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Fuzzy Waawaa

 

POPBITCH POPQUIZ: Join Popbitch and our host Tom Webb at Smiths Of Smithfield every other Tuesday for a pub quiz like no other. There’s bar tabs, theatre tickets and lucky dip prizes to be won – so brush up on your weird pop culture knowledge, round up a team and get booked in…
[Tues 24th Mar | Tues 7th Apr | Tues 21st Apr]
“Put your hands away, you fucking idiots” – Jurgen Klopp
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* More celebrity sink-dodging
* Getting intimate with patient zero
* PLUS: A look back at Popbitch ’07
>> Pandemonium <<
More sink-dodging stars
 

Now that Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson have tested positive for Covid-19 (and the theory that cocaine kills off coronavirus has been widely debunked) celebrities are going to have to be doubly careful about who they pal about with in the coming weeks.

Luckily for them, Popbitch readers answered our call, so we’ve been able to add to our list of notable walkers and washers.

SPOTTED SINK-DODGERS: Adrian Chiles, Rachel Johnson, Chris Eubank, Jo Whiley, James Corden, Steve Coogan, Justin Bieber (seen in the Carlton Hotel in Cannes not washing his hands after a shit, then doing meet-and-greets with waiting fans outside)

FASTIDIOUS HANDWASHERS: Paul Weller, Charlie from Busted, Yoko Ono, Gillian Anderson (who doesn’t much care for the slowness of the hand-dryers at the Curzon Mayfair)

HIT-AND-MISS: Alex James (declined to shake a fellow celebrity’s hand in the Groucho with the excuse “I won’t shake your hand, I’ve just had a piss” – which is disgusting, but also kind of considerate)

Not the worst accusation doing the rounds about Alex Proud at the minute but he pisses with his phone in one hand, cock in the other – then washes neither.
>> Red alert <<
Further adventures with Gove
 

We know we’ve already told you more about Michael Gove’s urinal etiquette than you ever wanted to know (about how he unzips a long way from the urinal, ambles up to the trough with his chap out for all to see, etc). Sadly, because of the looming threat to public health, we feel compelled to give you yet further details.

Someone who had the misfortune of using the Cabinet Office loos at the same time as Gove tells us that not only did he not wash his hands, the first thing he did on entering the toilets was to lay the red ministerial box he was carrying down over the sink – meaning that nobody else could wash their hands there either.

Is it any wonder the cabinet are needing to self-isolate?

Harvey Weinstein got a lucky break. 23 years in federal prison means he’ll be moved out of Rikers Island: the facility from which NYC plans to source inmates to dig any mass graves required in the event of a deadly pandemic.
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
 

Which Hollywood superstar needs a little bit more than coffee to help get him up? Word around LA parties is that he requires the insertion of three digits in order to get things pumping.

Mother’s Day is rapidly approaching, and it’s time to treat the mum/gran/auntie/woman in your life with a stunning, hand-tied flower bouquet from Arena Flowers: the UK’s most ethical florist (6 years running!) You can use the promo code YOURMUM for a pleasing 15% off all orders, but best not to mention that bit to her.
[Order with Arena Flowers]
>> Water palaver <<
Baby wants his dwinkie
 

Whenever Gregg Wallace or John Torode find themselves feeling thirsty on the set of MasterChef, they will put on a baby voice and ask the nearest runner to get them a “fuzzy waawaa”.

“Fuzzy waawaa” is not, as you might imagine, just fizzy water said in an eerie way. It is very specifically (and all studio runners must understand this) a glass of sparkling water served with exactly two cubes of ice, one slice of lemon and one slice of lime.

It is only ever referred to as “fuzzy waaawaa”.

Spotted in Liverpool this weekend: David Harbour and Lily Allen at Finca, ordering the chorizo bites and sweet potato fries two days in a row.
>> Life of grime <<
Dangerous Danan strikes again
 

Obviously we will always wholeheartedly support Paul Danan in anything he chooses to do, but we can’t help but feel he’s picked the wrong time to get into the hip-hop management game.

While a national health lockdown looks increasingly likely, Danan is currently inviting people to attend an “intimate gig” he’s hosting next week to promote a new act he’s looking after, whose new album is called…

Patient Zero.

Unsurprisingly, there’s still space on the guest list.

More updates from the Daily Mail bogs: a small mirror was recently glued to the inside top of a cubicle door, giving the seated shitter a nice view into the ceiling – and presumably afforded anyone in the ceiling a reciprocal one.
>> School Daze II <<
Priti fly (for a white lie)
 

After last week’s story about the mystery surrounding Priti Patel’s secondary education, we’ve heard from a number of people who were keen to shed a little more light on it.

