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“Nobody’s doing a radio station for pets. We’d do one for plants” – Noel Edmonds
POPBITCH _ _ _ _
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|_| |_|10.11.16 ISSUE 807
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* Tony Blackburn’s bargaining chip
* A bit of Chimbalance
* Charts: Clean Bandit/Sean Paul
>> The Forsyth saga <<
Making final arrangements
As Bruce Forsyth’s health fears hit the front pages, frantic preparations are underway at the BBC to prepare an obituary that won’t come back to bite them in the arse – no small challenge these days.
Biographers and friends are being sounded out about any potential skeletons that might be hidden in his closet. After all, Brucie’s career spans a number of decades, taking in three marriages, numerous affairs (including one with Britain’s second ever Miss World, 19 year old Ann Sidney) and big overlaps at the Beeb with Savile, Stuart Hall and other such ‘characters’.
Word coming back so far is (thankfully) all good. Though he was a bit of a shagger in the Sixties, it all seems to
have been above board – no bombshells expected.
Bruce Forsyth (born February 1928) is five months older than sliced bread (first sold July 1928).
>> The only weight is Essex <<
In the pocket of pig farmer
Former TOWIE star Frankie Essex has struggled to generate much interest from magazines and the tabloids for just being herself, so someone from her management has devised a simple strategy to keep her in the news.
Frankie’s career now consists of deliberately putting on two stone to attract “WEIGHT GAIN SHOCK!” headlines, then losing it again to get “Frankie flaunts her new figure!” stories – and selling the accompanying photos.
Charmingly, Frankie’s handler refers to the first part of this cycle as “Feed The Piggy Season”.
She’s obviously in the latter part now though, as a fitness DVD is imminent.
One of the songs trying to be the UK’s next Eurovision entry is called “We’re Sorry We Left The EU”.
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
Which member of recently reformed shoegazers, Lush, caused the bassist to leave the band after she smacked him in the face after an argument?
Which member of recently reformed shoegazers, Lush, caused the band to miss out on Coachella because of a visa delay from failing to disclose a previous conviction?
2016’s four biggest box office films are all from Disney Studios and have collectively taken more than $4 billion.
>> Mars attack <<
Spotify’s wedding singer
Legacy media like radio and TV are policed quite heavily to try to ensure that any deals, endorsements and sponsorship arrangements are all clear, and that artists or labels aren’t unfairly benefiting from secret backroom deals.
It’s not really the same in the world of music streaming. The decision-making process about which new tracks and artists feature on playlists is pretty opaque.
Bruno Mars continues to have great streaming success, in part because he has released some absolute crackers. But he unwittingly drew back the curtain on the other part of it all to Rolling Stone.
Asked why he chose to play Spotify founder Daniel Ek’s recent wedding, Mars remarked “They’re going to help with promotion.”
So much for the internet being the thing to level the playing field for up-and-coming artists.
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>> The last laugh <<
Blackburn’s mic drop moment
It’s not easy growing up with celebrity parents.
A few years ago, Tony Blackburn took his daughter Victoria to the christening of the son of some radio bigwig. The day went swimmingly, people had a grand old time and Tony was on sparkling form. But when he decided that the time had come to leave, he had a bit of difficulty in convincing Victoria (who was a teenager at the time) to join him.
He indulged her protest for a few seconds, then said “You know what happens if we don’t go when I say, don’t you?”
“You start telling jokes” she replied forlornly – then went to get her coat.
Metallica are lobbying for Motorhead to be inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.
>> Air quality <<
Balls in a Viceland
Within weeks of its launch, dire audience figures are making some of the top bods at Vice’s TV channel, Viceland, question its strategy.
One option they’re exploring is a swift pivot from the policy of only airing their own factual commissions to also buying in some big budget US dramas with an anti-establishment skew.
Such a move could help position Viceland as a decent rival to some of the Sky channels, which also rely heavily on imported US dramas. Though quite how they persuade their big investors (aka the Murdochs) is unclear.
Sky’s Jude Law TV vehicle, The Young Pope, is surprisingly down to 100k viewers per episode now.
>> Picture this <<
Two-person package deal
What makes Dubai the holiday destination of choice for so many Z-listers? The dazzling selection of chain restaurants? The oppressive heat and strict alcohol licensing laws? The chance of catching a Dane Bowers DJ set?
Nope. The fact that hotels are tripping over themselves to give free room and board to any celeb who can get their picture on the Mailonline.
Trying to take advantage of this most recently? Lottie Moss (Kate Moss’s sister) and Emily Blackwell from Made In Chelsea who are offering themselves up as a two-person package deal.
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POPBITCH POPQUIZ – END OF YEAR QUIZ Join us at Smiths Of Smithfield on November 30th for the last Popbitch quiz of 2016. We’ll be putting an early end to this horrible shit-tip of a year with trivia, music, arts, crafts and stupid party games. Tickets are a fiver. Come along! http://bit.ly/2fHbNU9
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>> Social housing <<
A blast from the past
The house next door to Jeremy Corbyn’s is on the market. Called The Clock House, the property is a “reworking of a mid-terrace 1960s townhouse” by architecture practice, Archmonger.
So a reworking of the sixties, by an Islington practitioner, priced at just under a million.
Perfect, somehow.
The highest grossing musical ever? Phantom of the Opera – at $5.6bn.
>> Chimbalance <<
Another detail to consider
For years now we’ve reported on the various internet theories about a rumoured decade-long lesbian relationship between Girls Aloud bandmates Kimberley Walsh and Cheryl Cole-Fernandez-Tweedy (a relationship known in internet circles as ‘Chim’).
Whether or not you believe in Chim is a matter for you, but here’s an interesting little detail in the whole thing that we learned this week:
“Chim” is the Vietnamese slang equivalent of “pussy” in English.
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This week’s Media Masters podcast: Cristina Nicolotti Squires, Editor at Channel 5 News talks behind the scenes at one of the UK’s major news programmes. Listen here: http://bit.ly/2fZGlAV
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>> Hmmms <<
Fellatio, AOL, Pokemon
The Ned Flanders-themed metal band Okilly Dokilly release their debut album tomorrow:
http://bit.ly/2emiKKe
The voice of AOL’s “You’ve Got Mail!” is now an Uber driver in Cleveland, Ohio:
http://bit.ly/2g11Xgf
Charity event raises 4k but pays celebrity 25k to appear:
http://dailym.ai/2fFE8Ge
Fancy a fellatio prosthetic for your mouth?
http://bit.ly/2fUxIrN
Want a Donald Trump comedy lip-syncer at your Xmas party?
http://bit.ly/2eW37oO
“Aberdeenshire business owner wins Presidential election”
http://bit.ly/2g19RpK
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Thanks to: KW, meow, SA, EW, deep_stoat, NM, GA, JS, JE
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Old Jokes Home:
I used to date a girl with severe eczema. She had cracking tits.
Still Bored?
“Anything to declare, madam?”
“Er, yes, one koala”:
http://ab.co/2fFJCB2
