Disrespecting The Wu-Tang

Homelessness never takes a holiday – so Connection at St Martins is looking to help rough sleepers off the streets before winter. You can help too. Want to find out how?

[See what you can do with The Connection]

“Some of the celebrities we had on the show I didn’t actually recognise at first. There are so many now. So many celebrities” – Len Goodman

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Email stories to us hello@popbitch.com

* Martin Shkreli: Snakedick

* Pamela Anderson: DrippyLeaks

* Charts: Dua Lipa/Pink/Calvin for No.1

>> Summer leavin’ <<

Ring-rang-a-dong for a holiday

Hello! We’re taking a week off next week for our summer holidays.
As soon as we’re back, we’ll be in touch with everyone who donated to our last appeal to say a proper thank you and to furnish you with details about a wake party for the Popbitch messageboard (so there’s still a chance for you to get in on that action).
We’ll be back on August 31st – just in time to honour Lady Diana Spencer, Princess Of Hearts (if you have any tributes you’d like to send us?)
In the meantime, please enjoy this light, summery and almost-entirely-Nazi-free edition…
See you soon!

pb x

Of all the secrets that David Davis’s former chief of staff has been spilling recently, the most disturbing is that Davis takes six sugars in his tea.

>> Dananarama <<

Your weekly dose of Danan

Appearing at the “LET’S GET THIS FUCKING PARTY STARTED, YOU FUCKERS!” prom night party was not the only time that Paul Danan has made his presence felt in Durham.
There are those who remember the time that Danan did some modelling work for Durham Fashion Week in 2013. He made quite an impression on the rest of the models and designers in the changing area. In part because he was fond of giving rousing speeches to everyone before the show – then enthusiastically repeating his mantra over and over: “LOVE WHAT YOU DO!”

John Galliano’s instructions for all drinking water: Must be Evian with a single lemon slice, cut to exactly 4mm, squeezed once, then dropped in.

>> Big Questions <<

Who’s asking what this week?

Which TV host and comedian insists that he doesn’t use writers, but quietly encourages any member of staff who comes up with a good joke to write it on a scrap of paper and then slip it into his bag while he’s out of his dressing room? (It’s a fruitful way of working. He can sometimes get whole scripts out of what he finds in that bag.)

Clay Aiken: “Remember all those times I defended @realDonaldTrump and believed he was not actually racist? Well… I am a fucking dumbass.”

>> Double curses <<

It ain’t easy being Green

Seems that the curse of Geri Halliwell bites harder than we first thought. Not only has Geri’s former manager, Phil Green, just lost his big client of the moment (the kidnapped model, Chloe Ayling) he’s been struggling to find his remaining clients the sorts of jobs they’re really after too.
Someone who joined Phil’s roster on the promise of movie roles was offered, after just a few days, some alternate work. They were asked to appear on Phil’s no-frills webcam wank site, Glamour Lounge Live.

Dua Lipa is currently number one in the midweeks. If she’s still there tomorrow, it will be the first female solo UK number one in almost two years.

>> 1,200 angry men <<

“He looks like a dick”

Hundreds of potential jurors were dismissed from the recent trial of pharma bro Martin Shkreli, but now a transcript of some of the jurors’ excuses has surfaced – and they’re priceless.
When the court asked citizens if they could be fair and impartial when hearing Shkreli’s case, they said:
JUROR NO.1: I’m aware of the defendant and I hate him.
JUROR NO.52: When I walked in here today I looked at him and, in my head, that’s a snake — not knowing who he was. I just walked in and looked right at him and that’s a snake.
JUROR NO.144: I don’t think I can because he kind of looks like a dick.
JUROR NO.59: He disrespected the Wu-Tang Clan.
You can see more of their excuses here

[Read on Harpers]

POPBITCH POPQUIZ – Tuesday 5th September. Join us for London’s most raucous pub quiz. Gossip, trivia, games and the perviest playdoh sculpting you’ll ever be asked to do. Smiths of Smithfield, 7:30pm, £5 per person.

[Book your team in here]

>> DrippyLeaks <<

Pammy’s in lurrve…

It must be difficult to enjoy a normal relationship when your sweetheart is voluntarily detained in the Ecuadorian Embassy, but it’s nice to see Pamela Anderson and Julian Assange giving it the old college try regardless.
To keep things traditional, Pammy has been writing Julian romantic poetry. Her most recent ode reads:
As for Romance

How impossible it is to

have feelings for

Someone completely

Unavailable

Not because of his heart

But his circumstances

Constantly under threat

Threatened to be killed
Sadly, Assange’s usual trick (making spaghetti bolognese on his single hotplate) won’t work on Pammy, on account of her being vegan. Which is probably just as well, because the ambassador has prohibited Jules from cooking with onion or garlic because of the smell.