It seems that, despite what you may have read in articles in almost every single established news outlet in the country, Priti Patel wasn’t a contemporary of Geri Halliwell and Liz Kendall at Watford Grammar for Girls after all. She attended Westfield Technical College.

If anyone is ever tasked with updating the articles which make mention of her studying alongside Geri and Liz, the famous alumni from the school she actually attended are Naughty Boy and three out of the four members of Rak-su.

A rare Gruesome Twosome/Nominative Determinism example: the guy accused of shagging his girlfriend on a plane as her children watched… Phil Mycock!
>> Hack attack <<
All hands to the pumps
 

Whenever there’s any sort sort of global panic, the media is always accused of cynically fanning the flames just to muster up clicks – but that’s not the case with Covid-19. It seems that journalists are genuinely concerned about it.

An email went around the Guardian earlier this week reminding employees that the hand-sanitiser dispensers they had installed around the building were for the use of everyone, not just the first few people who could manage to nick one.

In fairness to the Guardian though, they kept a lid on it longer than the Sun did. Things started getting all Lord Of The Flies at the Baby Shard last Thursday – with bosses having to reprimand hacks there for bringing in empty containers from home to drain the company’s supply of hand gel.

This week’s Media Masters is an interview with Chris Mason, host of Radio 4’s Any Questions and Newscast/Brexitcast. He chats about imposter syndrome and the experience of going viral after admitting on air that he didn’t have “the foggiest idea” what was going to happen during Brexit.
[Listen/Download at Media Masters]
>> Pwoper Noughties <<
2007: Another year of muck
 

This week’s set of stories from the Popbitch archives is pruned from the 2007 collection: a year in which we reported on Marilyn Manson’s pubic problem, Tara Reid’s insatiable hunger for house music, Guy Ritchie’s reputation in Scotland, the positive side of music piracy and our favourite Nick Cave spot of all time.

[Read more here]

Take That tactfully opened their set at the 2007 Concert For Diana with the song Shine, the first lines of which are: “You, you’re such a big star to me / You’re everything I want to be / But you’re stuck in a hole.”
>> The Tower of love <<
Donny’s crossed wires
 

We could hardly have asked for a more 2007 rock star than the Towers Of London front man Donny Tourette.

One night when the Towers played a small bar in Hoxton, a drunken fight ensued where the bar was trashed, the cops were called and the band were taken to a police cell. When the time came, Donny was entrusted to make the band’s phone call.

Did he call his lawyer? His mum? His manager? Er, no. His call was back to the bar to ask the barman to get the phone number of the girl he’d been chatting up all night.

A 2007 study by Dublin City University discovered that 100% of bank notes in the Republic of Ireland carry traces of cocaine. (And a 2020 study found… exactly the same.)
>> Quiz night <<
Moonlighting in LA
 

Lock Stock actor Jason Flemyng is part-owner of The Duchess pub on Battersea Bridge Road, near to where he grew up. Flemyng has got to know a lot of the regulars from the nearby estate from doing the weekly pub quiz and just introduces himself as Jason, without letting on about his day-job.

In 2007, he was called over to Hollywood to work. One of the regulars asked the barman why Jason wasn’t the quizmaster as usual that week. The barman told him that he was out working in LA.

The regular, replied “Fack me, does he do a pub quiz there too?”

ADVERTISE WITH POPBITCH: Hundreds of thousands of well-connected subscribers read this newsletter every week. So if you have something to promote that will stand out among stories about pissy hands and celebrity fingering you could well strike gold… Email us: advertising@popbitch.com
>> Hmmms <<
BDSM, AMSR, Beaver gags
 

Of course there’s already Coronavirus ASMR videos
[The mash-up of the year]

Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy re-written in a major key
[Hear on YouTube]

Investigating the statistics on inappropriate sexual jokes made in the workplace…
[…Kelly Beaver!]

Iceland’s 2019 Eurovision anarcho synth-punks Hatari are the subject of a new documentary
[Watch trailer here]

How to make cocktails from leftovers
[Bartender tips on Salon]

Headline of the week: Meta Coronavirus edition
[Read on Bloomberg]

Thanks to: AL, LC, theabominablehoman, RH, MJ, JB, AH, CF, ZR, ZT, JS, TB, MP, SL, TE, BG, NW, CP, MW, AP, JD, PL, OS, J, LS – plus anyone who sent us a story in 2007…
Old Jokes Home
A priest, a vicar and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says, “I think I might be a type O”

 

 

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