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|_| |_|02.04.15 ISSUE 732
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* Jay-Z’s change of tune
* Politics with added bite
* Charts: Sheeran/Rudimental no 1
>> Hugh’s there? <<
Paranoid about paps
We may have underestimated the effect that press intrusion has had on Hugh Grant’s psyche.
A security guard found Hugh wandering about on Goswell Road last week looking a bit lost, so asked if there was anything he could do to help. Hugh was looking for a place to have his passport photo taken, so the guard directed him to a nearby shop.
Hugh went into the shop, and then insisted it be closed for the duration of his visit so that no-one could get a photo of him. Having his photo taken.
On the other side of the scale, Kelly Brook was mobbed by paps at Charlotte St Hotel yesterday. They were working off a tip called in by… Kelly Brook.
>> Electile dysfunction <<
Politics with a bit of bite
Tonight is the party leaders’ election debate on ITV – but one of the seven party leaders was once involved in a different kind of head-to-head incident.
After an argument with their other half, they attempted to engage in a spot of make-up sex. However, it seems the argument wasn’t quite as resolved as it should have been. During a delicate moment of intimacy the penis involved in the proceedings got chomped down on rather viciously – and very deliberately.
As election campaigning starts in earnest, no better time to remind you that the Malay word for vagina is ‘faraj’. Pronounced ‘farage’.
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
Which of the Spice Girls was causing quite the commotion on Harley Street last week? She and her other half were darting in and out of buildings up and down the street, before they found their intended destination: a fertility clinic.
Cheryl Cole’s latest single failed to chart last week. Jesus, even Dappy will make the top 20 this week with his worst single yet.
>> Media bubbles <<
Plenty left in the bottle
Many brands these days employ data research companies to help track consumers’ buying habits. With the election coming up, some of these companies have been adding questions to help track voting intentions too.
One trend to emerge is the huge correlation between self-proclaimed, Guardian-reading lefties and buyers of one particular type of booze…
Champagne socialists no more!