotting pt.2: Tim Westwood, first class, Virgin train, “loudly saying ‘tim at timwestwood dot com’ to whoever was on the other end of the phone”.
>> Polls apart <<
Salmond’s bad intelligence
Popbitch last week: “The betting exchanges suggest an 8-10% win for the No campaign in Scotland. If, once again, this is right and the media are wrong, will anyone have the decency to look embarrassed?”
Er… no. They didn’t.
But if the hacks should be embarrassed, what about the politicians? A quick look at Betfair (or a closer read of their copy of Popbitch) should have told them what to expect. Instead we have David Cameron telling Michael Bloomberg he wanted to sue the pollsters and, according to a great piece in Daily Record, Alex Salmond had it even worse. His pollsters told him he would win 54-46. Hence the dismay and resignation afterwards.
The head of ICM said “This referendum has the potential to be a polling Waterloo… the best that we can, as an industry, hope for is that we dodge the bullet.”
Well, they did. And it seems poor old Alex caught it right in the heart.
More:
http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/politics/revealed-secret-opinion-poll-convinced-4313922
Big Brother Tourette’s hero, Pete Bennett, is now a Greenpeace chugger. He’s got a green Mohican to match his charity tabard.
>> Hmms <<
Cocks, yobs, hacks
Best named cock theft in Reading
It’s not just Bastille, everyone loves Rhythm Is A Dancer
Letter of the week
Jimmy Bullard’s risible management company are now managing parody Twitter accounts
“Once, credibility was the linchpin of journalism. Today…it’s an afterthought”
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