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Hit It And Squit It

 

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“That Oasis album, (What’s The Story) Morning Glory?, was a great record – and they’re also dickheads, which I know personally” – Liz Phair
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* Shuffling to Starmer!
* A gigantic looming pig!
* PLUS: Eurovision gets spicy…
>> Euroballs <<
Theme and variation
 

The Euros start next week, which means it surely won’t be long before we’re treated to some weird novelty pop anthem released in support of the England squad.

What can we expect this year? Some filming in Hoxton this week has seen (in order of increasing horror):

* Bez, brandishing a pair of St George maracas

* Rowetta, with a cardboard cut-out of Keith Allen’s face hung from her hips

* Leigh Francis

This had better be for a great cause…

Leonardo DiCaprio has just moved his mum into one of Gwen Stefani’s old houses.
>> Well handled <<
An upstanding effort
 

The consensus on Keir Starmer’s recent appearance on Piers Morgan’s Life Stories seems to be fairly positive; that the risk paid off and Starmer came across as broadly human. But a much more glowing endorsement of Starmer’s interview technique came from the Garrick Theatre, where he did a live Q&A last week with Matt Forde.

About 3/4 of the way through Starmer’s segment, someone in the audience sounded as if they were getting a real kick out of his stories. Not by laughing. Nor with applause. From the back rows came the suspicious sounds of someone receiving a handjob.

Donald Trump’s new blog has shut down after just 29 days. Even the X Factor musical lasted longer.
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
Which revered A-list author has offered a glowing cover quote for an up-and-coming writer 30 years his junior; one who – by startling coincidence – he also happens to have shagged on the sly?
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>> Family affair <<
It’s not so bad after all
 

Murdoch’s media empire has spent much of the last year tearing into celebs who managed to pull the “Don’t you know who I am?” trick in his native Australia, securing themselves exemptions from the government’s mandatory hotel quarantine to do a luxury private quarantine instead.

Celebs like Dannii Minogue, Julia Roberts, Ed Sheeran, Nicole Kidman, Mark Wahlberg and Zac Efron all got rinsed. And then, all of a sudden, it just stopped.

Perhaps they got tired of flogging the same old story? Or perhaps it was because Lachlan Murdoch chose to do the same thing too?

Paul Chuckle, the surviving Chuckle Brother, has found his new solo career. His agents are emailing around letting it be known he’s available for DJ sets.
>> Trough luck <<
What you pay the pig bucks for
 

Battersea Power Station has finally welcomed its first resident, but construction delays weren’t the only thing that caused complications for the developers.

The money for the redevelopment came from Malaysia. In order to assure Malaysian investors they’d made a solid choice, the development company put together a fancy glossy brochure detailing the building’s past and its importance as a London landmark – including the famous Pink Floyd album cover for Animals, which features the power station prominently.

Several thousand copies were made and sent over to the Malaysian moneymen. They shredded the lot and a note came back to London: “Reprint it, this time without the Pink Floyd cover”.

Clearly someone felt it wasn’t a smart idea for them to dish out promotional materials in the Muslim-majority country that featured a gigantic pig looming over their brand new investment.

According to locals who have spotted him driving around recently, Van Morrison has taken to wearing a leather cap and goggles like Biggles.
>> Playing doctors <<
A semi-suitable send-off
 

Holby City is ending after 20-odd years and we wanted to mark the occasion with a story that combined a Holby actor with a fond farewell – but the best one we know involves James Redmond, who was mainly in Casualty. So – on the very tenuous premise that he did a couple of episodes of that Casualty/Holby crossover series – here goes:

James was one of the big shaggers of early-00s TV. However, one night, after bringing a girl home from a party, he found himself becoming a bit distracted mid-act by a car that was honking its horn impatiently outside his house. James delicately pulled out and went over to the window to investigate the source of the racket.

“What is it?” asked his lady friend.

“Oh,” said Redmond, “it’s your taxi,” returning to the bed and re-inserting himself. “So we’d better get a move on.”

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[Get an Ultimate Father’s Day Beer Bundle at HonestBrew]
>> Track ’em up <<
Disappeared without a trace
 

The Brit Awards was heralded as a great success, gauging the feasibility of bringing back large live events with a testing and tracking system. Obviously we don’t want to say anything that risks derailing The Great Re-Opening, but are we sure the liggers of the music industry were the best guinea pigs for this?

In order to get into the Brits everyone had to take a lateral flow test at a centre, which gave immediate results. Those who passed were then required to complete two postal PCR tests to monitor any spread after the event.

However, a number of music biz types have noticed there’s been no follow-up or compulsion to submit these PCR tests. Anecdotally, we hear from a number of people who tried to do them, but couldn’t find the right postboxes to send them back in. Or did the first one then clean forgot to do the second.

Hopefully enough tests made it back in order to build up some robust data, but for future reference: this is what comes of relying on people who haven’t dealt with their own post in decades and whose short term memories are shot to bits from hoofing gak even longer.

Nominative Determinism of the Week: Grant’s Whisky have just hired a sniffer dog to work in their distillery to inspect barrels. The dog’s boss? Chris Wooff!
>> Audio leaks <<
Hit it and squit it
 

After mentioning Sly Stallone’s overheard toilet tryst in last week’s issue, some stagehands were recently reminded of another Hollywood hot mic story.

While out in Utah at the Sundance Festival, filming for his series Project Greenlight, Ben Affleck took a short break from shooting to crash in his room for a bit. Ben didn’t unclip his mic before he left however, which soon became clear to the sound technician.

The sound of kissing was what first made him realise Affleck’s mic was still on, before he heard a voice cooing “You wanna get busy, baby? You wanna get busy?”

But it was Ben’s reply that had the mild-mannered technician slamming every mute button he could find.

“Are you sure you’re feeling better? I don’t want to get shit on me again…”

Olivia Rodrigo’s Good 4 U is now No.1 – the second UK No.1 to use the ‘4’/’For’ switch. The other one? Oxide & Neutrino’s “Bound 4 Da Reload (Casualty)”.
>> Swear it again <<
Eurovision gets spicy
 

If any further evidence was needed that the Eurovision Song Contest has changed dramatically since the days of Bucks Fizz, here you go.

Måneskin’s winning song “Zitti e Buoni” made it to the UK Top 20 last week, but it’s not their only single that’s been creeping up the charts. Another of their songs, “I Wanna Be Your Slave”, looks set to crack the Top 40 this week too.

Some sample lyrics:
“I wanna touch your body / So fucking electric”
“I’m crying all my tears / That’s fucking pathetic”
“I wanna be your sex toy / I wanna be your teacher”

If you like sport, you’ll love the Upshot – a Popbitch-inspired email newsletter dishing out gossip, controversy and tittle-tattle from the world of British sport. Sign up for free and get a five minute hit of irreverent sports coverage every Friday.
[Sign up free here]
>> Hmmms <<
Covers, cows, KKK
 

Jim Davidson is rebranding as a foodie YouTuber
[Here’s his spaghetti bolognese tutorial]

Gawker’s coming back again, again
[Read on Vanity Fair]

An hour long mix of unusual electronic pop covers
[Listen on SoundCloud]

Otters: on the rocks
[See on Facebook]

Ramblers tell their tales of nearly getting killed by cows
[Killer Cows]

An explainer of the Ellie Kemper KKK-Princess story
[Read on Slate]

Thanks to: gentlemanthug, RJC, LL, LB, HW, JM, A, P, MM, L, RJ, J, mount_st_nobody, CF, TT, AB, LM, changer_of_the_ways
Old Jokes Home
Q/ Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?
A/ To get to the same side.

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