According to the New Yorker, the four girls’ names whose popularity dropped the most drastically in 2016 were Caitlin, Caitlyn, Katelynn, and Kaitlynn.

>> Back for Moore <<

Here’s story number two

As we mentioned a few weeks back, Michael Moore is infamous among certain theatre crews for his habit of taking long, unhurried dumps while the curtain is waiting to come up on his live shows. Now it seems he’s taken to letting a load of old shit loose on stage too.
The Terms Of My Surrender got a pretty comprehensive pasting in its New York Times review this week, with the critic saying “what is dispiriting is that many of the targets, however deserving, are so old and obvious.”
There’s a very simple explanation for that though. It’s because the majority of this new show’s material is lifted wholesale from a show he did at the Camden Roundhouse in late 2002. Fifteen years ago.

Nominative Determinism Of The Week: Appointed to become the next police chief of Portland, Oregon… Danielle Outlaw!

>> Ass madness <<

Was Suggs stitched up?

It’s V Festival this weekend, which means we must be coming up on the anniversary of one of pop’s strangest beefs: Madness v Calvin Harris.
Lee from Madness called Calvin a prick on stage at V after an earlier incident at Camp Bestival where the two acts butted heads and Madness ended up locking Cally in a portaloo.
It’s always been thought that the toilet incident was unprovoked, but was it? We heard the Nutty Boys may have acted in retaliation, after discovering Calvin’s plans to prank them by rearranging the huge illuminated MADNESS letters on stage to spell D ASS MEN.

Bonnie Tyler is performing Total Eclipse Of The Heart during the solar eclipse on Monday. On a cruise ship.

>> Oh, brother <<

Celebrity lecher sketch

JD writes:

“Howard Jones’ brother was a bit of a notorious lech in my hometown. He offered drum tuition so us girls at the local paper used to call him sometimes to offer him a bit of ad space and he’d make comments about how he’d just bought some lovely silk bedsheets and we should come and try them out.”He’d say things like ‘I bet you’re a right sexpot, aren’t you?’ and once told me I had a voice like early Madonna. I then saw him in a clothes shop in town and recognised his voice and had to hide in the changing rooms until he went away.”
Seduced by a celebrity’s relative? hello@popbitch.com

Eurovision rumours: The Czech delegation’s head of press resigned this week, saying “I really don’t know if the Czech Republic will participate in 2018”.

>> Baboon v Badger <<

A Love Island update

In our sporadic but unending quest to find out who celebrities think would win in a fight between a baboon and a badger, someone put the question to Chloe Crowhurst off of Love Island.
Her answer? She thinks a baboon would win out – which puts her on the same side as Sophie Ellis-Bextor, Alastair Campbell and all three of Cleopatra.

This week’s Media Masters podcast: Jenny Afia – a media and privacy law specialist from our old pals Schillings. Jenny gives her side on the celebrity injunction story and talks about difficulties in the evolving world of online privacy.

[Listen/Download on Media Focus]

>> Hmmms <<

Otters, Pooh, bellends

Otter doughnuts

[See on Twitter]Flowery mugs with hidden penises

[See on Dude I Want That]
Karma for donkey rapists

[See on The Mirror]
Want to hang out with raccoons or meerkats?

[Screech Owl Sanctuary]
At least someone managed to sneak ‘bellend’ into their Big Ben headline

[Read on The Register]
Vice’s coverage of the Charlottesville rally is chilling, but excellent, viewing

[Watch on VICE]
A blissed-out dream-dance track made of Winnie The Pooh samples

[Listen on YouTube]

Thanks to: MT, KS, MT (2), PH, JD, DV, yama, BW, PW, JBB, DJ, AJ, Iron Sheik, deep_stoat, hoskas

Old Jokes Home:

A bluebottle flies into a bar.

He doesn’t have a drink, but he does take a stool.Still Bored?

We might not have the Popbitch messageboard any more, but we’ll be damned if we don’t find some way to post that picture of the triplets on A-Level results day. Some traditions are too important to let die…

[Relive it on the BBC]

Fancy Another?