Drum’n’Bass’n’Dershowitz

boris_bogtrotter writes:
“Stanley Johnson was in my local in Queens Park on Monday night, drinking a half of lager in an Estrella glass and eating cheese crisps. I mentioned to someone that it must be tense in the Johnson family at the moment, and was reminded of an incident here last summer when someone approached Stanley in the same pub to tell him that his son was a cunt. To which Johnson Senior wearily replied, ‘Yes, I know.'”

It’s clear that Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly are trying to be the millennial Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton. From him having a vial of her blood, to her wearing an engagement ring with ‘thorns’ on the inside (that will physically hurt her to remove because “love is pain”) the playbook couldn’t be more obvious.

But Megan and MGK have some way to go if they want to overtake Billy and Ange as Hollywood’s quintessential goth sex freak couple. If they think thorns on the ring finger is the worst pain Angelina endured for love, they clearly haven’t heard the stories about the Billy Bob tattoo she had inked on her labia.

The offspring of which Boris supporting MP has just caused the closure of their prep school because they’ve all caught COVID?

Vulture ran a much-discussed profile of Joss Whedon this week, in which Whedon finally addressed the many allegations made against him across his career. One line of defence that’s emerging is that his success placed him on such a pedestal, and the Buffy/Angel megafandom treated him like an all-powerful deity, that he slowly came to believe he was infallible.

But, as you’d expect from any screenwriter worth their salt, this god complex was foreshadowed right from the very beginning.

Joss Whedon is actually called Joe. He chose the name Joss for himself when he started to break into writing. Where does it come from? Around the 19th century (the Opium Wars era), English traders in China started using the word ‘joss’ to mean ‘luck’ or ‘being lucky’. Though the word is heavily associated with Chinese culture (joss sticks, joss paper, etc) it isn’t Chinese in origin. It comes from the Portuguese traders who arrived in Macau 300 years previously, a corruption of the old Portuguese word “deos”.

Meaning “God”.

Years ago, we wrote a story of the time an eight year old interviewed David Walliams about one of his early books for a newspaper feature. The interview didn’t go well, with Walliams taking objection to the kid’s line of questioning and wrapping things up early.

It resulted in Walliams’ publishers sending us a rather fiesty legal letter, suggesting that we were damaging his reputation as a beloved children’s author – and it all ended up getting a bit terse. So we were glad to hear that this sort of situation is much less likely to occur nowadays.

A little birdy tells us that when Walliams makes an appearance at a primary school now, he makes sure to get any questions presented to him in advance.

As Prince Andrew’s non-stop humiliation roadshow continues, this week saw a former protection officer reveal that Andrew would ‘shout and scream’ if maids ever dared disturb his teddy bear collection. This isn’t the first story former staff have told about the Prince’s petulant streak. If you can believe it, he can be quite a tetchy auld prick.

THE SPORTS CAR
One officer remembers the time Andrew stormed into their office at Windsor, absolutely livid that someone had moved his sports car, yelling at them and calling them every name under the sun. When it later transpired that Princess Anne had been the one to move his car, Andrew never apologised to the officers – nor mentioned the incident ever again.

THE MUCKY BOWL
There is supposedly a toilet in Edinburgh airport that is reserved for the Royals’ use whenever they pass through. Many years ago, when Andrew was on his way to play golf nearby, he needed to use the facilities. However, it appeared someone else had used this special toilet first and had left a little reminder behind. The sight of which caused the Duke to storm out, screaming “IS THIS HOW YOU TREAT THE FUCKING ROYALS?”

The theories that the Queen is forever trying to silently communicate her disapproval of Boris Johnson with her choice of brooch, or serving some masterful clapback to the Sussexes by drinking a particular blend of tea, don’t cut much ice with us – but we have to admit we did enjoy this recent royal update.

The same week that the Queen stripped Andrew of all his military titles, affiliations and the HRH honorific, the Daily Mail reported that she’d just registered a new racehorse… and called it “Interview”.

Looks like rogue reporters are back on the beat on Fleet Street again. One of the tabloids is having a fair bit of cleaning up to do after a rookie reporter doorstepped a celebrity and took a suspiciously long time to explain who they were and what they were doing there.

The hack was so coy about their identity that the celeb apparently mistook them for someone from Track And Trace, which made them pretty peeved when they found out they were being questioned by a reporter. So they lodged a complaint which caused much shit to hit the corporate fan, leading to bosses bringing in a new, tighter set of protocols for tracking down and approaching stars.

Yet another success for Phoebe Waller-Bridge…

X writes:
“Following your Succession story last week, I can tell you there’s a parlour game in Manhattan media circles (and special WhatsApp groups) where people who know or have worked with Rupert Murdoch watch it purely so they can discuss whether he would or would not have done whatever Brian Cox is doing on screen that week as Logan.”

FYI: There’s a fun interview with Brian Cox in Deadline this week, talking a little more about that infamous Jeremy Strong profile in the New Yorker. It ends with an incredible line when Cox is asked if he has put himself in a similarly vulnerable position by writing such a candid memoir, to which he replies “No, no. Listen, I’m too old, too tired and too talented for any of that shit.”

The January 2022 edition of the Play-At-Home Popbitch Popquiz features eight brand new rounds of gossip, trivia, music, puzzles and guesswork – and is available to download now. If you enjoyed the Xmas quiz, it’s much the same. Just a little less festive and a little more about Downing Street parties and Prince Andrew…

Everything you need to play is included in the digital bundle, which you can get right now for just £5.

[Get the January Popquiz]

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Polar bears have taken over an abandoned island
[Incredible opening picture]

Gordon Ramsay tantrums set to heavy metal
[Listen on YouTube]

The inevitable “Has Boris Resigned Yet?” website
[Has Boris Resigned Yet?]

BBC newscaster Ros Atkins’ drum’n’bass mix
[Listen here]

Fun browser game where you put random Wikipedia profiles into chronological order
[Play Wikitrivia]

Where did the dramatic ‘Dun dun duuuuuuuun!’ sound come from?
[The Guardian investigates]

A restaurant column written specifically to cadge free lunches
[Read on The Fence]

How Britney Spears escaped her conservatorship – as a comic book
[Read on Insider]

“What If Prince Andrew Were Innocent?”
[by… Alan Dershowitz]

Still Bored?
Full episodes of The Tube
[All five series]