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Thurs 9 May, 230-4pm, London W1. 50 free tickets! Sally Phillips, Kayvan Novak, Morgana Robinson and Book of Mormon’s Stephen Ashfield in new sitcom Distinguished Ladies. Uncensored script, informal read-through. To win a free ticket RSVP matinee@benicepictures.com and tell us why you’d like to go. (Private event, not broadcast or review)
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“All I had for breakfast this morning was a plain omelette, two pancakes and a hot chocolate” – Chris Gayle, on setting the fastest ever cricket century
POPBITCH _ _ _ _
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|_| |_| 25.04.13 ISSUE 639
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to https://www.popbitch.com
To send stories email: hello@popbitch.com
* Pop conspiracy theories!
* Celebrity dog weddings!
* Charts: Daft Punk are number one
>> Can’t fake the filling <<
A word of advice for the stars
Decades ago, before cosmetic surgery became the norm, one of the beauty tricks employed by rich and famous women was to get their back teeth taken out, to help achieve that sunken cheek pout.
Such drastic measures fell from favour. But perhaps they should be looked at again. Or at least, they should by Madonna and Simon Cowell, whose recent Immobile Chipmunk looks have been causing much mirth behind the scenes, as people they’ve worked with have started placing bets on just how round it’s possible for them to make their cheeks with dermal fillers.
Gwyneth Paltrow’s son Moses is a budding rapper. She claims his teacher commended the ‘spontaneous’, ‘actually brilliant’ rap he performed for her birthday.
>> Price wobble <<
Buy me kangaroo now, sport!
Art is a particularly sensitive commodity – its value liable to rise or fall on the slightest whim. So something like a Yewtree arrest is going to play havoc with your price tag.
Rolf Harris’s original artworks sell for big money, and a number of his paintings have changed hands since November (when he was first questioned under caution by Yewtree officers).
Many of those who have been sold these potentially unshiftable pieces in the subsequent six months are now starting to investigate just how much insider knowledge the sellers had, as the identity of the “82 year old man from Berks” was widely known even before it was made public.
The JLS and David Bowie fridge magnets have gone missing from the kitchen at the Official Charts Company office.
>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week
Which popular, mainstream DJ turns a little spikier when he’s booked for university gigs? He brings two sidekick women up on the stage with him and shows off his famous sharp wit by saying “Look at them. I’m gonna shag them later. I’m gonna shag this one in the arse, and this other one… normally.”
FYI: Anything good planned for your uni events this summer? Email hello@popbitch.com
Today’s Scandi-lesson: In Finland you would call a pedant “Pilkunnussija”. Or, literally, a “comma fucker”.
>> Canal retentive <<
Currieing favour with authorities
CO writes:
“A friend told me that he was sitting on his boat when he heard a woman talking very loudly that her doctor had told her to take more exercise. As an incentive to taking exercise she likes to write down all the numbers of the boats as she walks along the canal in Whaley Bridge and if she sees any that have stayed too long she likes to report them to the Canal & River Trust.
“And who is this busybody tattletale? Edwina Currie.”
When Jeffrey Archer was made Lord Archer of Weston-super-Mare, he sent all his friends a postcard of Weston-super-Mare pier, with just his name on the back.
>> Pop Conspiracy Theories <<
What the insiders are saying
JLS to split – the announcement made a lot of people sad. And made some unkind industry folks’ tongues start to wag:
1. Tour ticket sales aren’t going great. Your last single peaked outside top 100.
2. Give a front page exclusive to a tabloid about how this tour is the last time to see you live as you’re splitting.
3. Huge spike in tour ticket sales!
(4. Announce at least some of you will stay together after all, due only to this public demand, of course.)
