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“I do think the upper middle-class ladies stay lecherous, to the point of death. Well, that is my experience anyway. And I have been had by a few” – Tom Baker
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|_| |_| 20.02.14 ISSUE 678
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* Kay Burley’s indefinite deadline
* Piers Morgan’s shaky recollections
* Charts: Sam Smith is number one
>> It’s only a name <<
Greeting Derek Beckman
Ten years ago, when Brand Beckham first tried to make it across the Atlantic, they turned up at a big Hollywood lunch only to find themselves introduced as “Victoria and Derek”.
Since then there’s been the LA Galaxy era, so surely things are different for David now?
Well, not quite. At the press conference to announce his plans to one day, maybe, have a soccer franchise in Miami, Mayor of Miami-Dade, Carlos Gimenez, welcomed his honoured guest… “David Beckman!”
FYI: This is the least of his worries. The Miami-Dade ethics commission is investigating Beckham and friends for possibly breaching lobbying rules:
London Fire Brigade blames the rise in number of chip pan fires in the capital on “Heston Blumenthal endorsing posh chips on TV”.
>> Cockwatching <<
In the Harsh light of day
Spotted at the Matthew Williamson after-party at Whisky Mist – Jodie Harsh clomping into the men’s toilets, only to be stopped by the attendant informing him that the women’s bogs were elsewhere.
Harsh replied, “But I’m a bloke, darlin'”
The attendant was having none of it, “No, I’m sorry, you need to use the ladies toilets. Women aren’t allowed in here.”
To which the drag DJ suggested, “Shall I show you my cock, love?”
And that shut him up.
Must have been a shock for fashionistas Anna Wintour, Jourdan Dunn and Kendall Jenner to find the London storms divert their plane to Newcastle.
>> Big Questions <<
Who wants to know what?
Which property-porn TV presenter has been giving his production crew the giggles because of his habit of always wearing too-tight trousers? He appears blissfully unaware that, under the bright TV lights, everyone can see the outline of his cock.
Get well soon Wattie out-of-The Exploited, who had a heart attack on stage in Portugal this week.
>> Video nastiness <<
Stitched up like a Ukipper
Desperate to find dirt with which to smear UKIP’s candidate ahead of the Wythenshawe and Sale East by-election, the Mail on Sunday revealed that John Bickley had shockingly been MD of CIC Video, who “distributed erotic titles such as Mandingo: A Story of Forbidden Passion in the Deep South”!
Indeed it did. CIC, or Cinema International Corporation, was the UK distributor for all titles produced by Paramount and Universal in the 1980s and 90s – which makes Bickley equally responsible for such depraved top-shelf offerings as The Godfather, Back to the Future, Airplane! and Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.
Modern parenting. American Pie actor Jason Biggs’ wife took to Twitter after giving birth. “Sid Biggs. Full head of hair, huge penis, 10k twitter followers. #babybiggs”.
>> Oh, Kay… <<
The bookworm has turned
Sky News queen Kay Burley may not want to know just how many of her unsold books are clogging up a warehouse near Aylesbury. The budding writer is ploughing on though, wanting HarperCollins to give her the deadline for her next novel.
“No rush” appears to be the party line at the publishers.
At his book signing in Manchester, Jeremy Paxman opened the session by reading a war poem about poo. (By AP Herbert.)
>> Making Jimmy history <<
Piers Morgan’s memory tricks
Nice piece in the Evening Standard this week, showing Piers Morgan’s commitment to truth and honesty:
Piers Morgan – Mail On Sunday 2009
“As I left, Jimmy Savile came up to me. ‘Your TV shows are BRILLIANT!’ he exclaimed….I’ve always loved Jimmy Savile.”
Piers Morgan – Mail on Sunday, 2012:
“The Jimmy Savile scandal grows more horrific by the minute… I never met him …”
In December, 93 million people played Candy Crush Saga every day.
>> Holden on: dieting <<
Two very different stories
Very much enjoyed Amanda Holden’s diet tips in the celebrity glossies this week.
* OK! – “Are you strict with your diet Amanda?” “No!”
* Closer – “Insiders say Amanda has been on a strict low-carb diet.”
* Amanda’s tip to OK! – “Eat lots of butter and drink red wine.”
* Closer – “A friend says she’s been avoiding carbs and alcohol.”
* Amanda to OK! – “I’ve just started a new yoga class. It’s called Kundalini… I thought it was amazing. But I’m not anal about it, I don’t do it every week.”
* Closer – “She’s very committed to working out with her personal trainer – and she runs a lot too.”
Well, that’s cleared that up.
The Perils of press day: OK! on the imminent birth of Eric Phillip Cowell. “A close friend of the couple revealed “the favourite name for the baby is Simon… it looks like Eric will be the middle name.”
>> Hackers’ delight <<
From the court this week
* Senior Met Police figures like Yates and Hayman were keeping News of the World editor Colin Myler in the loop on police action.
* Gordon Brown was keeping Rebekah Brooks in the loop about the Media Select Committee action.
* Tony Blair was advising Brooks.
All of which puts two thoughts in our heads.
1. Wonder what gave News of the World any impression they might be a bit above the law?
2. Good job that the 5million pound public inquiry set up to look at all this just focused on the role of the media, rather than politicians and press, eh?
From the Circleville Herald, in Ohio; “Dr. Gay Hitler, son of George Washington Hitler, was a local dentist, serving our community from 1922 through 1946”.
>> Hmms <<
Metal, bunnies, Hue and Cry
In honour of the Team GB bronze medal, here’s cat curling:
Do you want to know how to castrate a hippo?
De La Soul gave away their music for free last weekend. Pirated copies:
Edward Snowden joins Winnie Mandela, Ross Kemp and the singer out of Hue and Cry, who’s writing career is detailed here:
Gun Of The Black Sun – the haunted Nazi revolver thriller (starring Ian Wright) is now available to watch for free:
Japanese indie-metal. It’s worth watching all the way through:
Action movie baddie Richard Lynch’s last film up in full on youtube:
Thanks to: Monstris, DJ, AM, TheBeeKeeper, JS, CMH, SS, MT, SG, DW, F, mountstnobody, abominablehoman, AM, GO, DW, SD
Old Jokes Home:
“I’m calling from the anagram society, you’ll have to rearrange your interview.”
“No problem, it’s ‘view true irony’.”
“OK, you’re in!”
The very, very best bit of Eurovision so far in 2014: