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|_| |_| 15.05.14 ISSUE 690
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To send stories email: hello@popbitch.com
* Eamonn’s turnstile hell
* The Jay-Z swiss jazz swizz
* Rita Ora is new number one
>> Childish humour <<
Nom dem of the century
The BBC have long had form when it comes to nominative determinism (sending a reporter called Jonah Fisher to cover Japanese whaling fleets; employing Sara Blizzard and Neil Sleat as weather people etc…) but we never thought they’d manage to topple the Times.
In 2010, the Times’ coverage on child abuse in the Catholic church was filed by a journalist named Roger Boyes.
It’s just been bested. The BBC’s online reports of the kidnapped Nigerian schoolgirls have come from… Nick Childs.
The re-enactment of the Satanic Black Mass ritual scheduled at Harvard next week has been cancelled. A relief, no doubt, for Harvard President… Drew Faust.
>> Too plump to push? <<
Holmes makes a big entrance
When he walks into the This Morning studios, instead of going through the (possibly too snug) turnstile like everyone else, Eamonn Holmes gets the security guard to open the vehicle gates for him.
Happy Birthday, Richard Blackwood!
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week
Which football executive is telling anyone who will listen that he’s got leads on CCTV footage of a football club owner snorting cocaine at his club?
An anagram of Mila Kunis is Milki Anus.
>> Live and Kidding <<
Scenes behind the scenes
Poor old London Live has taken a bit of a pasting for its cheap programming since it launched. There seems to be more people watching the human statues in Covent Garden than this channel, but perhaps they haven’t done themselves any favours while putting it all together.
Someone offered a mid-ranking back office job recently was told their salary would be in excess of 60k. No wonder they don’t have any cash left with which to make the shows.
The Cornish man who gave Bond villain Jaws his metal teeth has been exposed as an unregistered dental technician. (He also helped Eric Bristow with snoring problems)
>> Yew don’t say?! <<
The creepy life of child stars
Child soprano, and star of Simon Cowell’s America’s Got Talent, Jackie Evancho, is now 14, and has signed a new international contract with Sony Masterworks.
Hopefully she’s been primed to know what she can expect coming of age as a child star. One of Hayley Westenra’s team recounts that – even though Hayley is now 27 – her tours and her personal appearances are often enlivened by a number of middle-aged and elderly men trailing after her, all clutching crumpled and stained photographs of her 10-year-old self.
More Kiefer Sutherland in London news: He was spotted in the queue at BBC radio theatre, waiting to hear the re-recording of a Hancock’s Half Hour episode.
>> No Quirkey business <<
Cheryl Fergison’s new project
After she acted as a character witness for convicted sex offender Max Clifford, you may feel a little less comfortable sending your kids to Pauline Quirke’s Acting Academy. But not to worry. There’s soon to be a new option.
Cheryl Fergison (aka Heather Trott from EastEnders) is in the process of putting together the funds needed to launch her new acting school for children. So if you’re at a loose end in Dartford this weekend, you can go and help fundraise.
http://bit.ly/1muskpV
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Fancy a comedy night out in Soho? Check out Adrienne Truscott’s show. It’s about rape. And she’s semi-naked. Until end May. Popbitch discount, 2.50GBP off ticket price, quote “popbitchaskingforit”:
http://bit.ly/1nRCvEt
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Want a good read over the weekend on your iPad? We promise there’s no Eurovision:
* The sex lives of drunk prairie voles
* Is there any answer to will.i.am’s complete douchery
* Spanish football just got a little bit kidnappy
* Wine tasting with T’Pau * and more!
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Street Feast is back!
When? This weekend ’til September
Where? Dalston Yard!
What? Brilliant food and booze – from lobster to tacos; cocktails to beer:
http://streetfeastlondon.com
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>> Swizz beatz <<
Jay-Z’s jigga-y pokery
By now you will have heard all the various theories as to why Solange attacked Jay-Z (that she was drunk/angry/aware of some infidelity on Jay’s part – depending on which magazines you take). There’s one other theory going around though. That she’s a huge fan of Swiss jazz.
