Ducking Hell

It’s been a busy couple of weeks for Captain Tom, the 99 year old veteran who captured the nation’s hearts by raising almost £30m for charity by walking laps of his garden – and who is currently locked in a chart battle for this week’s No.1.

It’s a strange time to enter the spotlight, a week shy of his 100th birthday, but Tom has managed the shift from civilian to celebrity life with surprising ease. Not only has he now got a PR company representing him (the same one that reps Chris Moyles, Nick Knowles and Joe Wicks) he’s gone and done the one thing that truly marks him out as a proper star.

He’s hired Schillings to fire off some warning shots at the press.

Victoria Beckham took a bit of a pasting in the press this week after it emerged she’d furloughed staff at her fashion label, leaving the Government to take care of her payroll – despite her estimated household wealth of £335m. But Posh has never been one to turn down a freebie.

Back at the start of the century, Mulberry were keen to align themselves with anything posh and Posh Spice was at the height of her powers. So the creative director and about 15 members of his staff paid her a visit, bringing over 200 pieces of personalised luggage with them as a gift for her and David.

Victoria was so delighted with the haul that, a few weeks later, she called them up begging to be sent some more – so she could give them to her mother as a birthday present.

Friends of which popstar-turned-reality TV judge refer to her vagina as the “Little Shop Of Horrors”? Not because it has teeth and a taste for blood. More that anyone who passes close by is likely to get devoured…

Harry and Meghan’s plan to avoid excessive press intrusion by moving to LA is panning out perfectly.

Photos of them masked up and walking out and about hit the tabloids this week, with the credit ‘Jeff Rayner’. That’ll be the same Jeff Rayner who started the entire Markle Debacle by setting Thomas Snr up to pose for all those staged suit-fitting photos ahead of the Royal Wedding.

It’s no surprise that he and his LA-based photo agency were on their case immediately. But if the Sussexes are hoping this is just a temporary fixation that will soon die down, they should know that Coleman-Rayner doesn’t really do ‘cooling off’.

Mark Coleman still sends minions to check up on Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston most days and Jeff Rayner’s obsession with the Travolta family became so all-consuming that he once rented their holiday home in the Bahamas just so he could snoop about inside. On his return to the office, he was heard bragging to colleagues about how he’d slept in their dead son’s bedroom.

Best of luck, Harry!

Being 5,000 miles away hasn’t dulled the Sussexes’ fervour for a fight with the British tabloids. This week, Harry and Meghan announced they would cease to co-operate with the Sun, the Express, the Mail and the Mirror – unless it was through their lawyers.

The Daily Star has since branded itself “The Sussexes’ Favourite Paper” on account of the fact that they avoided the chop – but they’re being a little presumptuous. One of the other titles to escape the Sussex shitlist was the Sunday Sport: Britain’s premier source of scantily clad lovelies, sex dwarf stories and reports on the many inventive ways that men have managed to mangle their bellends.

We don’t think this was an oversight. Rumour has it the Sport was one of Harry’s preferred reads back in the day…

baggsy writes:
“Me and my partner were in our car, stuck in traffic at Tooting Broadway crossroads on a hot summer day, talking crap, when a man stepped in front of our car and awaited the lights to change so he could cross the oncoming lanes.

“I turned to my better half and said ‘Is that Bill Nighy with a really big book under his arm?’ because the man was carrying this massive A3-sized tome. He turned and smiled, looking me dead in the eye, and replied ‘It very much is Bill Nighy with a really big book under his arm.’ Then resumed waiting to cross.

“I’d forgotten our windows were open.”

This week saw us sending out the 31st of our special daily editions – meaning that our daily readers have been treated to a full month of Popbitch stories that have passed you weekly readers by.

We’ve been keeping an archive of the daily issues up on our site so you can catch up (as well as an archive of our daily music quizzes) but we highly recommend you sign up. None of us is going anywhere any time soon, so you might as well make the most of lockdown…

[Sign up to the Daily Tonic]

On Monday we asked daily readers about personalised celebrity registration plates. A lot of you had seen the late puppeteer Keith Harris driving around with the plate ORV1L – but one reader elaborated a little further.

AM writes:

“I remember seeing it in the car park when he did his “adult” act in Brighton in about 2001. The whole thing was just as horrifically ill-advised and appalling as you’d expect, and I’ve blocked most of it out, but one bit I do remember will haunt me all my days.

“‘Here’s one,’ said the fondly-remembered children’s entertainer. ‘What’s the best way of sawing a woman in half? Lengthways, of course – because that way you’ll have somewhere to start the saw.’

“WITH. THE FUCKING. DUCK. SAT. ON. HIS. LAP.”

On Tuesday we asked about the strangest celebrity riders and requests that readers had ever had to deal with.

As well as Paris Hilton requesting seven cardboard cutouts of herself on T4, and Preston from the Ordinary Boys making it clear IN ALL CAPS that venue staff were not allowed to mention Never Mind The Buzzcocks in his presence, we very much enjoyed this one…

RH writes:
“Some friends of mine work in production and were asked to sort out Shane McGowan’s rider. As you’d expect it was full of booze and very little of any nutritional value, but they did have to point out to him that getting fags would be tricky as the gig was for the Teenage Cancer Trust.”

As our bricks-and-mortar pub quiz remains on indefinite hiatus, we’ve put together some special Play-At-Home quiz packs for anyone who wants to host their own Popbitch Popquiz with friends, family or colleagues.

Today, we’re releasing a new one: the Green Edition. With eight new rounds of trivia, music, puzzles and gossip, each pack contains everything you need to play.

The quiz is £5 – but we also have a collection of better-value bumper packs too.

[Get your Popbitch Popquizzes here!]

Some lovely Popbitch readers made us a playlist of all the songs we’ve used in our daily quizzes to date
[Hear on Spotify]

A collection of coronavirus signs from around the world
[duetocovid19.com]

Local News Of The Week: Tory Swastika Hot Cross Bun edition
[Read on Portsmouth News]

Restaurants might be shut, but restaurant quality is still available. Pasta Evangelists deliver the freshest pasta and prepared ingredients direct to your door so you can make five-star dishes in as many minutes to enjoy on your sofa. Popbitch readers get 25% off their first order using the code PBSPECIAL25.
[Offer expires in 48 hours]

How to get strong testicles, Chinese style
[Learn on YouTube]

Guess the album cover from the lo-res picture
[Play on Twitter]

There’s a new 40 minute documentary on UK Eurovision entrant Daz Sampson
[Watch on YouTube]

A Buddhist monk covering We Will Rock You
[Hear on YouTube]

If you did well answering the Coughing Major’s questions, the Judith Keppel edition is here
[Play Millionaire on Twitter]

Still Bored?
Today’s Media Masters podcast is with BBC Breakfast editor, Richard Frediani. Here he talks rivalry with Piers Morgan and GMB, and describes the role of the BBC in combating disinformation and fake news amid the coronavirus pandemic.
[Listen on Media Masters]