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The Gin Store at Street Feast: Semi-secret/semi-private, for ten Fridays only, new cocktail bar in an old merchants office and store. Easily The World’s Best Bar in a Former Travis Perkins. No question. Some more details here: http://bit.ly/11GumH3
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>> G and tee <<
Like mother, like son
HarryFreeze writes:
“In the 70’s my parents took me to a pro-am golf tournament. I was proudly wearing my new ‘Start each day with a smile’ Snoopy badge. I went to get Mark Thatcher’s autograph after he had tee’d off, he stopped and looked at my badge, reading out the words, then added ‘More like a gin and tonic’ and walked off without signing. I was eight.”
Best post-Thatch conspiracy theory that was sent to us? That Airey Neave and Ian Gow were killed by the IRA, but it was sponsored by the CIA. They were planning security changes the CIA did not like.
>> Bow wow vows <<
Dog owner of the week
Frankie from the Saturdays, on how her “footballer” boyfriend proposed. “Wayne took me to a hotel and he got my dogs involved. I didn’t know my dogs were there and they came in little bride and groom outfits. And Pixie had the ring around her neck on a ribbon. I think for people who aren’t dog fans it’s a bit of a weird proposal so I feel like I only want to tell people who like dogs.”
Come on, Frankie, you’re a celebrity. It’s not weird enough. Take a leaf from a proper star like Sigourney Weaver, and make your big day a double celebration. Sigourney arranged an actual wedding for her dog. “My greyhound met a very handsome Italian greyhound, and they got married… We had dog vows and a dog wedding cake. It’s so romantic.”
Popbitch’s favourite senior Media Planner? Starcom’s Duff Borer.
>> Spy games <<
In the john with John
There was a nice interview with John Le Carre in New York Times. This is what we most enjoyed:
1. He once took cocaine and it gave him a “troublesomely long-term erection.”
2. He keeps a rubber figurine of George W Bush in his bathroom so he can stare at it while peeing.
3. He has a “Keep Calm and le Carre On” poster on his office wall.
4. Opposed Jeremy Irons being cast in the film of The Russia House because he claimed Irons’ dogs attacked his dogs in a park and Irons never apologised.
LaToya Jackon’s best friend is Kathy Hilton, mom of Paris.
>> Popbits <<
In memoriam
Before the days of YouTube and Spotify, Popbitch once spent 21 months trying to get a 12 inch of Richie Havens’ Back to My Roots. Finally, after about 100 fruitless trawls through London record stores we found it. And still play it.
RIP Richie Havens. If you don’t know his version, listen:
http://bit.ly/10fagkn
RIP Chrissy Amphlett of the Divinyls too. I Touch Myself is about to become the theme song for Australian breast cancer awareness.
>> Europopbits <<
Less funky, more hunky
If Eurovision turns you off but you’re into workout videos and/or buff men then this year Azerbaijan have just the entry for you.
Follow fitness trainer Farid Mammadov’s “Stay Fit With Farid” videos:
http://bit.ly/14ci7r4
FYI: His song is a pleasant, generic Euroballad. We’re hoping he performs it with his shirt off…
http://youtu.be/r5egVzkZGTg
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Taco Wars. 18 May. Merchant Yard, Kingsland Rd, Hackney. From the people behind http://www.ginstock.com and http://www.rumstock.com – 10 great chefs/taco trucks/restaurants, 10 great tacos. Last Taco Standing is “Britain’s Best”. A few tickets left: http://tacowars.eventbrite.co.uk/
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>> Hmms <<
Rainbow, sperm, cocks
This man eats carrots. He’s really good at it:
http://bit.ly/15PltQP
The verb of gråtrunk (Swedish for ‘cry-wank’) is grunka. Which makes these Ikea products seem a bit weird:
http://bit.ly/10eSIEX
How do picture-winged flies quench their thirst? With sperm, of course!
http://bit.ly/YUerTF
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Thanks to: SF, S, RV, CO, ycknows, xanadu, MM, mount_st_nobody, deep_stoat, ________, neville_bartos, cover_me, gravelly_hills_cop, NS, MM, C, JS, S
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Old Jokes Home:
Before I went to bed last night I pulled my boxers off.
“You spoil those dogs”, said my wife.