Jay-Z took a track from an 80 year old jazzer called Bruno Spoerri. He rapped over it, called it Versus, stuck it on the Magna Carta album and then flogged it to Samsung.
This was all done without Bruno’s blessing. There seems to be some settlement in the offing, but not a big one, from what we can gather. Some of Bruno’s friends have described it as being like “stealing a grand piano without asking, then sending him one key back in the post”.
So maybe Solange was just doing what she felt the slighted 80 year old Swiss man couldn’t?
FYI: There’s a nice bit in this interview with Zane Lowe where Jay-Z explains how producers Timbaland and Swiss Beatz came up with the tune. Which must have been news to Mr Spoerri…
http://bit.ly/1mrf9Wz
Good fact in the FT this week: In just two years (2011/12) China produced more cement than the US did in the whole 20th century.
>> Wurst practices <<
A Eurovision revision
So the old Sov Bloc isn’t so different to us after all. They phone voted in huge numbers for the sexy bearded lady, while the juries marked her almost last. But can you really blame them for being scared of not towing
the government line?
Last year Azerbaijan’s jury had the temerity not to award points to Russia. In response, Russia’s Foreign Minister called a press conference to threaten Azerbaijan. “The outrageous action at Eurovision regarding the Russian contestant will not go unanswered”. In the light of what’s happening in Ukraine, you can see why they
didn’t dare.
Surely the only answer is the one we’ve always campaigned for? Ban the juries.
FYI: Among the 20 countries where Conchita scored a top 5 hit was Kyrgystan. A country whose rulers are so illiberal there is a new law that makes it illegal for a woman to travel abroad without the approval of her father until she’s 24. They also tried to ban Vagina Monologues as it was “unnatural, perverted sex under the slogan of feminism.”
Bearded drag act Conchita Wurst brought Eurovision to Austria for 2015. And where are the 2015 World Beard Championships taking place? Yep, Austria.
>> Popbits <<
Good… and bad
GOOD?
Musically speaking, it’s been a rather good (if morally dubious) stretch for alleged molesters. That new Michael Jackson single was excellent (even if the rest of the Xscape album was absolute mince), and now R Kelly has got another great single out.
http://bit.ly/1jKRUGs
BAD!
Has a trailer to a new TV show ever looked quite as bad as this? Dr Who’s Karen Gillan, complete with accent, as a vacuous social media obsessive. Everything about this needs a good long soak in an acid bath:
http://bit.ly/1svcr2j
There are more than 1,000 craft breweries in China.
>> Hmms <<
Pigs, pitbulls, porkface
Australian TV show Bogan Hunters is billed as “the search for Australia’s greatest bogan”. “Britain’s Greatest Chav” anyone?
http://www.boganhunters.com.au
Eurovision Molly’s brother is a wrestler – a.k.a. the Babyface Pittbull:
http://bit.ly/1qCX8sG
The Netherlands’ Eurovision loveliness gets a club mashup:
http://bit.ly/1sO4J5i
Tinfoil hats at the ready! When the world is ending, there’s no time for punctuation:
http://bit.ly/1v50zrG
Putin’s army of internet trolls threaten both Ukraine and journalism:
http://onforb.es/1g5MTIJ
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Thanks to: PB, NW, NS, SD, TM, SG, DG, JE, spoonA, SW, ulysses, posh_duckhunter, BM, AS, chelsearentboy, deep_stoat, DB, mandy_mcnab, R, plasticflamingo, bad_horsey
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Old Jokes Home:
Q/ What was Whitney Houston’s favourite kind of co-ordination?
A/ Haaaannnnd eeeyyyeeee
Still Bored:
Ryan Lewis from Macklemore reveals his mother is HIV+ from a blood transfusion 30 years ago, when his sister was born. They’re fundraising to set up clinics in Africa:
http://bit.ly/1loHCsi
