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“That’s one of the things that is now quite cool. I get to keep my beard” – Zayn Malik
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|_| |_|31.03.15 ISSUE 779
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* Dismayed in Chelsea
* Kayhole: Sexting with Vern
* Charts: Sigala is number one
>> Ex Factor <<
New face needed
Ian Royce was best known as being the warm-up guy from X Factor, until he started to attack Cheryl’s husband Jean Bernard over Twitter a few weeks ago. Then he became better known as the bloke whose ranting forced the many media outlets who repeated them to have to issue legal apologies to JB.
You’d have thought Ian might have learned his lesson, but this week he turned his attention to Xtra Factor’s Matt Richardson, laying into the chirpy new Virgin Radio presenter with a series of increasingly shrill threats.
And as if that wasn’t enough, Royce then decided to go in on X Factor’s publicist, Simon Jones, too.
Seems we can expect to see a new warm up guy on X Factor this year.
Ashton Kutcher has a new comedy show on Netflix. Why Netflix? Apparently he wanted to “disrupt the sitcom”. Prick.
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
Which politician got a taste of the local culture on a trip abroad, by splashing out on a hooker? The story has been hawked around the tabloids but no-one wants to make trouble for the man in question right now.
First Murdoch, then Blair. Now US Weekly is reporting that Wendi Deng and Vladimir Putin are going at it…
>> Wedding bull <<
Another week, another story
This week’s instalment of the Cheryl and Liam media soap opera has Chezza telling friends she’s “free to wed again”, as her divorce is imminent.
If this is true, it’s a curious state of affairs as Mustique law says you can only ask for a divorce after three years of marriage – but it’s only been 20 months since she married JB.
There is a workaround if you can get a judge to agree to it “on the ground of exceptional hardship suffered or of exceptional depravity on the part of the respondent.”
As every attempt to paint Jean Bernard badly in the press has resulted in him gaining a legal apology, it’s unlikely there’s much evidence of depravity – exceptional or otherwise.
So, unless she’s found a judge who’s a massive One Direction fan, we can’t see how she can rush this through the courts.
Maybe there’s something to all those conspiracy theories that there was no wedding in Mustique in the first place?
Miranda Kerr has had her house re-decorated, and filled with crystals.
>> Dismayed in Chelsea <<
It ain’t easy being Green
Millie Mackintosh and Professor Green’s break-up has already been pretty acrimonious, but things could be about to get much, much messier.
Some of the Professor’s friends have been talking about exposing Millie’s juice-and-exercise Instagram persona as the sham front for a more debauched reality.
If that’s their big tactic, they might want to consider something a little tougher because the stories that Millie and her friends have been dropping hints about to some well-placed sources sound much darker than that.
Almost a gruesome twosome: Miley Cyrus and Lindsey Lohan. (Linds turned her down, apparently…)
>> Mayday <<
Celebrity behaviour
First Dates contestant Daniel May became mildly famous after claiming his appearance on the show lead to him being beaten up in a homophobic attack and receiving death threats.
He’s now saying that none of this happened. And what was his excuse? “People had convinced me these kind of stories get you noticed and was told that all celebrities do it.”
Kanye West is working closely with Justin Bieber’s guru Scooter Braun. Which maybe explains all the recent Bieber-praising Kanye’s been doing.
>> On the roadie <<
He’s with the brand
Deep_Stoat writes:
“Michael Winterbottom is making a film about the life of a roadie. He’s filming on an actual tour, mixing his actor in with the crew for authenticity. Not a bad idea, except the film crew have hardly endeared themselves to the road crew with the extent of their requests. These have ranged from asking the crew to unload the trucks then load them back up again (and then re-unload them), to demanding all the road crew vehicles get moved on as their own driver parked in the wrong place for continuity.
“Only time will tell if it turns out any better than Face Of An Angel, but I’m pretty sure he’d have a more interesting film if he made one about road crews having to deal with fuckwit film crews.”
Popbitch’s favourite named science editor… Nature Microbiology’s chief, Andrew Jermy!
>> Two faced <<
Another Eurovision row
A row is brewing in Eurovision circles about the Australian entry this year.
Eurovision rules state that songs can’t name trademarked products in their lyrics. San Marino had to rewrite a song in 2012 because it made a mention of Facebook; Belarus had to edit their song in 2014 because it name-checked Google Maps.
This year, Australia’s song includes the line “Trying to feel your love through FaceTime”.
Eurovision officials are maintaining that this lyric doesn’t refer to Apple’s app FaceTime, but instead to “face time” (as in being face to face with someone). Even though the song is about being apart from the person you love. And trying endlessly to call them.
All of which has left fans confused as to whether the EBU is showing preferential treatment to Apple (over tech giants Facebook and Google); or to Australia – who are all primed to launch a Eurovision spin-off, Asiavision, next year.
RIP Ronnie Corbett Jokes Home: Kings Cross Station Announcer: “Would the gentleman who has lost a case of whisky come to the lost property office, where the gentleman who found it has been handed in.”
>> Kayhole <<
Vern’s injunction-free sexting
After news broke this week of Vernon Kay’s continuing sexting, some of you thought we were being sarcastic when we said in last week’s issue that the celebrity injunction was 100% definitely not his.
Just to confirm: we weren’t being sarcastic. Vernon Kay’s sexting isn’t the injunction story. Vernon Kay is just a sleazy dude.
Besides, if you want to drop hints about an injunction, you have to be a touch more careful than that.
Which isn’t to say nobody does it. Journalists do it all the time. You just have to know what to look out for. So we’ve compiled a little guide to help you out a bit for the next time…
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Media Focus podcast roundtable: Reporting on War. Seasoned war correspondents discuss military media influence, terrorist PR, and declining numbers of journos in the warzone. Listen here: http://www.mediafocus.org.uk
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>> Hmmms <<
Bieber, baseball, bottles
Who says BBC bosses don’t have the common touch? Here’s Mark Linsey in a video advertising Debrett’s etiquette classes:
http://bit.ly/1MW3zNW
The UKIP/chemsex barrister’s website has been amusing his fellow lawyers. The use of the third person and captioned photos are particularly good:
http://bit.ly/22RPRbs
What did it take to have a number one single in 2015?
http://bit.ly/1pNwizi
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Thanks to: LP, JR, SG, MR, AM deep_stoat, MT, JM
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Old Jokes Home:
Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners.
But catscan.
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