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Glenys Kinnock’s Prize Chicken

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|_|         |_|02.04.15 ISSUE 732
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* Jay-Z’s change of tune
* Politics with added bite
* Charts: Sheeran/Rudimental no 1

>> Hugh’s there? <<
Paranoid about paps
We may have underestimated the effect that press intrusion has had on Hugh Grant’s psyche.
A security guard found Hugh wandering about on Goswell Road last week looking a bit lost, so asked if there was anything he could do to help. Hugh was looking for a place to have his passport photo taken, so the guard directed him to a nearby shop.
Hugh went into the shop, and then insisted it be closed for the duration of his visit so that no-one could get a photo of him. Having his photo taken.

On the other side of the scale, Kelly Brook was mobbed by paps at Charlotte St Hotel yesterday. They were working off a tip called in by… Kelly Brook.

>> Electile dysfunction <<
Politics with a bit of bite
Tonight is the party leaders’ election debate on ITV – but one of the seven party leaders was once involved in a different kind of head-to-head incident.
After an argument with their other half, they attempted to engage in a spot of make-up sex. However, it seems the argument wasn’t quite as resolved as it should have been. During a delicate moment of intimacy the penis involved in the proceedings got chomped down on rather viciously – and very deliberately.

As election campaigning starts in earnest, no better time to remind you that the Malay word for vagina is ‘faraj’. Pronounced ‘farage’.

>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
Which of the Spice Girls was causing quite the commotion on Harley Street last week? She and her other half were darting in and out of buildings up and down the street, before they found their intended destination: a fertility clinic.

Cheryl Cole’s latest single failed to chart last week. Jesus, even Dappy will make the top 20 this week with his worst single yet.

>> Media bubbles <<
Plenty left in the bottle
Many brands these days employ data research companies to help track consumers’ buying habits. With the election coming up, some of these companies have been adding questions to help track voting intentions too.
One trend to emerge is the huge correlation between self-proclaimed, Guardian-reading lefties and buyers of one particular type of booze…
Prosecco.
Champagne socialists no more!

 


Good omen for Labour? Glenys Kinnock just won the raffle at her grand-daughter’s nursery school. Her prize? A chicken (from the butchers).

>> Scamming the Tide <<
Jay Z’s change of tune
The most surprising revelation to come out of Monday’s Tidal launch was that Jay Z is suddenly very interested in ensuring that artists get paid a fair price for their work. He didn’t seem all that bothered in 2013, when he took an uncleared, uncredited sample from Swiss jazz pianist Bruno Spoerri on Magna Carta Holy Grail.
When we first reported this last year, the settlement Jay Z proposed was described as being “like stealing a grand piano without asking, then sending him one key back in the post”.
After 18 months’ wrangling, a final settlement was reached – two weeks ago. The timing was rather neat as not only did it get sorted in the shadow of all those high profile Robin Thicke/Marvin Gaye headlines, but the whole thing was put to bed just in time for this new crusade to ensure hard-pressed musicians get paid fairly for their music.
What a stroke of luck!
Hear for yourself:
http://bit.ly/1BT80mS

The estimated combined net worth of the eighteen artists who signed the Tidal pledge = $2,043,000,000.

>> Strobe fight <<
How advertising gets made
March 2014 – speed-reading app Spritz is released. It works by strobing a high-speed string of words at you, helping you read at an almost superhuman rate.
March 2015 – A TV ad for Honda which strobes a high-speed string of words at you to help you feel superhuman is the toast of the ad world. (Audi were apparently looking at doing something pretty similar too).
So if anyone was interested to know exactly how long it takes for a big ad agency to rip off someone else’s good idea, now we know.
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>> Dirrty talk <<
We dream of Christeene
When Austin’s cabaret genius Christeene came to London last year, we hosted a Popbitch party at her show. If you missed out, good news. She’s back in London, for one night only.
If you’re searching for something truly original, that’s weird yet heartwarming, she’s yer man.
2014’s award-winning Edinburgh and Soho Theatre dates attracted celeb fans like Holly Johnson, Boy George, Wolfgang Tillmans, Adam Curtis and Phillip Sallon. Join them – brang yourself to The Laundry, London Fields, Sunday 10th May.
Get 2.50GBP off all 15GBP tickets, use promo code STANK:
http://bit.ly/1EATYMQ

Paul Mariner (now at Toronto FC) is a huge Swervedriver fan. He’s seen their US tour a lot and even took the band out to dinner.

>> Unhappy hour <<
Dara: Not big in France
Dara O Briain used to be a regular at The Green Man pub (the one behind Goodge Street) until an incident last year.
He organised the wrap party for his ill-fated Science Club series in their function room. Everything was going well, until staff said they were too busy to provide table service on a Friday night. So Dara went downstairs to take it up with the French bar manager.
The conversation ended shortly after the words “I don’t know who you are; you are not famous in my country,” were heard.
Dara hasn’t been back since.

Kylie’s show after the Dubai World Cup of Racing last Saturday wasn’t her biggest triumph. Only about 200 punters stuck it out until the end.

>> Sign of the grime <<
More of your toilet notices
Sue Swallows writes:
“Your piece on toilet signs took me back to happier times at The Den for Men, a men’s club on Sydney’s Oxford Street in the early 90s. The douche room had a large A4 laminated sign that simply said in large block capitals ‘PLEASE CLEAN UP YOUR OWN SHIT’.
“I’m sure I’ve got it somewhere.”
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Looking for some good audio for Easter? The Comedian’s Comedian Podcast investigates your favourite comics live at Soho Theatre! “Not just another wanker talking about comedy” – Greg Proops
http://bit.ly/1G6Hv3Q
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>> Hmmms <<
Paintings, coffins, lads mags
Our review of Keanu Reeves’ absolutely excellent new dead dog vengeance movie:
http://bit.ly/1NDxtpW
See what the future holds for the Conservatives… a prescient play at the Arts Theatre:
http://www.kingmakerplay.co.uk/
Ian “H” Watkins leaves his music past behind:
http://bbc.in/1ImPWFH
Want to be buried inside Jonathan Ross?
http://bit.ly/1yAjLxa
Will Young outs himself as a Tomcraft fan in his new single. Listen:
http://bit.ly/1DqYSvV
Interesting piece on how luxury retail started in Middle East:
http://bit.ly/1DpjtAP
“Westminster is closing in on itself more and more” When politics met Joey Essex:
http://bit.ly/1NBzQcV
As Loaded closes its doors, we revisit the tale of one ex-editor, who explains how the rot set in long ago:
http://bit.ly/1F5RlNY
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Thanks: SG, PD, Jonny Haw, Sk, MJ, JR, Sue_Swallows, deep_stoat, SK, NQ, whitemaninhammersmithpalais,
MJ, RM, P, LW
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Old Jokes Home:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
The pilot.
Still Bored?
Frankie Knuckles died one year ago this week. This new Defected compilation of his best tracks and remixes does his memory proud:
http://bit.ly/1I54NI7

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